J.D.: Hey, friend. I switched shift so we could hang out tonight.
Turk: Hell, yeah. There's no beer in the fridge. You know, we're gonna have to make a stop and pick up some Hooch.
Hooch: Yeah, Turk?
Turk: Sorry man, I was talking about the beer.
Hooch: That's no problem, buddy.
Turk: All right.
Hooch: Just seems like you could have said "beer". Yeah, it's much more a common word.
Turk: My bad. Won't happen again.
Hooch: "Won't happen again."
J.D.: You knew he was there, didn't you?
Turk: I couldn't help myself.

J.D.: The point is in the meantime it's important you don't spiral into depression, okay? So I'm taking you to a carnival downtown tonight. What do you say?
Turk: Dude, I can't go to a carnival, it reminds me of Carla.
J.D.: Why?
Turk: Dude, CARNIVAL. Remove the NIV, switch the A and L and you get Carla.
[fantasy: J.D. writes CARNIVAL above his head. He removes the NIL, switches the A & L, then joins it together.]
J.D.: Oh, my God, he's right.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, I am sick and tired of listening to people complain about being called fatties, dummies, boozers, losers, winos, tubbos, tokers, smokers and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.
Dr. Cox: I was actually saying jokers and had coffee cake in my mouth.
Dr. Kelso: Bottom line, unlike my masseuse Frida, you're not pretty enough to be this rough. Work on your bedside manner.

Dr. Cox: Say, Bobbo, when exactly was the last time you treated a patient?
[flashback to a Dr. Kelso with a full head or brown hair in a patient's room:]
Dr. Kelso: Now, you listen to me, Bettie. No mater how long it takes, we're gonna get through this.
Man: Congratulations Bob, they just named you chief of medicine.
Dr. Kelso: Bingo! Smell you later, Betty.
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: Fine, you want me to take a patient, I'll take a patient.
Dr. Cox: The Bobbotron is actually gonna try to connect with an other human being. This is so on. [whistles] Guys, it's so on.

Carla: And I am not kidding you. My mom turns to the guidance counselor, and she says... [speaks Spanish].
[Elliot laughs]
Carla: You understood that?
Elliot: No, but I know when I'm supposed to laugh in any language.

Dr. Kelso: What we are dealing with are venostasis ulceres, most likely because of your weight.
Miss Goldman: Wow, you figured out that I'm fat. You're either a brilliant doctor, or every guy I've ever gone high school with.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, moving on. From the numbers I'm seeing on your fast and glucose and tryglicerines, I'm suspecting-
Miss Goldman: Metabolic syndrome?
Dr. Kelso: Yes. Now, this condition is not that rare.
Miss Goldman: One in five people have it.
Dr. Kelso: Stop doing that.
Miss Goldman: Why am I paying you to tell me things I've already figured out on my own?
Dr. Kelso: Maybe because I graduated first in my class at Stanford in 1972?
Miss Goldman: You graduated twelfth of your class in 1968.
Nurse Roberts: She Googled your ass.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I am not interested in your street lingo. What I am interested in is where she found that magic phone that keeps making me look like an idiot.

J.D.: [on the phone] Hey, Elliot, do me a favor.
[at the hospital:]
Elliot: What do you mean, "say Hooch"?
Hooch: [with bloody surgical gloves] Oh my God, what? I'm a little busy.
Elliot: I'm sorry, I'm not really sure what's happening right now.
Hooch: Well, of course you're not. Because in your head, it's all about you, isn't it? Well no more. Say Hooch again, it will be the last thing you ever say.
J.D.: [laughing] He was mad, wasn't he? Oh, Hooch is crazy.

Dr. Cox: Ask Betty why he's such a girly girl.
Elliot: Not now.
Dr. Cox: Do it now, do it now. Call her Betty.
Elliot: You're insane.
Dr. Cox: Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty.
Elliot: [on the phone with J.D.] Betty?
J.D.: Yeah.
Elliot: Oh, my god, it worked!

Dr. Cox: What is it Bob?
Dr. Kelso: When the hell did patients stop respecting us? I really tried to help that young woman and she she rolled over me like Enid's wheelchair over Baxter's tail. Enid was recently paralyzed, I haven't told anyone. Anyway, I couldn't handle a patient, so go ahead, take your shots.
Dr. Cox: I want to, Bob. I really do. But my first patient today was a snot-nosed little punk who wouldn't let me give him a rectal exam unless I said pretty please first. And I'm just not big on begging strangers to stick my hand up their butt. Not even in my private time.

J.D.: [v.o.] You can never truly capture the past.
Barber: That will be $18.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm not paying. I'm a doctor.
Barber: Yeah, we don't do that anymore. You're paying.
[Dr. Kelso gets up out of the barber's chair, still wearing the cape, and runs out of the shop]
J.D.: [v.o.] You still have to try, though. Because as a recently incarcerated doctor once said, nothing worth having comes easy.