Janitor: OK, Teddy. I got this baby flowing now. I don't know if that's good. You should sue Kelso. You have a serious tort on your hands.
Ted: Tort?
Janitor: Civil case. From the French avoir tort.
Ted: Did you go to law school?
Janitor: No. I was Ruth Bader Ginsburg's janitor for a while.
Ted: Ruth Bader who?

J.D.: [v.o.] Lately, Elliot and her booty call, Keith, loved playing games. Tonight, it was "The Orchard Owner and the Mexican Apple Thief."
Elliot: Confess, Manuel! Confess that you stole these apples.
Keith: I was at the dance with the other pickers.
Elliot: Liar! [Elliot slaps him]
J.D.: [v.o.] Frankly, the whole thing disgusted me.
Elliot: You saw him do it, didn't you, Paco?
J.D.: [v.o.] Mostly because they never let me speak.
J.D.: [exaggerated Mexican accent] He hid them in his pantalones. He loves these apples. He makes apples pie and apples juice with them.
Elliot: Paco, you can't talk because you lost your tongue in that cider press accident, remember? Now, back to the pickers' bunkhouse!
J.D.: I hate the pickers' bunkhouse.
J.D.: [v.o.] And I hate Keith. Which begs the question: Why do I insist on being a part of their foreplay?

Dr. Hendrick: Mrs. Wilk, I'm Dr. Hedrick. Now, it sounds cliched, but you're gonna go through "The Five Stages of Grief," which are: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Now, I assume that you two have already entered into a conversation with Mrs. Wilk about what the process of dying is gonna be like.
Dr. Cox: We were doing it before you came in.
Dr. Hendrick: Oh, I'm sorry. Then please, continue.
Dr. Cox: All right, we will. Newbie, go.
J.D.: [stammering] Oh, okay. Well, well, yeah. Um... Okay, death is like a journey. Uh, a journey in a boat. And, uh, then this giant light shines down on your "boat" and, uh, carries you up to the heavens.
Dr. Hendrick: That was the ending to Cocoon.
J.D.: Take it away, Coxie.