Kim: This sucks. I mean, the hardest decision I've had to make in the last year was what hairstyle to get. And even then, all I did was open up an US Magazine, close my eyes and pick a random celebrity.
J.D.: Kirsten Dunst?
Kim: Owen Wilson.
J.D.: Oh.

Carla: Elliot, I can't do it!
Elliot: Okay, I want you to imagine that your uterus is like a tube of toothpaste, and you're just trying to squeeze out all that minty fresh gel. But instead of minty fresh gel inside, there's a little black baby. [Carla swings for Elliot, who dodges]

Turk: [answers phone] Hey, baby, look, I- Yeah, he, he's right here. [to J.D.] She won't talk to me.
J.D.: Hi. Yes, I know he missed your wedding, too. All right, hold on. [slaps Turk] That was from her, not me.
Turk: Go.
Janitor: Relax, I'll have him out in one second. [holding saw] All right, hold still. Nobody likes a jagged stump.
Turk: No!
Janitor: [on the phone] He's being unreasonable. Okay. [slaps Turk twice] That was from me.