Ted: I don't get it, sir. Why do our doctors have to put up pictures of themselves in their patients' rooms?
Dr. Kelso: Because, Ted, not only does it make our doctors more accountable, but a recent AMA study showed that it helps our patients feel much closer bond with their physician. Plus, who wouldn't want this young buck at their bedside.
Nurse Roberts: That picture's so old that the beaches are still segregated. Look, that's us way in the back. Doesn't that bother you?
Dr. Kelso: Good God, I'm stunning.

Carla: So what, I'm not funny?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I think you're very funny, when you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in your wheelhouse. And it's no different for any of us. Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck. Your husband sells it with a cocky attitude.
Turk: Yeah, you know, I do what I do when I do what I do.
Dr. Cox: The janitor is amusing because, quite frankly, he's insane.
Janitor: I made shoes for my rabbit.
Dr. Cox: And Alice here, well, she can turn a phrase. I assume that because I just called you Alice, that you're now fantasizing about me being the maid in The Brady Bunch.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox is wearing a blue maid's uniform with a big, puffy hair]
Dr. Cox: Am I right?
[reality:]
J.D.: [v.o.] He was.
Dr. Cox: Now sadly, some people just aren't funny, but they have got funny names. For example: Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Colonel Doctor and Snoop Dogg Intern.
Snoop Dogg Resident: Hey, hey.
Dr. Cox: My bad, Snoop Dog Resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
Ted: I am?
Dr. Cox: Yes.
Ted: Aw.
Dr. Cox: And me? Well, I'm funny because I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T....T. I also do, uh, funny rants. To tell you the truth, there is only one guy in this entire dump who is funny no matter what he says.
Dr. Kelso: Holy hell, are my new boxers made of wool? Because my weasel's getting heat stroke!
Dr. Cox: The point is: please, don't tell any more jokes.

J.D.: Bitches, leave!
Nurse Roberts: It's go-time.
Turk: No, no, no, no. No, we're playing "guess the movie quote". That was from Robocop. It's my turn. "I could've got more out".
J.D.: Schindler's List. I took my college girlfriend Stacy Blue to see that on our first date. I cried, she didn't. Always thought that was weird.