J.D.: Ted, you seem different.
Ted: I bought some relaxation tapes. They're working.
J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Ted: God, you cut off someone's nose? Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
J.D.: No, I just gave him IV imipenem.
Ted: Kelso's gonna blame me. Just get rid of the nose.
J.D.: Ted. Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should calm down.
Ted: Maybe you should calm down!

J.D.: [v.o.] And then I did something I've never done before.
J.D.: Look, doctor, if you flipped the page you'd see that I pan cultured him yesterday, but that would probably get in the way of the peverse pleasure you take in pointing out other people's slip-ups. Well, too bad, Buster Brown, because I'm a resident now and I'm not gonna be making the same silly intern mistakes I made last year. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't stand here and yell at me in front of my patient.
Dr. Cox: Buster Brown?
J.D.: Buster brown.
J.D.: [v.o.] Focus all energy on lip not quivering.

Janitor: How's it going?
J.D.: You can't wear that.
Janitor: You mean after Labor Day?
J.D.: You know what I mean.
Janitor: It's a white coat. Anybody can wear a white coat.
J.D.: Jerk.
Janitor: [to the patient] You're what we call "a goner." I'm kidding. There's nothing here.