Janitor: That good/evil thing was in my head because I was watching Unbreakable by Muh. Night Shyamalan.
J.D.: It's "M. Night", you- You don't say "Muh Night". It's- It's M. Night, no Muh.
Janitor: No, it's Muh. Like Cee. Thomas Howell or Fff. Murray Abraham.
J.D.: Don't think so.
Janitor: No Muh?
J.D.: No Muh.
Janitor: Well, that's funny. 'cause we've bowling the other night, and he says, "Man, no one ever says my name right." I said, "Muh, you've got two bigger problems than that. One of them is that seven/ten split you left for yourself. And the other one is, how about trying to write a movie without a big twist ending." Well, he took offence, got pissy, wouldn't talk me for a good hour, but he loosened up on the hay ride.

J.D.: It's a book of all your rants. I always wrote them down.
Dr. Cox: Wow.
J.D.: Check it out. It's leather-bound. I did the calligraphy. The number next to each passage is a rating system from 1 to 5, depending on how much that particular rant hurt me emotionally. One being something I could easily shrug off, and 5 being something that still makes me want to cut myself.
Jordan: Oh, look: "The only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact, the wall on what you're leaning against."
J.D.: That one used to be a five, but now it's a four. I still well up when I think about it, but now I can fall asleep after.

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm so bummed about Mrs. Stonewater, I totally spaced and forgot what's wrong with Benjamin here. Is he the one with the broken ribs? Nope. Maybe he is the guy with sinus polyps? I don't think there is any polyps, but he definitely has some oily skin issues. I should try him onto that dynamite apricot scrub I stole from Elliot. Oh, come on. Focus. I suppose I could go get his chart, but I left it all the way downstairs. Come on, man, you got eight years of medical experience. Use it. Maybe you can smell it out I want to say it smells like non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. What are you doing? You don't know what any diseases smell like. Ah, to hell with it.
J.D.: What do you have again?
Man: Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
J.D.: Of course you do, you reek of it. I'm sorry.
J.D.: [v.o.] See, Benjamin understands that you're human, that you're having kind of an overwhelming day. Give him a smile, as a thank you.
Man: I want a new doctor.
J.D.: Uh, no, I've been working my butt off taking care of you for the last two weeks, so I'm afraid the answer is "no", Benjamin.
Man: My name is Roger.
J.D.: I'll get you a new doctor.