Dr. Cox: I do not have a crush.
Carla: What is this?
Dr. Cox: That is a form allowing Mr. Stockton's band to come visit him so that Dr. Miller will be happy that I did a nice thing for her. [pathetic whimper]
Carla: Turk, he wants to be with Dr. Miller because he thinks it'll make him what?
Turk: Happy.
Carla: Exactly. But he's really only happy when he's?
Turk: Miserable.
Carla: Right! So why does he really want to be with Dr. Miller?
Turk: 'cause she got big-ass boobies.
Carla: No, no, no. Because he likes being miserable.
Dr. Cox: If I actually enjoyed being miserable, then why wouldn't I stay here talking to you two? [whistles]

Turk: Morning.
Carla: What's up with him?
Turk: He slept with Elliot last night.
Carla: Is it that time of year again?
Turk: Dude, ignore her. That's three years in a row who's feeling you?
J.D.: You be.

Irv: I'm sorry, sir. But there's no parking allowed at the emergency curb. But I'd be happy to park your car for you, and run the keys up to you in a jiff.
Man: Yeah. Except this is my only set? And I'm afraid you might eat them. Okay? See ya, tubs.
Irv: I've been trying like the dickens to cut down on my snacking, but it's just so...
J.D.: Bup-bup-bup. You look great, Irv.
J.D.: [v.o.] Irv didn't look great, but I didn't have time to talk.

J.D.: Danni!?
J.D.: [v.o.] When you run into someone you used to date, either you find them totally annoying or enough time has passed that you've idealized everything about them.
Danni: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] "Hey, J.D."

J.D.: [v.o.] And there she was. My lady.
J.D.: Hey, Elliot.
Elliot: J.D., I can't talk right now.
J.D.: Should we just hold each other?
Sean: Sorry. Sorry, I couldn't find a parking spot. Hey, J.D. What's up?
J.D.: What's up?
[fantasy: J.D. is wearing a Viking helmet and using a bull-horn:]
J.D.: Attention, Sacred Heart! Everyone please gather 'round. Doctors, nurses, patients, hear ye, hear ye. Everyone should know that last night, Elliot Reid and I made passionate love for a good hour and a half. Check that! A great hour and a half. When I hit it, I hit it good! That is all!
[reality, J.D. is silent so Elliot and Sean walk away:]
Carla: Aww, Bambi freeze up again?
Turk: It's not our problem, honey.

[As Elliot and Sean kiss:]
J.D.: You've got something on your face.
Sean: What?
J.D.: [v.o.] The love of my life.
J.D.: You got it.

Elliot: Listen, J.D. Last night was really important to me.
J.D.: I know. I mean, you don't want to be rusty at sex before you throw down with your real boyfriend, do ya?
Elliot: Look, you and I have been down this road before and we both know where it ends. I'm sorry. I just I really want to make this work with Sean. So, please don't say anything to him?
J.D.: Okay? I totally understand. You know, Danni and I are getting back together, too.
J.D.: [v.o.] We are?
Elliot: Danni? Danni, Danni, Danni. What was her last name?
J.D.: [v.o.] Damn! I should know this.
Elliot: [gasps] Blonde hair!
J.D.: Yes. Raspy voice.

Dr. Miller: Oh, yeah. That incision's healing up nicely.
Jeff: Thanks again, Dr. Miller. I'm gonna have my band write a song about you.
Dr. Miller: Well, I'm glad I struck a chord. [laughs]
Dr. Cox: Yeah, listen: While you were proving once and for all that pretty girls do not in fact need to be funny, I went ahead and took a look at your little rock star's chart.
Dr. Miller: Oh, did you?
Dr. Cox: Yes, I did. And his urine output is dropping, so you should probably start him on Lasix.
Dr. Miller: You amuse me. So even though he's post-op and still technically my patient, I'm gonna pretend to consider your opinion before I walk away and do whatever I want. Hmm. No!

Carla: Look, if you're really into security, Irv's position just opened up.
Janitor: What happened to Irv?
[flashback to Irv smothering the man who was rude to him:]
Man: Tubs?
Irv: Who's tubby now!?!?!
Nurse: Stop him!
[As Carla and Turk tackle Irv, she injects him with a sedative to take him down]
[present:]
Carla: He had to be let go.

Dr. Cox: Quick question: Will my son ever stop crying?
Jordan: You know what's so sweet? This morning, Jack called her "Da-Da".
Dr. Cox: I'm- I'm- I'm sorry. Look, there's a new doctor at the hospital, and she is such a relentless chore that every time she's harping at me, I actually see your face.
Jordan: I love that you think about me at work.
Dr. Cox: Honestly, Jordan, I have never despised anyone more.
Jordan: Oh, my God. You have a crush on her.
Dr. Cox: Who said who to what now?
Jordan: It is so typical. We have an amazing son, we're totally getting along for a change but that's too boring for you. It's too nice! So you have to go and blow the whole thing up, don't you? Well, bravo, Perry. Oh, fantastic.
Dr. Cox: [to the heavens] Now, I know you say you love us all equally. But you don't, do ya. I'm onto you, Big Man.