Turk: Hey, Elliot, are you gonna finish that muffin? [off her look] Why are you so pissy with us?
J.D.: Why is Sarah dying?
Carla: Why is that guy orange?
J.D.: [v.o.] Around here, sometimes you do wish it was more like TV. And a bigger than life character like House would just show up and conveniently solve everything.
[Dr. Cox walks into the coffee house with the aid of a cane:]
Dr. Cox: Ah, yes, the huddled masses. Carla! I see you're trying one of this establishment disgusting new tomato muffins. Do you know who else just loved tomatoes? Our little orange friends, Mr. Mehleison. As you correctly pointed out, the only thing he loved more than tomatoes are carrots. And if carrots turn you yellow and tomato turn you red, what color would he most likely turn if he would have gorged himself on both those items?
Carla: Orange.
Dr. Cox: Correct.

Dr. Cox: You usually have to go to a van convention to see art of this quality. You do.
Janitor: I've got to confess though, I cheated a little bit. I used an actual head from the morgue as a model. Be careful, it's actually around here somewhere.
[The Janitor knocks a paint can, which lands on Dr. Cox's foot, sending him crashing to the ground]
Dr. Cox: [groans] I think I heard something break.
Janitor: Here we go. [gives business car]
Dr. Cox: Podiatrist?!?
Janitor: I also buy and sell feet, so anyway you wanna go, I got you covered.
Dr. Cox: Great.
[Dr. Cox notices yellow and red paint mixing together]

Dr. Cox: All right, who can tell me anything about Mr. Pierce?
Keith: He uses an oil heater at his house in New Hampshire.
Dr. Cox: That answer was either very sarcastic or very stupid. Either way, I'm whacking you with my clipboard. Brace yourself.
Keith: Wait. He's hypoxic, with a clear chest x-ray, which can be a sign of carbon monoxide poisoning. I learned that watching House.
Lisa: House is a genius.
Dr. Cox: That's it, I'm whacking both of you. Look, I know you all curl up on your futons at night dreaming of cracking a real life medical mystery so that some doctor/supermodel will want to touch your eruption button. But, here's the bad news: this isn't a TV show. There aren't any cameras over here. Real medical mysteries don't happen every week. And doctors damn sure don't look like models. They look like Rex.
Rex: What?
Dr. Cox: Chin up, you ugly bastard. So if you wanna solve a real mystery, go ahead and figure out who's taking my New York Times every Sunday. Or better yet, how about why anybody on the planet actually thinks Dane Cook is funny. As far as Mr. Pierce goes, he has run-of-the-mill pulmonary embolism and I know, I know, it is a boring medical diagnosis. But that's what hospitals are. Boring.