Elliot: I miss Sean. This long-distance thing is killing me.
Carla: Well, are you having phone-sex?
Elliot: Uh, gross! Have you and Turk ever done it?
Carla: Last year, when he went home for the holidays, I gave him a call. You'd be surprised at how much Turk's eleven-year-old nephew sounds like him... and how worldly he is.

Elliot: Yeah, well I'm not comfortable doing it here, anyway. I mean, these walls are so thin, that guy next door listens to every single thing I say. Yeah, I can hear you, there, breathing! [a dog pants on the other side of the wall] You sick bastard!

Turk: So, Mrs. D.'s getting remarried, huh?
Dan: To a loser! Total loser. This guy's making me move out of Mom's attic.
J.D.: Oh, the audacity.
Dan: I know. But you know what? This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time I came down to see you guys when you were in med school... Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! Remember, the one with the huge cans? What was her name?
J.D.: Amy.
Dan: Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that?
J.D.: She was my girlfriend.
Dan: Right. You got her number?

Turk: Ah, come to papa.
J.D.: Turk, can you please not put your skivvies in the freezer!? I'm sick of my popsicles tasting like fabric softener!
Turk: I like my bad boys to stay nice and cold.
Dan: Make sure you're nice and dry down there, otherwise you get a tongue-on-the-flagpole situation. You don't want that.
Turk: Ah!

J.D.: This is a stimulating conversation. I can't imagine why Mom's new husband doesn't want you in the house.
Dan: Me neither! And you know what, J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think this marriage might actually stick. Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried to solve everything with sex.
J.D.: They did?
Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact, the only reason you were born is 'cause Mom bounced a check at the market.
J.D.: Oh, that's great! I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car?
Dan: No, they wanted me.

Elliot: So, where do you guys moonlight?
Woman: Insurance physicals.
Man: Free clinic.
Turk: Mammogram-mobile. Well, not officially. I just got the offer today but I'd make more money than I do now, riding around in an ambulance, and even though I'll be handling breasts all day, my beautiful fiancee, who is very secure with the... will let me... I ride around in an ambulance.

J.D.: [v.o.] Dan wanted to come with me to work today, but I told him it would make me a little uncomfortable. He was okay with it.
Dan: Now, I heard there's a bed in the on-call room. You ever get, uh, hot & heavy in there?
J.D.: Nah, usually I'm in there by myself.
Dan: So, yes.

J.D.: Dr. Cox! You remember my brother Dan?
Dan: Whatta ya say, Coxy!
Dr. Cox: Nothing!
Dan: That's a first.
J.D.: This is my boss, Dan.
Dr. Cox: You know what a boss is: For you, that would be the seventeen-year-old that tells you to clean out the grease-trap after you've filled all the ketchups.

Elliot: Thanks a lot, Turk. I didn't get that mammogram-mobile job because they said you took it after all.
Carla: What!?
Turk: Yes, I took it. But, it pays better, and we both know that this job is about helping women detect breast cancer, and nothing more. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work. [uses breath spray]
Carla: Well, have fun. 'Cause you'll never see "the girls" again.

Dr. Cox: Oh-ho! Lookie here! Uh, tell me sir, what is it that brings Dr. Dorian's favorite gomer back to the hospital?
Mr. Bober: Pickles.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough.
Dan: What's a gomer?
J.D.: A gomer's an old person that takes up room in the hospital and doesn't have the common decency to die.
Dan: See, now that's just rude is what that is.
J.D.: Well, I'm sorry, dude, I don't- I don't have time for pickles right now. I got three vegetables and a drug addict who's gonna tell me this time things'll be different, then try to take my watch again. Dammit! Can't we just, you know, put a pillow over his head and put him out of his misery?
Dr. Cox: Not gonna be necessary, seeing as how his temperature is below a hundred. Take him away.