Jordan: I am your new friend, so suck it!
J.D.: I gotta go talk to my boys.
Carla: And I have to go talk to Elliot.
Turk: Wait, don't leave me!
Jordan: So I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy. Little tip: The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top, it was about three days before my ovulation... Yeah. Oh, and he was choking me. Oh, it was so good.

Dr. Cox: Oh, would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the chin quiver. Then he goes right to the look-away. He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain! And then finally, he squeezes out one single tear. [fake cries] Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theater!
Turk: I can't watch this.
Nurse Roberts: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.

J.D.: Hey, Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.
J.D.: [v.o.] The perfect setup to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
[J.D. picks Turk up and carries him down to reception]
Turk: Dude! Oh, God! [screams] No! Dude!
J.D.: So, what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Hello!
Turk: Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!
J.D.: It was worth it.