Dr. Kelso: Well, gee, sport, I would say you should stop whining, find out what's wrong with him, and treat it. Or you can be damn sure I'm gonna give you something to whine about.
J.D.: Fine. After all, I'm the whizz kid.
Janitor: [sprays J.D.'s crotch] You are now. [laughs]

Todd: Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident, he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder any more. Yes, yes, no, yes, no and yes, if I've been drinking.
Nurse Roberts: Come here, Wonder Bread.
Todd: What's up, doll?
Nurse Roberts: If you ever get this close again, I will end you.
Todd: I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty.

Janitor: Yeah, that's a leaky o-ring. I can fix her, but I don't got the parts in stock. We need an o-ring down there. [laughs] That's entertainment.

Dr. Kelso: You did nothing?
J.D.: Nothing at all.
Dr. Kelso: Great job, sport.
J.D.: [v.o.] Huh?
Dr. Kelso: Whenever a patient gets bounced from ward to ward, there's always a chance a high fever could be sustained or even caused by the constant stream of antibiotics. It's called drug fever. And it's a good catch by Dr. Dorian. Next patient. Mush, people, mush! Yah! Yah! Yah!

[fantasy: Dr. Cox smashes Colin Hay's guitar as he sings "Overkill":]
Dr. Cox: That'll do it.
Colin Hay: I have other songs.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.

Dr. Cox: Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farrah? Because when I paged you earlier, someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People magazine. Anyway, long story short. The whole incident gave me a bang-up idea. Because you see I've got tomorrow off. So I'm gonna be on my couch sipping on some Scotch and paging you every 20 seconds. And if you don't answer every damn last one of them, I'll shove this pager so far down your throat, it's gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off. Big fun, right? You're gonna need this. Oh, oh, oh, let it come, let it come. [throws pager]
J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, it's good to be home. Sort of.

J.D.: I hate it that everything's so messed up between all of us, you know.
Turk: Well, just remember what I said to you this morning in bed.
J.D.: I had my shoes on. It would've been impossible to lock in.

Carla: Why are you smiling?
Turk: Because I set your ass up. Baby, I should've told you how Cox felt about you, and I was wrong to talk behind your back, which is a violation of the trust our relationship is based on. And that is why I'm sorry.
Todd: My boy's got mad apologizing skills.
Turk: Todd, not now!
Carla: You can't just point out the obvious, you have to go deeper. And Todd, if you say, "That's what she said," I will brain you. Now, come on, baby, connect with me. Why am I really upset?
Turk: I'm gonna stick with the violation of trust. Final answer. [Turk goes into kiss Carla]
Carla: Yeah, right.

Dr. Cox: You look pretty today.
Carla: Don't even start.
Dr. Cox: You look horrible?
Carla: I look fantastic. And that's starting. And I'm pretty I said not to start. Laverne?
Nurse Roberts: That's what she said.
Carla: [speaks Spanish], okay?
Dr. Cox: That's "don't start" in Spanish.
Nurse Roberts: Bueno.

J.D.: Okay, fine, I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife.
Nurse Roberts: I think I'll sit back down.
J.D.: It was an accident.
Dr. Cox: Look, first of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her. And then out of her and then into her again. And second, you're smart enough to know I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to know where you did it. I don't even want to know how it was.
J.D.: A little scary. Sorry, jitters.
J.D.: [v.o.] Here come the fireworks.
Dr. Cox: Look, I know you didn't have any idea who she was, and I understand why you were too nervous to tell me. What do you say we leave it at that? I forgive you. You are forgiven. OK?