Jordan: Good job, D.J.
J.D.: You know, it's J.D., okay? And at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners.
Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morning Wood are both extremely grateful. Yeah.
J.D.: Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.

J.D.: There. Just a tiny splinter. It's funny. I can't stop thinking about Aesop's Fables. You know the one where the lion's always hassling the little mouse? Then the mouse pulls a thorn from his paw?
Janitor: Right, and the lion kills him anyway. Yeah.
J.D.: No, he doesn't.
Janitor: Trust me.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk should've known that the worst mistake a doctor can make is setting foot in the hospital's free clinic at night.
[montage:]
Turk: I don't care if you do shave down there. That's not even a medical issue. But it sure is pretty.
Turk: Ma'am, you don't have mono. But you do have halitosis. Mint?
Turk: Ma'am, three baby Tylenol is actually an underdose for a woman your size.
Turk: Yes, congratulations, you are double-jointed.