J.D.: [v.o.] I know two things about bars. One, they're always packed the week of Thanksgiving. And two, put a beer in my hand and I'm Mr. Smooth.
Jennifer: I was laughing so hard, milk was coming out of my nose. [all laugh]
J.D.: Well, I once tripped over an IV and blood shot over everyone. [silence] A little got on my nose. Every damn day, saving those children.
Turk: Who wants margaritas?!
J.D.: Dude, less blood, more fruity drinks.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk hasn't changed a bit since college. He's the same goof ball who tells me how to be cooler.
Turk: Dude. This girl's hot. So try not to blow it.
J.D.: Why do you say that?
Turk: Because you're like a 24-hour convenience store. You never close.
J.D.: That sounds like a Fat Albert joke.
[fantasy: J.D. imagines Turk and a group of African-American laughing]

Elliot: All right, showtime. Clear out so I can check him out.
J.D.: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're examining me? I don't want you to see my unmentionables.
Elliot: [laughs] I've seen underwear before.
J.D.: Actually, I use the word unmentionables for my genitals as well.

Elliot: Shortness of breath? Dizziness? Problems urinating?
J.D.: No, no, no... Is it a problem if it whistles?
Elliot: Oh, you're making this so much easier. Are you sexually active?
J.D.: Oh, it's active.
Elliot: All right, I'll write "rare dry spell" in the margin. OK, time for the physical.
J.D.: Ah. Cold hands.
Elliot: Suck it up!
J.D.: [v.o.] Elliot's exam was frighteningly reminiscent of when my older brother beat the crap out of me.

J.D.: I'm still puking every hour and my fever's pretty high, but you're sure it's OK for me to be out of bed, right?
Dr. Cox: I don't know. Look, Dr. Benson was kind of my mentor. So don't do that annoying thing.
J.D.: What annoying thing?
Dr. Cox: When you talk.
J.D.: Come on.
Dr. Cox: See, there it is. How does that not drive you crazy?
J.D.: You get used to it.
Dr. Cox: I know you're all excited because you've got the gown on but at no time are you to curtsy.

J.D.: I can't believe I have to spend all Thanksgiving here. Tell me that wouldn't kill you.
Carla: Not really.
J.D.: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in your homeland?
Carla: You mean Chicago?
J.D.: You have a Chicago? [off Carla's look] Be nice to me. I'm getting surgery.
Carla: Dr. Wen is the attending.
J.D.: Yeah, but who's the intern doing the work?
Turk: [singing] I get to cut you open I get to cut you open

J.D.: [v.o.] I think it's a universal feeling to want to be there for a good friend. That's why from now on, I'm going to stop seeing Turk as my crazy frat brother.
Dr. Wen: Dr. Turk, if you will?
Turk: We'll mark for the incision right about here.
J.D.: [v.o.] After all, he's a highly trained, competent young doctor.
[fantasy: Turk is wearing a toga with a bear-can hat on his head:]
Turk: Dude! I'm about to bust a mad sliz-ice in your insides!
[reality:]
J.D.: Sir, I'd prefer if someone other than Dr. Turk performed the surgery.

J.D.: You understand, right?
Turk: Whatever, man.
J.D.: You want some salsa for that chip on your shoulder?
Turk: I can't believe you. I would never ever, ever do something like this to you. You're like school in July.
J.D.: What do you mean?
Turk: No class.
[fantasy: Turk and a group of African-American men laughing at the bar]

Dr. Cox: That was just exactly what I said this morning.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, it sounded familiar.
Dr. Cox: Huh.
Dr. Kelso: What?
Dr. Cox: I was wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don't show?
Dr. Kelso: I wonder what bothers you the most? Is it that I saved his life and he likes me as a person? I bet it's how much he respects me as a doctor. How does that taste? Bitter? Hard to get down? [licks lips]

Carla: Look, Elliot I'm not the kind of person who likes telling people what to do, but...
[montage:]
Carla: [to J.D.] Here's what you should do.
Carla: [to Turk] Here's what I think.
Carla: [to Dr. Cox] Here's what your problem is.