Carla: Okay, we have another dog coming in. Do you want him or the four cats next door?
Elliot: Oh, I'll go with the dog. I don't know what it is, but all cats hate me. I mean, if I even make eye contact with them, they freak out.

J.D.: Well, Dan, what can I say. It's been, uh, three days.
Dan: Two days.
J.D.: Feels like three. But, uh, say hi to Wayne, and good luck in the bumper pool tournament.
Dan: Yeah, actually, J.D., I don't think I'm leaving.
J.D.: Why!?
Dan: Well, 'cause I'm worried about you. I mean, hanging with you today and watching you work, with the gomer talk and all the attitude now, I'm not so sure I like the guy you're turning into. It's definitely not my little brother.
J.D.: You know what, Dan, once Dad left and Mom started marrying everyone that rang the doorbell, I remember someone saying how lucky I was to have an older brother. But you never came through for me once, did you. I mean, I called you for help because I'm in love with a girl who's in love with someone else, and you responded by showing up here, drinking all my Baileys Irish Cream, and whining about Mom's new boyfriend. You are a self-involved user, Dan. And you wanna tell me what kind of person to be? I tell you what, instead, why don't you just get the hell out of my life?
Dan: But we're brothers. That counts for something, right?
J.D.: Not to me.

J.D.: [v.o.] Whenever there's an argument in my family, it's a time-honored tradition to pretend nothing happened.
Dan: How are your chocolate chip flapjacks, little brother?
J.D.: Chocolate chippity good!
Dan: More whipped cream, Christopher?
Turk: Bring it!
Dan: I just want to say before I hit the road, it's been great hanging with you. And Johnny, I know I don't say this nearly enough, but, um... [farts] Ooh, coffee's kicking in. I'll be back in just under four minutes.

[J.D. is wearing a sleeveless t-shirt which reads "Black by popular domand"]
J.D.: Hey, thanks for loaning me this shirt, man. I got a lot of compliments from the sistas. Sharon the security guard even called me a cracker!
Turk: Dude, how many time I gotta tell you? Cracker, bad!

Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, suspendees, Ted. Guess who's back from the vet! One, two, three! What a boy!
Ted: Sir, about Nurse Espinosa and Dr. Reid's suspensions, really there aren't any grounds to punish them for moonlighting, because they weren't working with people, just animals.
Dr. Kelso: "Just animals"? Oh, please, this dog is smarter than most people. He's definitely smarter than you.
Ted: Sir, I don't think.
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, sit. Ted, sit.
Carla: Ted, you don't have to.
Ted: Shut up, I can win this.
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, speak. [dog barks] Ted, speak.
Ted: Helloooo!
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, left foot. Ted, left hand.
Elliot: Left hand, Ted.
Ted: Hellooooooooooo!
Dr. Kelso: Baxter wins! He gets the desk. Baxter, go up.

Janitor: Gah! Those are definitely broken! Why did you do that!?
Dan: Gee, I dunno.
Janitor: Who are you?
Dan: Waiting for my brother.
J.D.: Hey, Dan.
Janitor: Well, isn't that perfect. You send your brother in to do the dirty work, huh? And with an open fly, no less! [they both look] Made you look. A two-fer! Emergency Room?
J.D.: That way.

J.D.: So, you taking off?
Dan: Yeah.
J.D.: Look, um, Dan, I wanna apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.
Dr. Cox: No you don't.
J.D.: I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face. But, honestly, you're my brother; you can crash at my place as long as you like.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, it's enough just to love my brother, even though I know he'll never come up big for me.
Dr. Cox: Well, Mr. Pickles, welcome back.
J.D.: Here we go with this guy again.
Dr. Cox: Yep. Still, it sure is nice to be doing something you love. I wouldn't trade it. How 'bout you?
J.D.: No.
Dr. Cox: Don't forget that.
Mr. Bober: Pickles.
Dr. Cox: Damn right, sir. [chuckles] Damn right.