Turk: Dr. Kelso, do you have any idea who's gonna get those three attending spots next year?
Dr. Kelso: There are four spots for next year.
Turk: Three, if you're not counting the one going to me.
Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna stick with four, Turkleton. See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart. [chuckles] Did you see the sign? Though there will be no vandalism here, people! It was classic. Anyway, the key is doing something to get noticed.
Turk: I don't know if you know, but I'm doing an appendectomy using hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's about time. Hell's bells, son, when I say the name Turkleton, people laugh.
Turk: Maybe because that's not my name.
Dr. Kelso: Not yet, Turkleton. Not yet.

J.D.: When did we lose Mr. Heath?
Carla: Oh, we didn't. His vitals are fine.
J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.
Doug: It's a slow day in my morgue. Nothing's written in stone.
J.D.: You wrote a time of death!
Doug: I wrote "one-ish."
J.D.: Get outta here!

J.D.: That's it. I'll do the triathlon!
Carla: Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons.
J.D.: Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded Cease and Desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.

J.D.: [v.o.] As I sidestroked through the salty waters of the great Pacific. Pick an apple, put it in your pocket. Pick an apple, put it in your pocket. I wondered if everyone was doing as well as I was.

Turk: Why are these cameras here?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart. [chuckles] I can't help it, it kills me. Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese news anchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon. If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!

Dr. Cox: We are also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at Caltech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous after-screams that are sure to follow.

J.D.: [v.o.] As I reached the biking stage and finally realized what chafing was, I got a surprise visitor.
Elliot: [bell dings] How's it goin'?
J.D.: Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish.

Elliot: Can I talk about Jake?
J.D.: Dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.
Elliot: Anytime I talk about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner.
[flashback:]
Nurse: I've been dating this guy for a few weeks, but I just found out that he went on a gay cruise last month.
Carla: Probably a cheap trip. Marry him, the four of us'll have dinner.
Nurse: But he also said he might be gay!
Carla: Dinner!

Elliot: Promise to help me get through my thirtieth?
J.D.: Mm-hmm. Will you tell me what Jake's fantasy was?
Elliot: Nope.
J.D.: It involve chains?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Whips?
Elliot: Nuh-uh.
J.D.: Candle wax?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Role playing?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Lasers?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Hamsters?
Elliot: Negative.
J.D.: Was he a Mexican apple thief?
Elliot: [sighs] If only.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since I was currently homeless, Turk and Carla were letting me crash here as long as I needed.
Carla: J.D., you have to get out. This place is tiny. And I'm sick of seeing your man-panties all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.
Carla: They're satin, J.D.
J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel.
J.D.: [v.o.] King me.