Elliot: Dr. Cox. I just wanted to let you know that Turk did the right thing by taking my patients off of my service.
Dr. Cox: No. What that yellow-bellied scalpel jock should have done was go down to surgery and schedule himself for an early-morning add-a-pair-domy. That way, if it took, he'd have the stones to at least come and talk to you next time he had a problem.
Elliot: I just can't seem to stop letting my life out there affect my life in here, you know?
Dr. Cox: Well, hell, Barbie, look at me. It's not like I've always been the centered, well-adjusted Guy Smiley you see walking down the halls of this dump. I mean, stuff like that takes time, but eventually you learn to keep your personal problems separate from this place.
Elliot: So, what do I do until then?
Dr. Cox: Get your damn life in order. Oh, and, Barbie, let's say word was to get out that Uncle Cox was doling out the feel-goods, I'll make you pay. You have no idea. Huge.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's a funny thing when we're forced to see ourselves in a new light.
Carla: Mr. Woodbury! Hold on a sec.
J.D.: [v.o.] Hopefully, you see yourself in time to make a change.
Carla: Unfortunately, we're not comfortable discharging you just yet. I'm really, really sorry.
J.D.: [v.o.] And hopefully you'll be respected for it.
Mr. Woodbury: You evil little witch.
Dr. Kelso: Let me see that chart, Nurse. [flips open, closes chart] Well, I see no reason we should keep Mr. Woodbury any longer. Enjoy your son's wedding. Cherish the moments.
Mr. Woodbury: Thank you so much, Dr?
Dr. Kelso: Kelso. Bob Kelso.
Mr. Woodbury: Bye, Bob!
Dr. Kelso: Glad I could help.

Mrs. Marrick: Actually, we wanted to know how you felt about it, Carla.
Carla: Me?
J.D.: [v.o.] Don't get me wrong, Carla loves her patients. But she also loves how much they love her.
Carla: To be honest, I'm not a big fan. I mean, I've always wonder what the kid would say if it were up to him.
[fantasy:]
Baby: You want to do what, now? I just got this thing.
[reality:]
Carla: There are no medical advantages to circumcision.

J.D.: What a day. I am as stressed out and vulnerable as I was last night.
Elliot: Me too.
J.D.: What to do? What to do? What to do?
Elliot: I don't feel like doing anything.
J.D.: Come on, we could rent a movie. Got a fresh pack of Uno cards. You know what we could do? We could have sex again. I'm throwing it out there.
Elliot: Bite me.
J.D.: Oh, come on, I'm sorry. I was kidding. It's a joke.
Elliot: No, I mean it. Like you did last night. Come bite me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Stay calm.

J.D.: I don't think we have to apologize for enjoying what we're doing.
J.D.: [v.o.] That's when she said the words every man is dying to hear.
Elliot: I guess we could just be sex buddies. [fanfare]
J.D.: If you want.

Janitor: What's all that about?
J.D.: Oh, I can't tell you. It's, you know, doctor-patient confidentiality.
Janitor: Oh, right. Tell me.
J.D.: No, no, I'm not kidding. I can't.
Janitor: Can't. Or won't.
J.D.: Can't.
Janitor: Won't!

Turk: Elliot, you said you were gonna get that CAT scan on Mrs. Creeden's abdomen.
Elliot: I have been crazy busy. I was stuck on the phone all morning with bill collectors, who, by the way, are obsessed with money. I spent an hour in my truck looking for clean bras because all I've got is this date-night push-up one, and to be honest I don't like working with these things under my chin all day. Plus, I am walking someplace right now, and for the life of me I can't remember where.
Turk: Don't worry, I'll take care of it for you.
Elliot: Thanks. Bathroom!

Dr. Cox: Hey, chum. What do you say? Listen, I just wanted to tell you not to worry about getting that silly CAT scan on Mrs. Creeden because it turns out I'm just gonna rip her stitches open, jam my head in and have a look for myself.
Turk: Look, Dr. Cox-
Dr. Cox: Dammit, when I tell you to do something, you sure as hell better get it done!
J.D.: [v.o.] It sucks being yelled at, especially when it's someone else's fault.

J.D.: [v.o.] OK, just give her a casual nod. You don't want Turk to know what's going on.
Turk: Dude, you're totally hitting that.
J.D.: How do you do that?
Turk: It's a gift. Remember last time you two got together?
J.D.: Relax. We're just having fun.
Turk: What, are you guys just sex buddies? [fanfare]
J.D.: Fa-shizzle.
Turk: Okay, I don't wanna get all Dr. Phil on you, but women have a hard time separating sex from emotions.
So you may think you're just tapping that right now, but pretty soon she's gonna be like, "J.D., I need you."

Turk: Oh, by the way, dude right there is totally hitting that dude, he's totally hitting him.
J.D.: You are good.
Turk: I know.
J.D.: I'm so glad Esteban found someone.