J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes the hospital seems like a big, hungry monster that feeds on our personal lives.

J.D.: Morning, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [chuckles] Oh, Denise. I know it's morning. If it was last night I'd still be with my extremely pregnant ex-wife trying to get her to calm down with a chair and a whip because, believe it or not, I somehow managed to forget to bring home the curly fries. Do you see where I'm going here? Yes, no, maybe so? Talk to her.
Nurse Roberts: The man's got troubles.

J.D.: Hey, Lisa, how you doing?
Lisa: J.D., I can't give you free gum.
J.D.: I was thinking, you're probably one of those girls that's so pretty that no one has the courage to ask you out.
Lisa: No, I get asked out all the time.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, momentary setback. Regroup. Regroup!
J.D.: Hey, go out with me. It's the right thing to do.
Lisa: Sure. Why not?
Children's choir: [sings] Hallelujah, hallelujah...
J.D.: Very funny, you dumb choir punks. Santa's a drunk.

J.D.: Where were we?
Lisa: So what did you have in mind?
J.D.: I could think of a couple of things.
[fantasy: J.D., Lisa in the bathtub with Rowdy:]
Lisa: How does he get so dirty?
J.D.: Who the hell cares?

Dr. Cox: Honestly, you- You have never looked so beautiful.
Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it?
Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?
Jordan: Yes. Relax.
J.D.: I've seen bigger. No, not you. Although, kudos.
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm.

Carla: Turk, come help me wrap presents.
Turk: Baby, do you realize how long it's been since we've had an afternoon off, just the two of us?
Carla: Yeah.
Turk: I mean, I'm thinking I should give you a sensual massage, rub your feet a little, and maybe, if you're interested, sex you up and whatnot.

Carla: Come here.
Turk: I'll get the TV.
Carla: No, you know what? Leave it on. I know how much you like The Jeffersons.
Turk: Baby, you're a gift from God. Here come Daddy! I'm gonna rock your world! ... [snores]
Carla: Turk, the show's starting.

J.D.: I can't stop obsessing about this date I have tonight. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Cox: Well, I think you should go ahead and thank your lucky stars you finally found a gal who's into same-sex relationships.
J.D.: You know, Perry-
Dr. Cox: Perry?
J.D.: Yeah, I'm trying it out. You know, I find with the ladies, if you're clear with your intentions right off the bat, they just fall into place. AQ?
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: AQ is kind of a hip, new expression. It means "any questions?"
Dr. Cox: Look, please don't think I'm impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely looking chick is managing the gift shop nowadays.
Lisa: J.D., you ready to go?
J.D.: Oh, yeah, the word you're looking for is "wow," and the words I'm looking for are "in your face." Yeah, I'm ready. Let's get going. PO. Peace out.

Dr. Cox: [answers phone] Jordan, if you're feeling like crap, then I'll come straight home Of course, with the food. No, I don't necessarily know if there is anything bigger than a Super Size, but I'll ask the guy.
Jordan: Get two Super Sizes.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God.

Turk: Did I fall asleep?
Carla: Yes.
Turk: Was that before or after I rocked your world?
Carla: He's a good man. He's a good man. He's a good man.
Turk: Baby, you know I get nervous when you start chanting.
Carla: Turk, what happened to all my stuff? The massage, the bath, the feet? I let you watch The Jeffersons.