J.D.: [v.o.] I was super-psyched to get my scooter, Sasha, back from the shop. But my new scooter insurance hadn't kicked in yet, so I was being extra cautious.
[As J.D. places traffic cones around his scooters, sirens wail in the distance]
J.D.: Perfect. Time for my morning slushie.
Police Officer: Get out of the way! The store's being robbed! Freeze!
[As the robber emerges from the convenience store, he seeks cover. He looks back and forth between a wall and J.D.'s scooter]
J.D.: The wall! Hide behind the wall! No! [gunfire] Sasha!
Robber: All right, all right. OK.
J.D.: There was a wall! What's the matter with you? [gun shots] Who's still shooting? She's down! It's over!

Carla: Hey, Dr. Cox, you want to put in for some lottery tickets?
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Carla, I would. I really would. But you see, I already set fire to a big pile of money just this morning.
Carla: Hey, we have the same chance of winning as anyone else.
Dr. Cox: And the category is... ding! Things that have a better chance of happening than you winning. Ted-ski, throw ten seconds on the clock for me, would you please?
Ted: Go!
Dr. Cox: Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and meaning it, me caring about anything that happens on Wisteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba-Simpson-
Ted: Time.
Dr. Cox: Oh!

Carla: What would you do with a hundred million dollars?
J.D.: Me? Floating Head Doctor.
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: Yeah, I'd spend the money researching how to successfully separate my head from my body. That way I could literally be in two places at once.
[fantasy:]
J.D.'s head: Looking good, Mr. Henderson. Looking real good, Nurse Myers. Uh-oh. He's flatlining! Body, come!
[J.D.'s body gets off an exercise bike and rushes over, crashing into a wall]
J.D.: Damn it! Starting CPR. [bangs head on patient's chest] Ow!
[reality:]
J.D.: There'd probably be some kinks to work out initially.