Scrubs - Elliot Quote #328
J.D.: I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.
Elliot: When I was 15, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.
J.D.: They let you stay?
Elliot: Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for 2 years. I didn't have a lot of rules though because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.
Quote from Jordan
Dr. Cox: I've only actually met the child once, so I think it's pretty important that we figure out a way to spend some alone-time with him.
Jordan: Perry, if I'm gonna be spending a lot of time with someone else's child, it's gonna be with our neighbor's 17-year-old. And don't think he hasn't asked. Oh, Pablo. Hmm.
Quote from Todd
J.D.: Thanks for letting us crash here, man.
Todd: The Todd's not accustomed to receiving gentleman callers.
J.D.: Okay. Oh, cool picture. Which one of those guys is you?
Todd: Oh, I don't swim. So there's only one rule if you're gonna stay at "El Casa de Todd". You got to hammock up.
J.D.: Oh, I don't have one of those, Todd.
Todd: No problem. What are you, about a medium?
Todd: This will work. And it'll look good, too.
Quote from Janitor
Janitor: So, I hear you're homeless. I wanna volunteer, give you a place to stay.
J.D.: I don't think so, buddy.
Janitor: Listen, crash in my garage. I guarantee you there will not be another person in there.
[fantasy: J.D. is awoken in the night by animal sounds. He looks up to see a group of raccoons. He touches his face then licks his finger.]
J.D.: You're gonna slather jam on my face and stick a family of raccoons on me, aren't you?
Janitor: Damn it. I've become predictable.
Quote from My Dirty Secret
Dr. Kelso: Next contestant, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Mr. Murdock was admitted with a COPD exacerbation; he responded well to antibiotics and bronchial dilators but he did develop a rash on his, um... private area.
Dr. Kelso: Sorry, on his what?
Elliot: His peepers.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Elliot: His schwing-schwong.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, it's bad enough you run out on a patient in the middle of a pelvic exam. But you are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like "penis," or "vagina," or "anal."
Elliot: "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Tell that to my wife.
Quote from My Boss' Free Haircut
Carla: Thank you so much for letting me stay here, Elliot.
Elliot: Please. And I still have only one rule. I cannot talk or be talked to while I'm on the toilet. And I also cannot talk or be talked to by someone who's on the toilet.
Carla: You told me yesterday, Elliot. I get it.
Elliot: You say you get it and yet you still managed to knock this morning and ask if I wanted coffee.
Carla: Oh, I just thought that-
Elliot: Uh, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Pretend that never happened or I won't poo again for two months.
Quote from My Friend the Doctor
Mr. Moran: Young lady, would it brighten your day any if I told you I thought you were the best damn doctor in this hospital?
Elliot: Mr. Moran, why couldn't my father be more like you? I mean, if I had a dollar for every time I got depressed and my dad didn't make me feel better- Actually, he did give me a dollar every time I got depressed. By the end of junior high, I already had a hundred and seventy bucks. And then got mugged and lost it all. But, by the end of that night, of course, I was back up to a dollar.