Turk: I don't know what's gotten into you, baby, but I am turned on.
Carla: OK, baby. This might feel a little bit weird, but I promise you, you will love it.
[later:]
Turk: Honey? How could you think I wouldn't notice this on my dangle?
Carla: You were enjoying it until it started making that grinding noise.
Turk: I know we're having a hard time getting pregnant, but, sweetness, it could be you.
Carla: I already got tested.
Turk: Oh.
[later, Turk is locked in the bathroom in the fetal position:]
Carla: Turk.
Turk: I'm a man! And men can make babies.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, when I told you to treat Mrs. Cooke, I meant it. If I wanted to waste my breath, I'd have given my wife mouth-to-mouth when she went into cardiac arrest. She's OK. My mistress used to be a lifeguard. Now get your ass back in there.

J.D.: [v.o.] The next morning, I braced myself for Elliot's odd brand of revenge. And there it was.
J.D.: Did you individually drain all my eggs?
Elliot: Morning! [holds bag of eggs]
J.D.: Fine. I'll just have an apple.
Elliot: Oh. Looking for this? [holds bag of apple bits]
J.D.: How did you do that?

J.D.: [over watch] I'm having a rough morning, Brown Bear. How you doing with your sterility?
Turk: Uh, I can't really talk about that right now. I'm in an elevator.
J.D.: Not reading you, Brown Bear. I repeat. Are you still sterile?
Nurse Roberts: This is so juicy, I feel dizzy.

Carla: Elliot, you're asking for trouble. Everybody's already talking.
Elliot: He's the best intern. I mean, he shouldn't be punished because he has to sleep with me.
Jordan: Has to?
Elliot: Gets to. He gets to sleep with me.

Turk: You know I'm not comfortable getting busy with myself.
J.D.: Well, you're in luck. This happens to be my specialty. Here are some tips. If you can't get over that you're doing it to yourself, sit on your arm until it falls asleep then pull it out and use that. I call it "The Stranger."
Turk: If I ever have kids, you are never allowed to baby-sit.

J.D.: I can't believe you're ready to have kids. We spend all day taking care of old people. Washing them. Cleaning them. Why would you want to bring that home?
Turk: J.D., we're talking about kids, not going home to a house full of old folks.
[fantasy: J.D.'s apartment is filled with old folks when he returns home:]
J.D.: All right, fellas. Two quick announcements. First of all, whoever's been filling my TiVo with JAG reruns, let's cut it out. And secondly, Harvey, no matter how drunk you get, I like to sleep alone.
Harvey: I like to snuggle.
J.D.: Well, that's your problem, buddy. I got my own thing.

J.D.: Excuse me. Are any of the reading materials in there available for us out here?

Janitor: [over watch] Hey, J.D. This is that black surgeon that you always hang out with. Come on outside to the ramp, dawg.

J.D.: [v.o.] My friends were all happy, and even though I felt like the fifth wheel, I could take solace in something.
J.D.: [over watch] Hey, Turk. I forgot. I can't raid the freezer with you. Be careful in there. They lock it up at three.
Janitor: [grunts] I'm gonna kill him.
J.D.: [v.o.] I had finally won one.