
‘My Five Stages’
Season 5, Episode 13 - Aired March 7, 2006
With their favorite patient, Mrs. Wilk, close to death, Dr. Cox and J.D. are annoyed by the hospital grief counselor (guest star Dave Foley) as they go through the five stages of grief. Meanwhile, Elliot realizes her relationship with Keith has become more than a booty call, and the Janitor helps Ted when he finally has some leverage over Dr. Kelso.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: Is that Ted and a bunch of damn bikers?
Janitor: Why do you hate bikes so much, sir?
[flashback to Mr. Kelso, Sr. with all his belongings on a bike talking to a young Bob Kelso:]
Mr. Kelso, Sr.: Son, Daddy's got to move on. And I just want you to know that since the car is in your mother's name, I wouldn't be able to leave the family forever if it weren't for your bike.
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: It's complicated. Get off the road! [engine revving]
Ted: Not today, Bobby! Not today!
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] I guess I needed a distraction because last week, we all thought Mrs. Wilk was going home. But she got an infection, and despite our best efforts, she was now gonna die. To make her happy, we decided to take her to the beach.
Mrs. Wilk: I'm gonna miss the feel of sand between my toes.
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, she was sick, so we couldn't go far.
J.D.: Want me to bury you?
Dr. Cox: Ah, shut up and move the sunbrella, will you? I'm freckling.
Quote from J.D.
Dr. Cox: Would you love a virgin daiquiri? It's a normal daiquiri. I'll just let him give it to you.
Mrs. Wilk: [thanks] Thanks.
J.D.: Hilarious.
Mrs. Wilk: Cheers. You know, I've never really been afraid of death. I used it as a motivator. When you know there's an end, it forces you to live. It forced me in the eighth grade to ask Peter Bucherelli to take me to the sock hop. It made me dare to travel the world. It made me who I am. Still, now that I'm actually staring it in the eye, I- Why am I so scared?
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes, life sucks. For everyone.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] Mrs. Wilk decided to call the hospital grief counselor. He had a certain frankness about death.
Dr. Hendrick: Now, which one of you is gonna kick it? Don't tell me. I want to guess. I'm thinking it's either you or you. Now, you 'cause you're hooked up to a bunch of machines. Or you. Well, you just have that look of someone who's gonna die young. I'm kidding.
J.D.: Oh.
Dr. Hendrick: You'll live forever. Or not. What do I know? I mean, I'm not psychic.
J.D.: [v.o.] We did not like him.
Mrs. Wilk: I think he's funny.
Dr. Cox: She's delirious.
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: Keith, keep moving. No talking. Hey, where's my wave, you little piece of meat?
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Ted: Sir, can I have Sunday afternoon off?
Dr. Kelso: Well, that depends. Is Baxter's dog run gonna hose itself down?
Ted: No.
Dr. Kelso: Actually, it is. I rigged the hose to a timer. But I need you to clean out my gutters.
Ted: But, sir, I'm doing a bike ride for charity!
Dr. Kelso: Ted, the only thing I hate more than bikes are procedural cop shows. We get it, the pedophile did it. Be at my house at 2:30.
Quote from Elliot
Carla: So, basically, when you're in the mood, you just call Keith and he comes over and gives you some of that 20-something nasty?
Elliot: Watch me. [clear throat; dials] Got the machine. [on the phone] Keith, we're going to your place tonight because my room smells like apple vinegar. So put some clean sheets on the futon and turn the pictures of your parents face down, except for that one of your dad in the Navy. It helps me.
Quote from Carla
Turk: How the hell does he put up with that crap?
Carla: Turk, would you get my scarf out of the car please?
Turk: I am making a point here, honey. No man should-
Carla: Turk, less point-making, more scarf-getting.
Quote from J.D.
Turk: What's up, buddy? You need a ride?
J.D.: Keep moving, C-Bear.
J.D.: [v.o.] I was hunting for bigger game.
Dr. Cox: Hey, I thought you went home already.
J.D.: Oh, I tried to, Perry, but I'm having some scooter trouble.
Dr. Cox: Come on, I'll give you a ride. Let's go.
Quote from Janitor
Janitor: Tell you something I learned today. Wet sand plus dehumidifier equals cave-in.