Dr. Kelso: Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.
Dr. Cox: Bob, people have a private life, and people have a professional life, and, usually, those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life, other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drains your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.
Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Dr. Cox: Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Dr. Kelso: Terrence.
Dr. Cox: Terrence doesn't follow him around the shop all day, telling him just exactly what color is in this season, or showing all of the other employees that he is not, in fact, the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere. She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her, and that used to be fine when she just came around for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now, I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I wasn't convinced that Jordan would already be there, waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the river Styx.

Dr. Cox: Oh, Bob Kelso here before noon? They're either giving away free doughnuts at the cafe or there's an Asian prostitute convention in the I.C.U.
Dr. Kelso: Is now the time I'm supposed to be embarrassed because I like fine food and Korean call girls? Write this down, Perry: I'm old and I honestly don't care what people think about anything I do. [farts] That was me, folks.

Dr. Kelso: No, I'm here because the budget's a mess. Ted's not making much headway.
Ted: [sweating] 3-12 x 4-81 equals... Sir, it's not giving me the answer.
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass!
Ted: Oh, god, it's got my tie!