Dr. Cox: Looks like you screwed the pooch there, Tinkerbell.
J.D.: But I didn't overmedicate him.
Dr. Cox: Of course you didn't. I always check your orders after you make them. But if you're wondering whether or not you treated Mr. Simon differently because he's a complete jerk, well, I think you know the answer to that one already, don't you?
J.D.: Depends what you mean by "different".
Dr. Cox: I have to warn you, I just got dumped in front of my ex-wife, not ten minutes ago, okay, Betty? It's always easy to treat the nice ones nice, isn't it? But your drug addicts, your child abusers, your garden-variety jerks... [whistles] Man.
J.D.: You know, it's barely misting out.
Dr. Cox: It's my hair. If it even gets damp, it frizzes out and becomes wildly unmanageable.
J.D.: Mine too.
Dr. Cox: It was a joke, ya girl. Newbie, the only way to judge your growth as a doctor, hell, as a human being, is by making sure you don't repeat the same mistakes over and over.

Elliot: "My Bunny is a Baby Blue", "Bunny, How Things Change", "B-U-N-N-Y Spells Love to Me?" Ten songs about Bunny, not one song about his wife.
Turk: That's because it's physically impossible to write a love song about anyone named Enid.
Elliot: Turk, don't you get it? This tape shows exactly why Kelso is Kelso. I mean, he used to be this beautiful, wonderful, sweet, caring man. He found the love of his life, and she slips through his hands?
Carla: Oh, that is so sad.

J.D.: [v.o.] I honestly think the best part about working here is the patients. When they see how much you care, they're grateful.
Mr. Simon: About time, idiot.
J.D.: Hey, Mr. Simon, good morning. How are you feeling?
Mr. Simon: I was just asking Nurse Fajita if you get extra points for stupid questions.
J.D.: Sir, I was just trying to assess-
Carla: Bambi, don't bother.
J.D.: Carla, please. Sir, if there's anything we can do to make your stay more comfortable-
Mr. Simon: You can kiss my man-sized ass.
J.D.: Okay, will you hold me after? [chuckles] Maybe we shouldn't bother.

Carla: Hey, Bambi, you know Mr. Simon made one of the night nurses cry?
J.D.: Which one?
Carla: Frank.
J.D.: Frank used to be a Navy SEAL.

Kristen: I have kind of a special evening planned for us. I'm not gonna give away everything, but I will say it involves wine, an amazing dinner and a safety word we've agreed upon in advance.
Dr. Cox: God, you are gonna make a great mom!

Turk: I told you what to do if the stitches on your chest start to itch.
Mr. Sloane: Don't scratch.
Turk: Unless they're really itchy. And then you go to town. You go nuts. You do your thing.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid! One of the nurses found your stethoscope in the bathroom.
Elliot: Thank you so much, sir.
Dr. Kelso: This isn't it, sweetheart. I had them leave yours where it was. Let's try to be a little more responsible, shall we?

Mr. Sloane: I went to college with that guy.
Elliot: Oh, lucky you.
Mr. Simon: Used to play his guitar every Saturday night at this coffeehouse off campus.
Turk: Remember the guy's name?
Mr. Simon: Robby something, I think.
Elliot: You know, Dr. Kelso's name is Bob, short for Robert and Robby is a nickname for Robert!
Turk: Like, oh, my God!

J.D.: Simon says, "Hello!"
Mr. Simon: What the hell do you want?
J.D.: Just gonna have Carla give you a stronger pain medication.
Mr. Simon: Beat it, junior.
J.D.: Toodles.
Carla: Well, you're all mine. [snaps glove]

Dr. Cox: Kristen, slow down.
Kristen: You've no idea how many times you'll say that tonight.
Dr. Cox: Boy, you're making it hard.
Kristen: You're going to say that too.
Dr. Cox: Kristen, something has come up, and I won't be able to make it tonight.