Carla: Turk, we're gonna have kids soon. We're supposed to be a team. That means you occasionally have to listen to me and believe in my opinion. Like, what if we have a daughter and she wants her ears pierced?
Turk: Irrelevant, we're not having a daughter.
Carla: Okay, what if we have a son and he wants to take dance class, even though his friends are all playing football?
Turk: He can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind. [singing] 'Cause his friends don't dance and if they don't dance Then they're no friends of mine S-S-S-S, A-A-A-A, F-F-F-F-F, E-E-E-E-E

J.D.: But Friday's my birthday! I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I've already got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
J.D.: It's a Mexican-themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. [whispers] That means I'm turning 30. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking. Ocho thirty until upside-down question mark. Sombreros at the door. [trills]
Turk: I'll be there.
J.D.: Gracias, amigo. [to Carla] I borrowed one of your dictionaries.

Elliot: Sometimes in bed, I feel like I'm the only one screamin'.
Jake: Elliot, you're quiet as a mouse. All the screaming is in your head.
Elliot: Yeah, but in there, it's crazy. [growls]
Jake: Alright, fine, why don't you tell me your wildest fantasy.
Elliot: Okay, fine. You're a Mexican apple thief, I run the cider house. I catch you hiding behind the stone mill, you chase me into the tasting room... Oh, if there's a crow in there, fine, if not, I can live with it. Anyway, we're all alone, you don't speak a word of English, but you teach me more about hard cider than I ever learned from my fermenting exams. And our passion is so loud that they can hear it all the way in the distillery. [pants] Oh! God, I can be such an apple slut.