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My Last Day

‘My Last Day’

Season 1, Episode 24 - Aired May 21, 2002

On their last day as interns, J.D., Turk and Elliot aim to show they're not jaded by the experience of their first year by going to bat for a patient.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: So, Mr. Bober has been complaining of abdominal pain and nausea. Looks like cholecystitis.
Dr. Cox: Oh, what the hell, Newbie? This gentleman is suffering from an inflamed gallbladder and you actually have him eating a grilled cheese sandwich. Here's an idea. Why don't we just have him wash the whole thing down with a big ol' mug of vodka? Mr. Bober back there is one of our frequent flyers. He's been with us every six months for the last two years and I've rather grown fond of him. So if you could somehow manage to not kill him, well, then, oh, gee, that would just be ducky.


Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Hey, so how come you haven't mentioned it's my last day as an intern?
Dr. Cox: Haven't I? Come here.
J.D.: Oh! OK. OK.
Dr. Cox: Despite the fact that when you wake up tomorrow morning you will be a resident, you'll still be the same excitable little girl that you are now. The only difference will be that some new intern will probably mistake you for somebody who actually knows something.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Jordan. To what do we owe the horror?
Jordan: Oh, come on, Perry. No soft spot for the one woman who slept with you sober? Now, if you could sign this insurance physical, I'll go back to trying to forget that horrible, horrible night.
Dr. Cox: For me to sign this, I would actually have to give you a physical. And when I say "I," I, of course, mean absolutely anybody but me. Barbie! Give my ex-wife here a physical, and don't be afraid of that third eye on her chest. Just remember, it's just as scared of you as you are of it.
Elliot: Let's get physical?
Jordan: Ugh.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: We were talking about our relationship and how great everything is going. And all I said was, "It's weird to think I'll never date again."
Turk: Oh, that's close, honey, but not quite what you said. See, what you said was, "It's weird to think I'll never get to date again." You see that? "Get to date again", like she's missing out. How messed up is that?
Carla: I did not say "get". And you're being ridiculous. What do you think, J.D.?
J.D.: [v.o.] Careful, Tiger. Careful.
J.D.: I wish people would call me Tiger.
Carla: What?

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: I agree with Laverne.
Nurse Roberts: What? [runs off]
[fantasy: Turk and Carla lasso Nurse Roberts and rope her into talking about their problem:]
Nurse Roberts: Damn kids and their stupid problems. I just wanna get home to a warm bath, catch a little bit of that Fear Factor.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, Bob! When I heard you were up on the roof I just assumed it was because your evil mission here on planet Earth had finally come to an end, so tell me this. Where exactly is the mother ship?

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: Thank you so much for taking Bober from me.
Elliot: But, J.D., I-
J.D.: I owe you.
Jordan: [singing] I'm a little doormat, I sit and stay Let people use me every single day
Elliot: Excuse me?
Jordan: Oh, it's a song I'm working on. I made it up.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So, you want me to approve surgery on a 76-year-old man with no insurance and no life-threatening condition? Young man, I'm curious. What did you think the end result of this conversation would be?
J.D.: Well, pretty much, this. Except I'm really invested, so I thought I might try crying a little.
Dr. Kelso: Sport, if crying worked on me, my wife would have her own car by now.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Bob? I think you should reconsider.
Dr. Kelso: What's that, Perry? I mean, because that didn't sound like something a teammate would say. Maybe what you meant to do was pat me on the ass and say, "Go get 'em, Bob."
Dr. Cox: Right, but what if we were to look at this from a purely fiscal perspective?
J.D.: [v.o.] Did he just say "fiscal"?
Dr. Cox: I mean, after all, Mr. Bober is here every four to six months, and if we were to consider his surgery as a one-time expenditure, then you would be making the right financial call.
Dr. Kelso: See now? That's the kind of thinking I can get behind! How'd that make you feel?
Dr. Cox: Dirty all over.
Dr. Kelso: You get used to it.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Hey! Congratulations on becoming a resident. Glad I could help.
J.D.: Help? You were awful to me. You, you, you... Awful.
Janitor: Anyway, go get 'em, tiger. The world is your oyster, my friend.

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