Dr. Cox: Give him a full work-up.
Carla: OK, Mr. Corman, you know the drill.
Mr. Corman: Here are my vitals. Here is the Mountain Dew. I'm just kidding. That's my urine sample. And you can start timing now. So, how you been doing? Still seeing that surgeon?
Carla: No talking.

Dr. Kelso: I don't care what the old bat says, I doubt she can back out of her own driveway. Tell her you're calling the DMV and having her license revoked immediately.
Turk: Why don't you tell her yourself, sir?
Dr. Kelso: Because she's my friend. Don't be insensitive, son. It's ugly on you.

Turk: Dude, she was going, like, 35 miles an hour. All you saw was, like, knuckles and a bun. Poor Bessie.
J.D.: What kind of grown man still names his car?
Turk: You do.
J.D.: Yeah, I've had Malik since I was 17. That's totally different. Don't worry about Kelso. His wife can drive him.
Turk: His wife hates him.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso makes a rolling jump out of a moving car]
Turk: Morning, skipper. [Kelso is silent] I'm so dead.

Woman: I'm still a virgin.
Turk: You're pregnant.
Woman: Again?
[cut:]
Obese Man: Since the bypass, doc, nothing but salads.
[cut:]
Man: Look, it was an accident. My flashlight didn't have any batteries.
Turk: So you decided to put your penis in there?

Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, great news. Dr. Zeltzer and I have gone over your test results and your prognosis is excellent.
Mr. Corman: That's great.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is.
Mr. Corman: But you know what? You guys can pat yourself on the back all you want, but I'm not an idiot. I know that you were screwing with me, that I come in here sometimes thinking that I'm sick when I'm not. But if you remember anything, you remember this. If it turns out I didn't have cancer, I could have been just some guy coming in here looking for help that you treated like crap.
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Mr. Corman: The whole thing is giving me an ulcer.
Carla: You wanna be tested for that too, don't you?
Mr. Corman: Do you mind?

Dr. Cox: Why didn't you stop me?
Carla: What?
Dr. Cox: Why did you let me harass that guy?
Carla: So you think the fact that you got annoyed and became incredibly insensitive with another human being is my fault?
Dr. Cox: Yeah! Look it, whenever I'm about to do some stupid-ass stuff, you're the one who calls me on it and then you're damn sure the one that makes me stop. That's the way it works. That's the way it's worked for years. Just exactly what happened to that?
Carla: I guess I just don't get as good a read on you as I used to. Maybe all that therapy has changed you.
Dr. Cox: Oh, please, I'm crazier than ever. Look it, during this entire conversation I've actually been imagining myself sitting on a throne between us, watching all of this.
Carla: Maybe we're just not as close as we used to be.
Dr. Cox: Maybe.
Carla: So you're just, like, right here watching us?
Dr. Cox: No. Other side. Yeah. I'm invisible to the naked eye.
Carla: Of course.

Elliot: [to J.D.] You're such an ass.
Nurse Roberts: Could you speak up? Mr. Roberts doesn't hear so well.
Elliot: Laverne, if you're looking for your beeswax, none of it is over here.
Nurse Roberts: Now she all mad.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's weird to run into someone from the hospital out in the real world.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Kelso.
Turk: How ya doing, sir?
Dr. Kelso: I'm just Jim Dandy. Now, unless your pants are made out of Turtle Wax, I suggest you boys get your asses off of Bessie.
J.D.: Oh, so you named your car, huh?

J.D.: [v.o.] Ultimately, life is a lot simpler at home. Unless you live with a co-worker you're crazy about and she recently decided she can't handle sleeping with you and she just wants to be friends.

Elliot: See? This is good. I don't feel weird.
J.D.: I don't feel weird.
Nurse Roberts: I feel weird.