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My Way or the Highway

‘My Way or the Highway’

Season 1, Episode 20 - Aired April 16, 2002

J.D. is upset when Turk convinces one of his patients to go the surgical route. Dr. Cox is angry after Dr. Kelso fires a nurse who makes great coffee. Meanwhile, Elliot treats a male patient, Sean (guest star Scott Foley) who's as neurotic as she is.

Quote from Doug

Dr. Kelso: Who gets to tell us the symptoms of Ménière's disease? Dr. Murphy?
Doug: Can you use it in a sentence?


Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Sorry to interrupt you there, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay, spawned by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can't just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And besides, with your money, you ought to be able to keep a man tucked away in the closet and bring him out when you want to knock him around, huh? As you were.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Here's the problem with a surgical consult. I think Mr. Hoffner should be treated medically, but any surgeon is going to want to slice and dice him. You see, surgical and medical interns are like two rival gangs. Not real gangs. More like those cheesy gangs you see in Broadway musicals.
[fantasy: J.D., Elliot and the medical doctors, Turk and the surgeons dance towards each other in the corridor]
All: Surgical, medical, surgical, yeah!
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, I knew there was one surgical intern I could count on.
J.D.: [singing] If you have some moles I will inspect them
Turk: [singing] I'll remove tumours from your brain to your rectum
Both: [singing] Between the two of us there is no wall We're a surgeon and a doc Above it all A surgeon and a doc Above it All

Quote from Elliot

Sean: I guess the truth is that I don't go out a lot, you know? I always seem to put my foot in my mouth.
Elliot: I'd let you put your foot in my mouth.
Sean: What?
Elliot: I said I'd let you put your foot in my mouth.
Sean: Oh, that's weird.
Elliot: I know.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Come on, man. Let's get out of here. There's something to do. There's film festivals, theatre, there's museums. Let's get out and get some culture. How about some of that?
Turk: Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk turns everything into a competition. It can get kind of annoying.
Turk: Let's play "Steak".
J.D.: What?
Turk: Steak. The first person to finish their steak is the winner.
J.D.: No, see, I paid $17 for this steak, and I'm not gonna...You want some?
Turk: "Ankles" is a simple game. The first one to get embarrassed and pull up their scrubs loses.
J.D.: The problem is, these stupid games always seem to end the same way.
Turk: Say it!
Turk: Say it!
Turk: Just say it.
J.D.: I'm your biatch.
Turk: Yes, you are. Now, sit back baby, 'cause Iron Chef is on.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Sorry to keep you, Mr. Kelly. I was just... So, what, are you sick or something?
Sean: My heartbeat, it's like, it's irregular. What's the medical word for it?
Carla: Irregular.
Sean: Yeah. That's it. It's irregular.
Elliot: Of course. The heart. The old ticker.
Sean: Wow. You're my doctor? I have something for you in my pants. No. No, no, no. Not- I'm not wearing any pants right now. My pants are over there, and there's a note from my GP in the pocket. If you guys need me, I'll be under here.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, for the love of Our Lady of Guadalupe, that is a fine brew.
Coffee Nurse: It's just coffee.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no. This is liquid crack. This is a mug full of sunshine. My dear, for me, this is like sex.
Coffee Nurse: Oh, is that why you always finish so quickly?
Dr. Cox: And sassy too. If you could cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, ladies. This is that beverage I've been trying to describe to you, and it turns out, this is gonna sound weird, but the secret is, you grind it from beans, not crap.
Nurse Roberts: I'll grind your beans.
Dr. Cox: Oh, Laverne, honestly, when are we gonna get it over with?

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: How are you feeling?
Sean: Well, I'm not tired if that's was you're getting at.
Elliot: Don't get all male on me. Stress tests are supposed to be hard. It helps if you visualize running toward something, like your girlfriend.
Sean: I don't have a girlfriend.
Elliot: How could you possibly be single?
Sean: I don't know. I mean, I'm kind of anal and neurotic.
Elliot: My God. Me too.
Sean: Really?
Elliot: Please! I like to keep my pens in order from least to most ink.
Sean: Oh, that is hot.

Quote from Carla

Dr. Cox: No, tell me he did not fire her.
Carla: You had to do it. You had to show up Kelso and now another nurse is out of a job.
Dr. Cox: Excuse me, I went down there to confront-
Carla: Am I done?
Nurse Roberts: You don't look done.
Carla: You know what your problem is?
Dr. Cox: There are times I put myself-
Carla: Oh, my God. Who answers that question? You see, that is your problem. You think you have the answers to h-h-h-everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else pays the consequences.
Dr. Cox: That's almost exactly what I was going to say.

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