Turk: The doctor is in. Bad guy, this is why you don't run from the police. Baby, are you ready to rock?
Nurse: Right. Another cocky resident that wants to start surgery before the attending shows up.
Turk: I'm sorry, I just figured that if we finished here quick enough, we might have enough time to pull the stick out of your ass. What do you say?

Dr. Cox: Oh, man. I don't like his O2 cells. Get me a doughnut, will you?
Elliot: Oh, you mean like a a blood pressure thingy?
Dr. Cox: I mean a glazed thingy. And I like sprinkles on half of it. So if you can't find a half-sprinkle, get me an all-sprinkles and go ahead and pick half of 'em off. [whistles]
J.D.: You know, that was kind of demeaning.
Dr. Cox: Dammit, you're right. Would you do me a favor and apologise to her while you're getting me some coffee? And please be quick otherwise I'm just going to have the manager send over a different waitress. Go. You're done now. Yeah.

Dr. Kelso: Miss Sullivan, I just want to thank you and the rest of the board for this award. The fact your first choice passed away last week, in no way makes it any less special.
Jordan: Are you sure? 'cause it seems like it does.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob, as far as the intro thing goes, I've actually gone ahead and given it a great deal of thought, but I'm afraid I'm gonna very politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass.
Dr. Kelso: I think we both understand how this works. It's like when my dog Baxter goes winkle on the carpet. He always heads right straight away from the tool shed, but we both know that's where he's gonna spend the night.

J.D.: What attendings are stuck here on call tonight?
Turk: Everyone's at that Kelso thing.
Elliot: I think Dr. Cox is on.
Carla: He went home, but said that Carol could cover for him.
Turk: Is Carol the one with the really firm butt?
J.D.: Well, I'm Carol, so yes.
Elliot: It's disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.

Dr. Cox: Oh, sweet mother of mercy, Carla, you were right, you were so right. What am I supposed to do now?
Carla: Duck.
Turk: Who at that damn clinic paged me 'cause a patient thinks their tongue is too spongy? Who? Who?

Dr. Cox: Under no circumstances tell any of them that I'm here.
Carla: Yeah, look, why don't you just go home and tell Jordan how you feel?
Dr. Cox: [scoffs] Tell a woman how I feel?
Carla: Well, I guess you could... Duck.
Elliot: This is ridiculous. He admitted him to cardiology because he has heartburn. I hate ER docs.
Dr. Cox: You don't understand my relationship.
Carla: Duck. [nobody comes]
Dr. Cox: Now that's just not funny.

J.D.: OK, Mr. Freed, I think I can do this.
Mr. Freed: Hmm?
J.D.: I'm gonna need a C-arm in here.
Janitor: Want me to knock him out?
J.D.: What are you doing in here?
Janitor: I owe you. I'm helping you out.
J.D.: This isn't like being a janitor. It's not something everybody can do.
Janitor: Oh, so you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
J.D.: Yes!
Janitor: OK, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tiled floor?
J.D.: I don't know. The rough side of a sponge?
Janitor: Damn it.

Janitor: [deep voice] You rang? [normally] Lurch.
J.D.: My stethoscope is stuck up there and I need you to get it down for me.
Janitor: You put it up there.
J.D.: That's really neither here nor there.
Janitor: Fine. Alright, we're even.
J.D.: Oh, thank God.
Janitor: You know, you could've just asked me to stop hassling you for, like, a year.
J.D.: OK, I want that, then.
Janitor: It's too late. [walks off with J.D.'s stethoscope]
J.D.: But I use those for listening.

Dr. Cox: Good evening, everybody. Bob Kelso is...
J.D.: [v.o.] In moments of truth, we always reveal who we really are.
Dr. Cox: Bob Kelso is an awful, awful man. [laughter spreads around room] I'm not joking. He's the devil. What's wrong with you people? This is-
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff, Perry, great stuff. Is this guy a hoot or what? I'll get your ass for this.