Carla: How did you have sex with the woman you're about to break up with?
J.D.: Okay, you know how the, uh, couch in the living room has those high arms?
Turk: Babe, you gotta understand, a guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me? I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.
Carla: That's sweet. While your mother lays there dying.
Turk: Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... 'cause I love my mom.
J.D.: Mm, and I would love her, too.
Carla: New low.

Dr. Kelso: Here at Sacred Heart, I like to think that our patients choose our hospital not only because I leak vicious rumors about competing hospitals to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors they think, "Now that's a professional!"
Elliot: Um, I don't think I look unprofessional.
[from Elliot's P.O.V., with her bangs covering the top of the frame:]
Dr. Kelso: I've let this whole new look thing slide the last few months, but now that your colleagues are beginning to complain, I'm going to give you the same advice I give my son every morning. Lose the makeup, get a haircut, and stop using my razor to shave your fun zone!

J.D.: [v.o.] I know it's a cliche, but sailors say that it is indeed the calm before the storm that lets you know that danger's coming. [Dr. Cox growls] Uh-oh.
Dr. Cox: First off, let me just say thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops, and, let's face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because, you see, I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass out of here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.