Intern: Dr. Kelso, it's so cold in Pediatrics, the kids are wearing mittens.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. How you doing?

J.D.: [v.o.] Or the Janitor having menace in his eyes.
Nurse Roberts: That looks like trouble.
Janitor: Hey, come here a sec. We want to do stuff to you.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, just distract them before they do what they've got planned.
Janitor: We were thinking-
J.D.: I got a riddle for you.
Troy: This isn't how you said it would go.
Janitor: Troy. We're listening.
Janitor: Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one of them is not a nickel.
Janitor: I feel like I've heard this before. What are they?
J.D.: It's a riddle. You figure it out.
Janitor: Troy, get your hat. We're going to the bank.

Dr. Cox: As you know, I can't make a decision without your help, so here goes. On Oprah, there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's eating disorder, but on E! there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's fabulous new Tribeca loft. Don't get me wrong, I want to watch something about Lindsay Lohan. I'm just a little lost here.
J.D.: FYI, that loft is Lohan-tastic. It's vintage Lindsay.
Dr. Cox: Oh.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, when you walked away from Mrs. Goldstein anyone could've thought you were in trouble.
Dr. Cox: I had to go the bathroom, Barbie. [whistles] People, from now on, if anyone needs to take a leak, please notify Dr. Reid. It is a pet peeve of hers.

Dr. Kelso: Careful, Turkleton. First, it's no coffee. Next thing you know, she's going to want you in the delivery room, holding her hands while she pushes that little bugger out.
Carla: My man will be there when his baby is born.
Dr. Kelso: Of course he will. It's a different generation. [to Turk] Know this, 90 percent of all childbirths are accompanied by an accidental dookie.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's understandable why I've been feeling so much déjà vu. After five years, it's hard not to feel like you're repeating moments week after week.
Todd: Hey, I gotta run. They're doing a breast reduction on three, and I want to get up there and stop it. You know what I'm talking about!
Dr. Kelso: Son, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?
J.D.: [v.o.] So I guess all you can do is try to notice the subtle differences within those moments. Whether it's Turk's response to the baby stuff Carla makes him do...
Carla: Friday, we have to meet with the baby-proofer at the apartment.
Turk: I can't wait.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or it not bothering Elliot as much when Dr. Cox gives her a hard time.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Julius Erving is a doctor? [Elliot laughs]
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, sometimes, things are gonna repeat themselves in the exact same way.
J.D.: What the hell?
Janitor: It's a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike with a softball bat and a crowbar. One of them wasn't me.
J.D.: Oh, that's what happened to my old bike. Ha! Good day, fellas.
Janitor: See you tomorrow. Troy! This one's over.

J.D.: [v.o.] Today started off on a high note. Ernie, the homeless guy, shattered the record for the most blood donations in a month.
Ernie: Whoo!
Turk: Congratulations, Ernie. Nineteen pints!
[Ernie falls face down]
J.D.: He probably needs a little more juice.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since Dr. Cox was back, I decided to knock out all my errands extra quick. And what better way to get started than with my new 18-wheeler scooter horn? [horn honks] First, I grabbed a quick lunch. Then I returned some e-mails. Finally, a shortcut through the mall parking lot, which meant dealing with the skate rats and their famous ring o' fire.
J.D.: Ring of fire! Whoo-hoo! Top that, dude! Sasha! No!

J.D.: [v.o.] That's what déjà vu is, feeling like you've lived the same moments a thousand times. Whether it's Turk's tepid response to the annoying baby stuff Carla makes him do.
Carla: Friday, we have to meet the baby-proofer at the apartment.
Turk: [sarcastically] Oh, I can't wait!

Dr. Cox: Oh, is there a reason you're still near me?
Elliot: Well, we covered Mrs. Goldstein while you were gone, but you're back so she's your patient again. Her BP's been dropping, so it might be time to push thrombolytics.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, but- Yeah, but she could bleed out.
Elliot: Well, I suppose you could wait and see how she does.
Dr. Cox: Well, then she could decompensate.
Elliot: Well, those are the two options, so what are you gonna do?
Dr. Cox: I'll be right back.

J.D.: J.D. robs the ball! Black guy open!
[The ball is punctured on Leonard's hook[
Leonard: No ball in the hall.
Both: Sorry, Leonard.
Turk: You know, I wouldn't be so mad if that was the first time that had happened.
J.D.: Relax, they come three to a can.