Dr. Kelso: Brilliant! Necrotizing fasciitis. That's a one-in-a-million diagnosis, son. One-in-a-million.
J.D.: Ah, it's nothing, sir. Anyone could have made that call.
Dr. Kelso: And yet they didn't. The student becomes the teacher, eh, Perry? [laughs] Warms my heart.
J.D.: Thank you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: I don't care about you, son! I'm trying to do something here. Rats! He broke my rhythm.

Dr. Cox: Now, I'm guessing this is just about the greatest moment of your life, huh, Newbie?
[flashback to J.D. at a bar sitting next to a man:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Holy crap, it's David Copperfield.
[present:]
J.D.: Well, definitely top two.
[flashback:]
J.D.: What's that I see in your ear? Paz-ow!
David Copperfield: Cool. A coin.
J.D.: Do you want it?
David Copperfield: Here, you take it.
J.D.: Oh... [chuckles]
David Copperfield: Oh, magic!
[present:]
J.D.: No, top three, top three.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God.

Dr. Cox: Oh, Eunice, you never would have made that catch if you weren't such an all-purpose nerd, sitting home alone on a Saturday night, watching some medical special on TV.
J.D.: First of all, in your face, because it was Friday night. Secondly, I would have made the catch regardless. You see, if you use your head and do some homework, medicine is just basically science.
Dr. Cox: Oh, please explain medicine to me, because without you I don't know what to do.
Dr. Kelso: Admitting it is the first step, Perry. Am I right, Ace?
J.D.: You are correct, sir!
Dr. Cox: That's enough on that one. I think we've clearly exhausted it.

Carla: Why does he keep going back to her?
Turk: I don't know. Why do people keep marrying Larry King? The man looks like a frog.

Carla: Elliot, listen to me. You have to sit down and make a budget.
Elliot: You know, I called my mom today to see if she could convince my dad to send some cash, right? She says I should try and think of this as an opportunity, and then she hung up on me.
J.D.: Just like that?
Elliot: Well, I may have told her she spends more money dyeing her roots than I do on groceries.

Dr. Cox: I say we let Super Doc here take 'em.
J.D.: Are you too busy eating sour grapes?
Dr. Cox: Oh, look who peeked in his shorts and found a pair. What, are you feeling like you finally took on the old man in a game of one-on-one and kicked his ass? Well, here's the newsflash there, Skeech, it was a fluke.
J.D.: Believe what you want to believe. I'll do it again.
Dr. Cox: All right, fair enough. Here's your chance. Two identical patients. I say we divide 'em up, just like in The Parent Trap. One goes with the sexy, freewheeling bachelor dad, hello. The other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually-repressed mom, just you all over. Oh, and I checked tonight's TV listings. There is no special on that disease, so you're gonna wanna stop at the Blockbuster.

Elliot: Mr. Bragin, it is so great to see you back in the hospital.
Mr. Bragin: Woo-hoo! I got a tube in my penis.
Elliot: Come on, you're just a little dehydrated from the chemo. Plus, there are no signs whatsoever of your pancreatic cancer. You should be ecstatic. I mean, nine months ago I told you you had eight months to live.
Remember?
Mr. Bragin: I vaguely recall that.
Elliot: Yeah, of course you do. That is totally my fault. Who knew we could cure cancer?

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox. You'll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient that you did for yours.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, I care so little I almost passed out.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
J.D.: He died?
Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so. Otherwise that autopsy's going to be a bitch.

J.D.: How the hell did my patient die? I mean, you started corticosteroids, I started corticosteroids. You did plasmapheresis, I did plasmapheresis. You yelled at Mark the orderly, I yelled at Mark the orderly. Hey, Mark.
Frank: [mocking] "Hey, Mark."
J.D.: See, he's pissed.
Dr. Cox: That's because his name is Frank. Now, as far as your patient's concerned, Newbie, I'm afraid you forgot a very important thing.
J.D.: [v.o.] For whatever reason I was finally fed up.
J.D.: You know what, I've been working my ass off here for the last year and a half, and the last thing I need is another one of your condescending, never-ending speeches where you spoon-feed me some lesson and call me a girl's name.
Dr. Cox: Well, then have it your way there, Carol, 'cause I'm out. Good luck, everyone.
J.D.: Go ahead. Walk away. Because I'm not gonna obsess about this.

Elliot: A lawsuit? So you're suing me because you're not dying?
Mr. Bragin: Dr. Reid, I didn't want to face my own mortality. You forced me to. Now I can't earn any money because my job seems trivial. I can't be in a relationship, because what's the point? Oh, and here's the topper. Remember my horrible, judgmental father I hadn't spoken to in 15 years? Well, good news, doc, we've patched things up. And guess who's coming over Saturday to watch the game and tell me what a jerk I am?
Elliot: Well, you asked me to estimate how much time you had left!
Mr. Bragin: And you told me I'd be dead by now.
Elliot: Well, you're not! So, sue me!
Mr. Bragin: I am.
Elliot: It was a figure of speech. And your dad was right about you.
Mr. Bragin: Why don't you tell him yourself.
Mr. Bragin, Sr.: Hey, Assface.
Mr. Bragin: Hiya, Pops.