Dr. Cox: Hello, murderers, butchers, slaughterers, slayers. I love this thing.

Ted: Uh, did you hear that I was quitting?
Dr. Cox: I did, Ted. I just haven't really figured out how to pretend I care yet.
Ted: Understandable.
Dr. Kelso: Theodore, I always assumed that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Ted: Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are gonna take some time off and tour the country.
Stephanie: We've written a song for every state.
Dr. Cox: I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to hell. [elevator halts] Damn elevator.
[Ted and Stephanie sing their song for Alabama, then Arkansas]
Dr. Cox: I'm out.
[Dr. Cox climbs through the hatch in the top of the elevator]

Denise: Tonight we're trying a little exercise in team building. No one leaves until you take final interviews from the four teal patients on this floor.
Lucy: What's a final interview?
Denise: It's a chance for old, dying people to bore you with their life story before they kick it.

Dr. Kelso: You have the voice of an angel.
Stephanie: Oh, thank you.
Ted: Oh, thank you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Not you, Ted. If I were ten years younger, and you were ten years younger-
Ted: It's too late, sir. I've already tapped it.
Stephanie: Ted Buckland!
Ted: I'm sorry. He brings it out of me.

Captain Duncook: Hey, hey! It's special K.
Dr. Kelso: Howdy. Melvis, Frank. Listen, that salsa was in-frickin'-sane. These are my plus two.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, do you think you could hook us up, too?
Dr. Kelso: You're gonna have to ask Ted about that because this is Ted's night.
J.D.: Ted?
Ted: I'm going to say yes, but I've never had this kind of power before, so I'm going to milk it, okay?
J.D.: Go ahead. Do your thing.
Ted: [dramatic pause] Let it be so!

Lucy: What is your birth date? Probably just find that in the chart. Uh... How about are you married? Okay. Do you think that when bears hibernate, they have super long dreams?
Paul: What?
Lucy: You spoke. I got you! Now you owe me an answer. You know, tit for tat, which, by the way, is a horrible expression. It sounds pornographic.
Paul: Listen, girlie, I'm not interested In answering a bunch of stupid questions off of a form, so why don't you just leave me the hell alone?
Lucy: Great.

Dr. Kelso: Well, I guess it's time for a little good-bye toast.
Ted: Aw, I'm not really much of a toast guy.
Dr. Kelso: A fond farewell to that skanky blonde heading out the door. I'm gonna see what other chickens are in the coop.

Cole: Hey, guys? My patient just died. I'm feeling a little too upset to keep working.
Drew: Really? What was his name?
Cole: Look, I can't do this right now, Drew! I'm hurtin'!
Lucy: You're really gonna leave us? I don't know if you can see how much my soul dies every time I let you back into my bed, but it would make me hate myself, like, four notches less if I thought you had one decent bone in your body. [Cole chuckles] Please don't laugh because I said "bone."
Cole: Hey, look, baby, I would love to stay, but I just don't want to.

Dr. Cox: Now look around the room real quick and tell me the five lamest people that you see. Feel free to start with me.
Cole: Cool. [Dr. Cox] One, old. [Ted] Two, bald and shiny. [Kelso] Three, super old. [Lt. Underhill], Four, checked out my junk at the urinal. [random barfly] And five, has weird junk. Number four told me.
Turk: We didn't make the list.
J.D.: Nope, we didn't.
Turk: You've just been served.
J.D.: Yeah, and you know what? We're gonna rub it in your face a little bit by doing some Brazilian fight dancing. Five, six, seven, eight. Capoeira, capoeira.
[As they dance, J.D. kicks Turk in the face, knocking him out]
Dr. Cox: That was outstanding.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes, reality takes the form of a kick to the head.
Cole: Sorry, bros. You just moved up to the numbers one and two spots on my lame list.
J.D.: Well, I think Turk should be number one because he appears to be bleeding.

Denise: Why would you page me?
Lucy: Paul just wants to be left alone.
Drew: Just let us go. We'll come back in the morning and take another shot at him.
Denise: Great. I'll go talk to his liver and tell it to stop failing. You don't get it, do you? Patients don't do things on your schedule. This isn't high school, guys. This is real. You know what? Do whatever you want. I don't give a rat's ass. Just make sure you can live with yourself.