J.D.: [v.o.] Things could be worse. I could be with Elliot doing my day in the free clinic.
Elliot: I understand that you took a cab down here, but that doesn't mean I can give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy.

J.D.: What do you hate most about the holidays?
Carla: Wrapping presents. You?
J.D.: My family.
Nurse Roberts: I don't know how anyone can get in the spirit around here.
Turk: [wearing antlers and red nose] Come on, guys. All the spirit you need is right here. Can I get a amen?
J.D.: [v.o.] One thing about Turk, he's always been good at rallying people.
[fantasy: Turk is preaching in front of a choir in the cafeteria:]
Turk: Congregation, I said, can I get a amen?
All: Amen!
Turk: 'Tis the season of givin', y'all. And what better place to give than right here at Sacred Heart? Lovest thou me, then feed my sheep! Right here, at Sacred Heart, we are not only gonna feed his sheep but we gonna clothe them. And we gonna bathe them. And we gonna cut 'em open. Then we gonna stitch 'em right back together. Because that is what Christmas is all about. That's right!

J.D.: Ooh, candy!
[After J.D. pulls a candy cane off the Christmas tree, the whole tree falls down]
J.D.: I was jut- I was trying to-
Janitor: Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do, but you're not gonna break my Christmas spirit. You can't. Not ever. I'm the Holly Jolly Janitor. Hi, little girl. What do you want for Christmas? [she hits him in the nuts]

Dr. Cox: Newbie, I always punch the tabs out of my tapes so there's no way they can be recorded over. So puh-lease tell me you didn't use the tape that was already in the camera.
J.D.: Banana hammock.
Dr. Cox: So, in other words, there is no permanent historical record of the birth of my friend's baby?
J.D.: Well, I think that the baby itself would serve as proof that it was, you know born.
Dr. Cox: You don't understand what you've done. My ex-wife is gonna hold this over my head for so long that I doubt I'll ever see the sun again. And I liked the sun, Newbie. It made me hopeful.
J.D.: Well, I was there. I could certainly jot down some of my feelings and impressions.
J.D.: [v.o.] If he was really mad at me, he would have stayed and yelled at me.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox appears to be talking to J.D. in the home movie that's playing:]
Dr. Cox: [on TV] Don't kid yourself, Newbie. I couldn't be any madder at you. [J.D. turns the TV off] No, do not do that again. That's a bad Newbie. Oh bad. Oh bad. Oh bad.

Jordan: You made some interesting choices with the camera, Orson. You didn't want to see any faces?
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: I switched the tapes. Just go with it.
Randy: Here he comes, I see the head!
Jordan: What a gorgeous head of hair.
Jackie: That's funny. He was completely bald when he was in here a few minutes ago.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, well...
J.D.: We shaved the baby.
Jordan: You shaved the baby?
J.D.: Shaved it.
Dr. Cox: It's standard procedure. What with the recent outbreak of pre-natal lice.
J.D.: Yep. Definitely. Shave and haircut. Two bits.

Turk: I don't get it. Why are we on the roof?
Carla: I wanted to show you that no matter how ugly things can get down there, there's still a lot of beauty up here.
Turk: Is that gum or pigeon crap on my sneaker?
Carla: Come on, let's go look around. There's nobody here, no one can see us. We could do whatever we wanted.
Turk: Like what?
Carla: Okay, how are you not getting this?
Turk: Oh, you mean have relations. You wanna have relations right here on the roof. Baby, there's a lot of pebbles on the ground. It will make my ass look like a chocolate chocolate chip.

Jordan: Do you think I'm a moron?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, don't answer that question. It's a trick, that's a trick.
Jordan: Oh, pre-natal lice? You do realize that would be lice in the womb?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I've seen them, they're real and gross.

J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe Dr. Cox had pushed me too far. I don't know. Whatever it was, I told on him.
J.D.: Plus, he didn't even go see baby Charlie yet.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then something amazing happened. They connected. And all the hatred they had for each other was suddenly focused on me.
Jordan: Excuse me, Sally Sensitive, I don't remember asking you anything. Your mom's aware that she'll eventually have to stop breast-feeding?
Dr. Cox: Ooh, good Jordan, good. Now work the body, work the body. Under the ribs. Under the ribs.
Jordan: I'm not gonna see that baby either. Are you gonna tattle on me? Are you?
Dr. Cox: [fake cries]
Jordan: I'm frightened.
Elliot: J.D., do you have a second?
J.D.: God, yes.
Jordan: That's right. Run away, Sally.

J.D.: [v.o.] Babies are amazing. Especially the way they bring people together.
Dr. Cox: So, baby Charlie is the bald one?
Jordan: Yeah. He wouldn't be smiling so much if he knew how ugly his parents were.
Dr. Cox: [laughs] You're a sexy bitch.
Jordan: Thanks.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, stay. Oh, what a good boy you are. Dear God, Judy, how much product do you use?
J.D.: None. It's like this when I wake up.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. Quick tip, there, sports star. When you're defensive about your feminine side, it just makes you seem more girly.