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My Own American Girl

‘My Own American Girl’

Season 3, Episode 1 -  Aired October 2, 2003

J.D. gets Turk and Carla to help him diagnose one of his patients. Meanwhile, Elliot is fed up of everyone walking over her.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, that's when we ran into a brick wall.
Dr. Moyer: I'm head of the radiology department. You call me in from home to do an abdominal CAT-scan that could wait until Monday morning? Well, guess what? It's not happening.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Moyer-
Dr. Moyer: These are my machines!
Carla: Sir.
Dr. Moyer: My machines!
Turk: Whose machines?
Dr. Moyer: My machines.
J.D.: How is that helpful?
Dr. Moyer: They're my, my, my machines! My machines! My machines! My machines!

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Quote from Elliot

Dr. Moyer: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
Elliot: Dr. Moyer, you're gonna give Mrs. Farr the abdominal CAT-scan, and I'll tell you why: You remember that colon patient of mine that you screwed up on? Well, I'm gonna tell him exactly whose fault that was, and then I'm gonna spend every waking second helping him figure out how to physically and financially bitch-slap you, even if the end result is that we both get our asses fired. Your move, chuckles.
Dr. Moyer: Bring her down.
Carla: Elliot!
Turk: Hell, yeah!
J.D.: Wow.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Oh, so you're going to sock me again. Good God, Perry, at a certain point you're just beating up an old man.
Dr. Cox: Relax. I'm just fixing your nose. Now, I'm real sorry I cold-cocked you, there, Bob. I shouldn't have done that. Even if it did actually feel so damn good I changed my pants afterwards. But, still, I'm starting to think it would be smart if you and I were to bury the hatchet. What do you say, there, Bob? Come, on, handsome!
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, ace: You will always be a royal pain in my ass, and I will always be waiting for the day when I get to jam that knife into your side once and for all, and you know it as well as I do! [Dr. Cox fixes Kelso's nose] Much better, thanks!
Dr. Cox: You're welcome.
Dr. Kelso: People don't change, Perry.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Before I go into that building and start my day, I always like to take a quiet moment to prepare myself.
J.D.: [singing] Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body- Not you, sir - I know not everybody has got a body like you...
Turk: Dude, what's the rule about white boys dancing in public?
J.D.: Not allowed unless you're gay.
[A male nurse dances]
Both: Morning, Steven.
J.D.: Fine, then I'll just put on something that rocks!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: See, things never really change around here. Surgical and Medical still play each other in basketball.
Man: I'm gonna toast you so bad, your momma ain't even gonna recognize you!
J.D.: Yeah? Well I heard that your sister started drinking again!
J.D.: [v.o.] I'm still not great at smack-talk.
J.D.: So, it's not supposed to be true?
Turk: No. Oh, let it pour, big guy.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] But really, the only difference is that by the third year, nothing catches you by surprise.
Carla: Mrs. Farr is still having acute abdominal pain.
Mrs. Farr: So, what's wrong with me, doctor?
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, good Lord, I have no idea. Okay, don't panic, just do what all doctors do in this situation and fake a page.
J.D.: Uh-oh. Got a Code 3 down the hall.
Mrs. Farr: What's that?
J.D.: Uh, Code 3? Not as bad as a Code 4, but a hell of a lot worse than a Code 2. [trips]
Carla: That's a Code 2.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Ah, I cannot figure out what's wrong with Mrs. Farr. I gotta go ask Cox.
Turk: Why won't you ask me?
J.D.: You're a surgeon. You just cut people up, you don't actually know anything.
Turk: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox. Big Cheese.
Dr. Cox: Yes?
J.D.: [v.o.] If you're wondering why Dr. Kelso's nose is squeaking about a week ago, he was torturing Elliot and Dr.
Cox, well. Needless to say, there were consequences.
Dr. Kelso: [squeaking] Perry, great news: I managed to swing it so that you get to go over to the state pen today and do the annual inmates' physicals!
Dr. Cox: Well, hell's bells, Bobbo, if you want to fire me, just do it!
Dr. Kelso: I would, but even though this room was quite crowded when you sucker-punched me, apparently nobody saw it happen.
Ted: [chuckles] Uh, so what happened, sir?

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: So, Dr. Cox, can you, uh, look at her chart?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, did you not see what just happened? Kelso is so far up my ass that I can taste Brylcreem in the back of my throat. And you, you're- you're third-year now. Wake up, this whole Dr. Cox riding in to The Rescue part of the show is over. Oh, you're on your own.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] Elliot's unlucky streak continued with the head of the radiology department.
Elliot: Dr. Moyer. Uh, you told me my patient had colitis, and it turns out it was just traveler's diarrhea?
Dr. Moyer: So? Sounds like good news.
Elliot: Yeah. He took it as bad news, maybe 'cause of the unnecessary colonoscope I shoved three feet up his pooper?
Dr. Moyer: What do you want me to do?
Elliot: Uh, apologize to my patient and tell him it was your mistake, no big deal?
Dr. Moyer: Think I'm gonna pass on that one. See, I got you pegged as one of those spineless types that's not gonna cause me any trouble no matter what I do. So, thanks for stopping by and don't forget your car door.
Elliot: I just didn't want it to get stolen, okay?
Dr. Moyer: [gesticulates wildly] That was me not caring.

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