Dr. Kelso: Ted, have you noticed how happy all the minions are lately?
Ted: I wish I was dead.
Dr. Kelso: Yep. People love working here.

J.D.: [v.o.] It all makes me glad I'm on my own. I don't think I'd have it...
J.D.: Hello, ladies. Just window shopping, or would you like to try something on?
Nurse: Aren't you the guy that makes out with dogs?
J.D.: Carla. A quick word.
[As Carla runs away, J.D. chases her and crashes into a supply trolley:]
J.D.: Is anybody else a doctor?

Turk: Dude. TCW's back.
J.D.: [v.o.] TCW is a horrible story. She was married for three weeks before her husband got in a car accident and became a total vegetable. He's been on life support for the last two years. And since he was transferred to our hopsital, she's visited every Wednesday. Very, very sad. Oh, and she's a babe. We call her Tasty Coma Wife. Or TCW for short.

Turk: Baby, you've always known about my sleep toots. Hell, you used to imitate the sound, remember?
Nurse Roberts: I make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts.
Turk: Laverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and, just in case, if you were wondering, you're not on it, OK? So just...

Paul: What are you eating?
Elliot: Turkey jerky. Protein, baby. Go for it.
Paul: No, thanks.
Elliot: You don't like jerky?
Paul: I've never tried jerky.
Turk: Never tried jerky?
Elliot: Well, jerky rocks.
Paul: I won't like it.
Elliot: You'll love it. Have one bite.
Paul: Elliot, I've put a lot of thought into this and I'll have to pass.
Elliot: So, eight stitches, and now you don't trust me?
Paul: Elliot.
Elliot: And you wanted above-the-covers sex!

J.D.: [v.o.] Luckily, I'm a competent enough doctor, I'm not gonna let myself get distracted thinking about Jamie.
Man: Can you really hear my heart if it isn't in your ears?
J.D.: Did you go to med school?
Man: No, I mean-
J.D.: No, you didn't. Thank you. [puts one ear bud in]

Jordan: I can't believe I haven't named him yet. I've been calling him Monkey Face all day. I think they would tease him at school.

Dr. Cox: Seriously, I had this one patient...
Jordan: He's got a boodgie the size of a grape in his nose. Would you run back to the hospital and get me one of those suction thingies?
Dr. Cox: If I'm not back in 20 minutes, I don't want you to worry because it simply means that I drove by a prostitute on the way home.
Jordan: Oh, make sure it's a girl.

J.D.: Nice day, huh?
Janitor: You always got something to say, don't you? Old Nosy Nelly always gotta throw his two cents in.
J.D.: OK, I'm sorry about the nice-day thing. How can I make this right?
Janitor: What's it, biscuit and gravy day?
J.D.: Yeah.
Janitor: Just give me one of them biscuits.
J.D.: [throws it right in the Janitor's face] I thought you were ready.

Jamie: So, Tasty Coma Wife, huh?
J.D.: Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I've heard some idiots call you that.
Jamie: I kinda like it.
J.D.: I thought it up.
Jamie: Cheers.