TV Quotes

Dr. Cox: Newbie, you never promise a patient that they're gonna be fine.
J.D.: Mr. Milligan? His blood pressure's a little low. He just has mono.
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God's sakes, Newbie, take a look around, would you please? What's the difference between your Mr. Milligan and every other patient in this I.C.U.? And if the answer to that question is that he's the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: "Brring! Hello? Operator? Give me Stuyvesant 45-45-45", then you'd be right. But since I'm not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I'll just tell you this: God hates doctors. He truly does. You see all these old people in here? Well, any of 'em would give just about anything to be able to sashay off this planet, but most of 'em are gonna stay and they're gonna live forever and ever and ever. And your Mr. Milligan, well, it turns out he's just young enough to die. I mean, think about it: It's the holidays, there's a sweet little kid involved. Can't you just feel it?

Turk: Kelso's got this new stupid outreach program where families are allowed to observe surgeries. Yesterday I had to do a bypass on this guy. You should have seen the family, standing there motionless, silently judging me. And today I got to do a colectomy on that guy. What do you think his family is gonna be like?
[fantasy, J.D. images the African-American family watching the surgery with popcorn and soda:]
Woman: There's a tumor in there! There's a tumor in there!
Man: Oh, don't go behind the kidney, brother!
[reality:]
Turk: You didn't go to the black family yelling at the movie screen stereotype, did you?
J.D.: Like a bear to honey.

Dr. Cox: I have no words.
Dr. Kelso: How about handsome? Or glorious?
Dr. Cox: And this abomination is the reason we can't afford a new computer?
Dr. Kelso: Well, that and the little medical boondoggle I have to go to in Cleveland. And by medical boondoggle, I mean golf weekend. And by Cleveland, I mean Hawaii.
Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea what people around here think of you?
Dr. Kelso: I go to bed some nights wondering. And you know what happens to me, Perry? I fall asleep. And I mean like a log, brother. Anyway, I have to go catch my bus to the airport. And by bus, I mean helicopter.

Dr. Kelso: So, have you killed anyone yet?
Boon: What? No.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you will.
Boon: Super.
Dr. Kelso: It's a rite of passage for doctors. If you're lucky, it'll be a patient who's on his way out anyway. My first kill was a 19-year-old girl. She came in with severe abdominal pain. I thought it was appendicitis. Turned out, she was pregnant and didn't know it. It was ectopic and she was bleeding internally. I should have checked for that. But by the time I discovered my mistake, it was too late. Sometimes I look at this old hospital, I actually see the faces of all the patients I've lost. Booga, booga, booga!
Boon: Aah!
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Priceless. But I do see them sometimes.