Dr. Cox: Walk with me. I cannot believe that you, of all people, are the one I have to tell this to. Ego is good, ya dumbass. It's the reason that guy wants you to be his surgeon. It's the reason that she is borderline attracted to you. And it's the reason that she so desperately wants to marry you.
J.D.: Page me when you're headed home.
Dr. Cox: Bottom line, in medicine, half of pulling it off is believing you're the biggest, smartest badass of a doctor to ever walk these halls. You want to see how you end up if you don't believe that?
Doug: [crushed under a corpse] I don't know how it happened again, but it did.

Turk: I am going to yank that gallbladder out of you so fast that your spleen is gonna say to your kidney, "what the hell happened to Frank?!" That's right, your kidney named your gallbladder Frank. I don't want you to worry about this another second, Mr. Hoffner, ok? 'Cause I'm the man! I am the man.

Dr. Cox: Guy's choking. I can't clear his airway. Call 911!
Turk: He'll be brain dead by the time- I'm gonna do an emergency trach. [to the taco stand owner] Let me get a knife! A clean knife! And can I get a number 2, no sour cream?

J.D.: [v.o.] No one wants to live out their last years in a hospital, but people do. There's really not much we can do for them except try to protect their dignity, and, of course, bet on them.
J.D.: Come on, Mr. Gilmore.
Turk: Come on, colonel Mustard! [photo finish] Ha! Pay up.
Mr. Gilmore: Can I get some jell-o, please?
J.D.: Jell-o is for winners.
Mr. Gilmore: What?
J.D.: I'm just kidding. We'll have some sent right to your room, big guy.

J.D.: Dude, you're not gonna believe how much trouble I'm having finding a place to live.
Turk: What happened with that little guest house you went to see?
[flashback:]
Woman: It's fully furnished and the owner of the main house is just great. In fact, if you look out the window, you can see him right now.
Man in Robe: Oh, he's perfect.
J.D.: Perfect for what?
[present:]
J.D.: Yeah, I think I'm gonna keep looking.

J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately for Jake, he still had to pass muster with Turk and me, and nothing is quite as daunting as our good guy test.
J.D.: Well, I could use a beer.
Jake: I got this round. Be right back.
J.D.: Good guy.
Turk: Great guy. Oh, my god.
J.D.: Excellent choice.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, I'd have more sympathy if this were the first time you'd broke both your feet working in the morgue.
Doug: Sir, it's like those corpses are out to get me.
Dr. Kelso: Heh, if only.
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I need you to give up this thing. No offense, son, but I can't have a delusional bozo like you driving a motorized vehicle around this hospital. Well, if it isn't the Sullivan Street cat house!

Elliot: I've never connected with a guy like this before. I mean, even though it's only been 2 weeks, I already feel like I know Jake better than I know myself.
Carla: What does he do for a living?
Elliot: I should know that.
Turk: What's the sex like?
Elliot: What makes you think that I have slept with him?
Dr. Kelso: [drives by] For starters, you've known him more than 10 minutes.
Elliot: You are a weird and angry man!
[Kelso beeps his horn]
Turk & J.D.: Two bits.

Dr. Kelso: Try not to breathe on the chrome, lurch. [honks horn] Out of my way, minions.

Dr. Cox: Hey, now, great work back there, Gandhi. What a story, huh? Blood, bravery, illegal immigrants. It had it all. Hell, when you tell Carla about this, the next time you two have sex, there's a slight chance that she actually just might think about you.
Turk: Perry, Perry, Perry, you know what the difference between us is? Well, besides the fact that I can carry a conversation without checking my own reflection every 5 seconds?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry. I get lost in my eyes.
Turk: Anyway, I'm not gonna tell anyone about this because unlike you. [pops balloon] Unlike you, I got into medicine to help people, not for my own personal glory.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. Now that's just a load of crap. Turns out the only reason anybody ever does anything is to feed the ego, because that's what we are, ego monsters. Mark my words, eventually you will tell people what you did.