Lucy: [v.o.] Even though Dr. Turk warned us about med student syndrome, we couldn't help ourselves.
Lucy: Dr. Turk, I've got scurvy and rickets. How did I get all the pirate diseases?

Turk: So, Cole, uh, unfortunately, the biopsy shows that your mole is malignant. You have melanoma.
Lucy: Skin cancer? Oh, my god, Cole.
Cole: [auto-tuned recording] Oh, snap I got a funky cancer mole
Turk: How'd you know it was gonna be malignant?
Cole: Oh, I didn't. I was prepared for both ways. [auto-tuned song] Check my rhymes 'cause my mole is benign

Denise: What about him? How's he gonna die?
Drew: Red nose. Beer gut. Definitely liver failure.
Denise: No way. Check out his shirt and his callused hands. He probably works around a lot of machinery. I'm thinkin' nail gun to the head.
Drew: You said that about the nurse who just walked by. I think you're overestimating how many people actually own nail guns.
Denise: Whatever. That's how I wanna go.

Dr. Kelso: Thanks again, Turkleton, for giving me the lift. Hitching rides with students was not working out. The constant stops at keg parties and strip clubs, they just weren't into it. But hey, nobody hustles Bob Kelso out of the champagne room. That is my house.
Turk: If I even step into the parking lot of a strip club, Carla, she can pick up the scent of glitter and vanilla body wash like nobody's business. I'm telling you, it's like she's a stripper bloodhound.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, well, I gotta get home early anyway. I wanna read the internet before they take it down.
Turk: I'm not exactly sure that's how that works, sir.

Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob. I am so sorry to keep you waitin'. I've been dancing as fast as I can up there. But I just need 15 more minutes to see another patient, and we will get out of here.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, take your time. It's already been 10 minutes. What's 15 more?
Dr. Cox: Why don't you just go inside and have yourself a seat?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, a nice warm seat for the old-timer, huh? Gee, thanks. Will there be an afghan? I don't want to get a draft while I'm doing the jumble and clipping articles to send to my grandchildren.
Dr. Cox: I appreciate that you're frustrated not being able to drive, losing your independence. It's gotta be pretty hard on you.
Dr. Kelso: What the hell are you talking about? Look, Perry, just because we had a couple of nice conversations and a few backyard beers last summer, it doesn't mean we're Butch and Sundance, all right. So just forget all this soul mate stuff and just go bring the car around.
Dr. Cox: You know what, Bob? Find your own way home.

Lucy: Look, it's not all bad. I'm here. We have cupcakes. We can lie in bed and watch TV all day.
Cole: No, the remote's broken and it's stuck on the History Channel. I don't care about stuff that's already happened.

Lucy: I'm really sorry no one came.
Cole: Yeah, I was fine without anyone, but you had to promise. You had to do the whole Lucy thing of, "Oh, they'll come. They'll listen to me. I think horses should go into space."
Lucy: I never said that. Why would I want fewer horses on earth? That's crazy.

Dr. Kelso: The med student who was supposed to pick me up never showed up. I've been out there forever.
Dr. Cox: What do you want from me?
Dr. Kelso: Help me out with this paperwork thing so I can drive again. It's just some stupid insurance rule.
Dr. Cox: Well, that's a pretty big favor there, Bob. And since, according to you, we're not real friends, which makes perfect sense as your only real friends are a bottle of discount gin and the metal handrail in your shower, I'm gonna go ahead and say no.

Denise: What's going on? You texted me that a patient's coding in here.
Dr. Cox: You texted me, "Come and show me your boobs"?
Drew: I may have switched those texts. Which does raise the question, why did you show up then, Dr.
Cox?

Cole: Dr. Kelso?
Dr. Kelso: Sorry, son. I came in to use the bathroom while you were sleeping.
Cole: But I've been watching TV for the last 45 minutes.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah. I got caught up in this article about how they make tortillas. There's a lot of steps.
Dr. Kelso: Well, what are you in for?
Cole: Oh, I got the cancer.
Dr. Kelso: Woof. I'll tell you what'll make you feel better. Giving an old man your pudding cup.