Turk: I'm just saying, who behaves that way at a mini-mart?
J.D.: I'm sorry, Turk, but when I put that single beer down in the counter and the 18-year-old check-out kid is like, "Oh, big night!" It just pissed me off! You know, I mean Who was he to judge us? He needs to know we're not two lame-o's with nothing going on.
Turk: So that's why you bought that box of condoms and a flare gun.
J.D.: Exactly. Now whenever he thinks of us, he'll picture us putting a beer, sexing up the ladies and shooting off flares. You know, like men do.
Turk: That does sound pretty awesome.
J.D.: I knew you'd come around!

George: Oh God, that tastes good! You guys gonna join me, right?
Turk: Nah, they kinda frown on doctors drinking beer here.
J.D.: And plus, I'm allergic to barley.
Turk: Wait, I've seen you drink beer before.
J.D.: And every time I did, I had to have an antihistamine first.
Turk: I don't remember that.
J.D.: Fine, Turk, I'll tell George the truth. Even though I'm a man, I don't like beer. I prefer Appletinis, they make me feel fancy. There. You hurt, and embarrassed me. Are you happy?
Turk: A little bit.

Turk & J.D.: [sings] We're going to Steak Night. We're gonna eat it right.
J.D.: Ted, 3-part harmony!
Turk, J.D. & Ted: [sings] Steak is such a treat, it is the world's best meat.
Ted: Big finish!
J.D.: [sings] Steak Night!
Turk: [sings] Night.
Ted: [sings] Night.
Ted: Hot dang, just like a choir!

George: So, what happened to dinner?
J.D.: [v.o.] We don't want George to feel like he was a burden, so we had to come up with a great excuse.
Turk: A giant oak tree fell on the restaurant.
George: What restaurant?
J.D.: Steak Cookers.
Turk: Maestros.
J.D.: Maestros.
George: Oh man, I used to eat there all the time.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk's upset because he thinks when George gets outta here he'll drive to Maestros and see that we lied. Now he's relieved because he remembered that George is about to die and he's never leaving here. And now he feels guilty for thinking that thought and he wants to punish himself physically but he can't because we're with a patient. [J.D. kicks Turk]
Turk: Dude, what the hell?
J.D.: You wanted me to do that. You know it.
Turk: Okay, fine. Thank you.

Jordan: Can we go? Cougars only drink free till 9.
Dr. Maddox: What about MILF's?
Jordan: Oh, I forgot I had kids.

J.D.: [v.o.] Step two: Just keep babbling until he finally opens up.
J.D.: I don't know how I wanna go, but I do know what I want down with my remains.
[fantasy: Carla and Turk are sitting on the couch. Turk is holding an urn in his hands:]
Carla: Are you really comfortable watching TV like this?
Turk: Is it Rowdy?
Carla: No.
Turk: Is it J.D.?
[A stuffed J.D. is on all fours on the floor next to Rowdy]
Carla: Yes!
Turk: You'll get used to it. [opens urn] Pretzel?
Carla: You gotta stop bringing him into our bedroom.
[reality:]
J.D.: I'll teach you how to do my hair.
Turk: I already know how to do your hair.
J.D.: It's not an Afro, Turk, you can't just pick it.

George: I'll tell you one thing. I sure didn't think I'd go like this.
J.D.: [v.o.] Now that George was talking, he went to a question everyone goes to first.
George: So, tell me, do you think there's anything after this life?
J.D.: Definitely.
Turk: He already has our first day in heaven planned out.
J.D.: We'll start with a dip in the milkshake pool, then we'll work our way over to the cloud where beautiful women spend quality time with one another. You know, in a special way.
George: Like, a lesbian cloud?
J.D.: Not like a lesbian cloud, George. An actual cloud, full of lesbians. [George laughs]
Turk: I just hope I die before my wife so I can have some fun up there.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, when Carla dies, heaven is going to suck!

George: That's all very nice. But we can't know for sure.
Turk: I know for sure. I'm a man of faith, George. I've seen people come back from the brink of death. And you'd be surprised how many of them say the same thing. They saw a white light and were overcome with the feeling of peace. That's what comforts me.

Ted: Hey, Mr. Valentine! I re-did your will on a computer and to make it less depressing, I used a fun font.
J.D.: Really, Ted? A fun font?
George: Ooh, I like seeing my name in squigglies.
Ted: Oh, yeah. That's the font! Recognize!
J.D.: What's happening?
Turk: It's this new thing Ed came up with.
Elliot: When you disrespect someone, and they, in turn, burn your ass you must recognize!
J.D.: Fine, Ted, I recognize.
Ted: Hell, yeah!
All: Hell, yeah.

George: Hard to believe. My whole life goes down to these four pages. I wonder if anybody would remember me?
Turk: Come on, George.
J.D.: When my dad died, I thought my brother and I were gonna be the only two to remember him. I was totally wrong. When we were, uh, growing up, there was this one homeless guy in our town. We used to call him Mr. Long-beard Stinky-pants. Uh, because he had this really long beard and, uh, his pants-
Turk: He gets it.
J.D.: They were stinky. Anyway, every time we went out to dinner, my father would make us give him our left-overs. My mom hated that. She used to be like, "He's just gonna use those pork-chops for drugs." My mom drank a lot. The point is, a couple months ago, I-I went home and there's this clean-shaven guy working in the pizzeria. He takes me aside, and says, "Your father was a great man." It was Mr. Long-beard Stinky-pants. Although now he prefers Kevin. Anyway, George, I- I promise you, people are gonna remember you the same way.
George: Thank you very much.