Dr. Kelso: I wanted to give you your paycheck in person, so you can hand it back to me to pay your bill.
Turk: Why you don't just hold on to that sir.
Dr. Kelso: That's not how it works. Now, I'm going to hand it to you, I want you to look at it, sigh, and give it back to me.
Turk: [sighs]
Dr. Kelso: Splendid. Nurse Espinosa, Mi hospital es tu hospital.
Carla: No problemo, chiefo.

Janitor: Nice new digs. Looks like you could use a new coat of paint, though. If you're interested...
[The Janitor hands Elliot a business card which reads "PAINTER CALL JANITOR"]
Elliot: Thank you. Now, I just gotta find someone to replace this rug.
Janitor: Air traffic controller, gemologist, captain of industry, middle reliever, ruggist. I invented a machine that prints business cards.
Elliot: That's already been invented.
Janitor: Oh, yeah, I know. But mine also fires paint pellets. How about it? Observe. [shoots, misses J.D.] Curved off to the left. That was working great yesterday at the zoo.

J.D.: Hey, Sarah, how are you? I'm Dr. Dorian. Look you were in and out of consciousness when they brought you in. Do you have any family you want us to contact?
Sarah: No, it's just me and my dog Charlie. You can try him but he rarely answers his cell.
J.D.: What's Charlie's cellphone number? 1-800-CATS-R-LAME? Okay. Other that the obvious loss of sense of humor, I understand you've been having palpitation and shortness of breath. We'll run some tests and see what's happening.

J.D.: Hey, I got you something. It's a star. You can get them of this website. I named it after you.
Kim: That so sweet.
J.D.: Unfortunately, "Kim" was taken, so I tried "Kim" with 2 m's , "Kim" with 3 m's, "Kim-1", "Kim-2".
Kim: What's it called?
J.D.: FreckleFart90.
Kim: Oh, for freckle on my ass, my lactose intolerance and the fact that I graduated high school in 1990.
J.D.: Yes.
J.D.: [v.o.] That was so lucky.

Turk: Ok, it's Carla, I can't get her out of here and she listens to you, so I was think...
Dr. Cox: Say no more.
[later, Dr. Cox talks to Carla in her hospital bed:]
Dr. Cox: You know yelling at those intern made me realize how monotonous it is facing the same disease day after day. And that no matter what I do to entertain myself, I'm still bored. Whether it's reading the paper or shaving the side burns off of a resident because his license plate says "PARTY DOC".
Turk: By my calculation that rant just cost me $27.

Elliot: Oh, Dr. Kelso, what radiologist is on call today? Oh, right, the silent treatment. Well, unfortunately for you, the Reid family has been giving each other the silent treatment for generations. This one time my dad wasn't talking to my mom because she stopped boffing the gardener right at the height of weed season. I know, she wasn't thinking. Anywho, she finally broke him down with the little ditty. Nobody can hear it without chiming in. [clears throat, sings] Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly, lolly, lolly, lollipop. Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly, lolly, lolly..."
Ted's band: Lolly pop.
Elliot: He was about to crack, Ted! What the hell?
Ted's band: Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly, lolly, lolly, lollipop.

Carla: Mr. Mehleison might be a vegetarian. He's always eating carrots.
Dr. Cox: But carotene, like jaundice, turns you yellow. Just like certain blood disorders turn you blue and tomatoes can turn you red. Sadly, there isn't anything on God's green earth that turns you orange.
Turk: Maybe he got freaky with some cheetos.
Dr. Cox: Swing and a miss, Webster.
Keith: Maybe he used some fake-tan cream. Used it once, turn me orange all over.
Dr. Cox: There were no foreign substances found on his skin. But kudos, Keith, on finally outing yourself.

Turk: Elliot, I can't get Carla leave this place.
Elliot: Yeah, I don't really give a rats doo-doo maker.
Turk: Why does she hate me?
Dr. Cox: Don't say "hate", Gandhi. You kids throw that word around so much it's lost all of its meaning. Now, I have to find a word stronger than hate to describe how I feel about others. Hmm... [elongated hum] I mega-loathe you all. Good day.

J.D.: [v.o.] Kim's leaving the pack and I still got no plan to make her stay, it's go time. Just say the first thing that pops into your head.
Kim: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: I'm rich. You don't have to take that job.
Kim: Uh, you're not rich.
J.D.: Oh, yes, I am Kim. And this right here, is my dope-ass Mercedes. [sits uncomfortably on the car] I didn't want to tell you 'cause I wanted you to like me for me.
Kim: You're an idiot, J.D.
J.D.: Am I Kim? [the car drives off] Dr. Tabiti, Dr. Tabiti, I'm on the car. Larry! Larry, I'm on the car!

J.D.: [v.o.] The best part of a great mystery is its resolution. Whether you finally realize what your friend was looking for.
Turk: So tell me about your new job.
Elliot: It's amazing.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or just figuring out why a guy was orange.
Orange Man: Am I ever gonna look normal again?
Dr. Cox: Oh, sure. Sure. As long as you cut back on your vegetables. Maybe, you know, buy some clothes from this decade. Oh, I almost forgot, your wife was crying the other night. Keep an eye out for post-partum depression. It's pretty serious.
Orange Man: She hasn't seemed sad at all, but I'll keep an eye out.
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, no matter how many mysteries you solve, it's always easy to miss one.
[flashbacks:]
Carla: Turk, I can't handle going home right now.
Carla: Don't look at me, I wasn't crying.
Carla: I just need a break from the baby.
[present:]
Carla: [crying]
J.D.: [v.o.] Like who's really in trouble.