Scrubs - Dr. Kelso Quote #425

Quote from Dr. Kelso in My New Role

Dr. Kelso: Listen, if he wanted to find a place to hide your patient, he could. He's just stressed, and out of his elements, and hell, he's scared. And even if he hasn't realized it, this job is changing him already. Because it comes with a whole host of overwhelming responsibilities, including keeping this hospital afloat.
J.D.: I'd help him if he'd let me, but you know he won't.
Dr. Kelso: When I was Chief, and Dr. Cox came to begin complained about something, I would automatically say no. And if he never complained again, I'd know it wasn't that important. But if he came back and fought for it, over and over, I knew it was something that I have to take a look at. Now, he's me, and he's got this damn voice in his head telling him to say no all the time, and he desperately needs someone on the other side to tell him what he should do, whether he wants to hear it or not. And now, that person is you. Here we are.
J.D.: Will he at least be grateful?
Dr. Kelso: No. He's gonna hate you for it. Go!

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‘My New Role’ Quotes

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: So, the Janitor still doing the picture thing, huh?
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso: Well, every time he would ask me for a real office, I'd say no. So, now if anyone gets a nice, new office, he gets very angry and he uses that picture to drive them insane.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Now what the hell does a janitor need an office for, anyway?
[meanwhile, in the supply closet:]
Janitor: [on the phone] So you wanna discuss the urinal cake issue on Thursday, huh? Let me check my calendar. Alright, Steve. I'll.. huh? What did they do? Oh, hey, good one. A little racist. Yeah, you- You know what? Um, just give my love to Darlene, okay? Really? Syphilis, huh? Well, that's- I'm not a doctor, Steve, but... That seems unusual, even for syphilis.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Well, about time, champ. Beer me.
Dr. Cox: No problem. Just remember our deal. I bring the beer and you don't tell anybody that we are now spending time together.
Dr. Kelso: You're the new Chief, I'm the old Chief who better to guide you through it?
Dr. Cox: I was gonna hit floor and be a doctor like I have my entire career.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you kiss that idea good-bye. I spent so much time behind that desk dealing with red tape, my behind still has the imprint of the chair. You want to see? Since we're friends now, I can show you my butt.
Dr. Cox: Bob, I saw it 5 years ago at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party and I am still recovering. Honest to God, there are times when I close my eyes, and it's just there.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: That still doesn't change the fact that you are going to spend most of your day trapped in that office.
Dr. Cox: Look, there are a few key differences between us. For instance, I know that white leather shoes are never gonna be "classy". I believe that a yard should have trees, not gay little angel fountains. And I'm damn sure am not gonna be stuck in my office all day long.
Dr. Kelso: Enid picked up the damn fountains. I don't even like 'em.
Dr. Cox: Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Fine. I like to pretend that they're friendly stone people.
Dr. Cox: Alright, I'm partial to the one with the tiny wings and the flowers in her hair.
Dr. Kelso: That's Leslie.

Dr. Kelso Quotes

Quote from My First Day

J.D.: [v.o.] Just tell him you can't see Mr. Burski again, he'll understand.
J.D.: Sir, do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, sport.
J.D.: [v.o.] See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso: In fact, why don't you just head on home? You look kinda tired.
J.D.: I am pretty tired.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names. Now, look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them. If they don't, you show them the door. And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy. You get it by rounds tomorrow or I'll be scratching your name off my chart. Are we clear? Answer me!
J.D.: Crystal clear.
Dr. Kelso: Great, sport.

Quote from My Dumb Luck

Dr. Kelso: So, have you killed anyone yet?
Boon: What? No.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you will.
Boon: Super.
Dr. Kelso: It's a rite of passage for doctors. If you're lucky, it'll be a patient who's on his way out anyway. My first kill was a 19-year-old girl. She came in with severe abdominal pain. I thought it was appendicitis. Turned out, she was pregnant and didn't know it. It was ectopic and she was bleeding internally. I should have checked for that. But by the time I discovered my mistake, it was too late. Sometimes I look at this old hospital, I actually see the faces of all the patients I've lost. Booga, booga, booga!
Boon: Aah!
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Priceless. But I do see them sometimes.

Quote from My Rule of Thumb

Dr. Kelso: See, this is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bobbo, now when the dark prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you'll donate your body to science. And I don't mean medical science, I mean NASA. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be, well, by gum, you know they're just gonna say: "Awwww, shucks! "That's what it is!"
Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ! What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. How ya doin'?