Dr. Cox: Not telling Jordan that I've been reading her journal is one of the best decisions I've ever made. Now I know of all her hopes and dreams, which, of course, make them easier to crush.

J.D.: What kind of a good way? In the boudoir, right? Up high!
Turk: We're getting a little old to be making such a big deal out of having sex.
J.D.: Yeah, you're right.
Turk: I'm just playin', man!
J.D.: Thank goodness. When you said that, I died a little inside.
Turk: Give it up for me gettin' some! Upstairs! [they bump chests]
J.D.: Downstairs! [they bump crotches]
Turk: I don't really like downstairs.
J.D.: Really? Well, I wanted to try it.

J.D.: [v.o.] As attending physicians, it was important that Turk and I took an interest in the interns.
J.D.: All right! You're space invaders! Try and stay together, for goodness sake.
Turk: Game on!
[Turk and J.D. throw water balloons offer the roof at the interns]
Turk: Eat it!
J.D.: All right, Boon! You're the mother ship. Josephine, use your annoying voice to make the mother ship sound.
Josephine: [beeps]
Turk: Gah! Somebody get him some ice!

J.D.: Does anyone know why we did that?
Josephine: Because you're so mean and stupid?
J.D.: No, we did it to teach you an important lesson about medicine, which we'll reveal to you once you've changed into dry scrubs.
Turk: What's the lesson?
J.D.: I don't know. We need to come up with something quick, though, because Boon has a concussion and his father's a lawyer.

J.D.: What could we have been teaching them?
Dr. Cox: All right, listen up. I'll tell you one thing, people. You've got to be ready for anything this hospital trows at you.
J.D.: That's perfect.
Turk: I'll go tell the interns.
J.D.: Wait, wait! Let me write it down so you don't forget it.
Turk: That's a good idea.

Dr. Cox: Do you think I should try my new "I'll take that food right out of your hands" diet on him?
Elliot: Does it matter what I say?
Dr. Cox: Does it ever?
Elliot: No.

J.D.: [v.o.] Speaking of getting badly burned,
Turk: I'll tell you why I threw water balloons at you all. All right? I threw water balloons at you guys because...
[Turk's note reads "Suck it, bitch"]
Boon: I'm so calling my dad.
Josephine: You're in trouble now, Mr. Man.
Turk: I'm gonna kill J.D.

J.D.: So, Emery, your skin graft is looking great. It should only be a few more weeks, and we'll have you in physical therapy.
Emery: No, I have to be out of here by this Saturday.
J.D.: Why, you got a ho
J.D.: [v.o.] Careful. He's a burn victim. Don't say "Hot date".
J.D.: Hot rendezvous?
J.D.: [v.o.] Damn it!

Dr. Cox: So what's the big gift there, Gordon?
Turk: Who?
Dr. Cox: Black guy from Sesame Street.
Turk: Oh, well. The past couple of months I've secretly been taking classes, and listening to tapes, and I have learned Spanish for my baby.
Dr. Cox: That's fantastic. It only took you 6 years to learn the language that your wife speaks.

Elliot: Lloyd, you're an ambulance driver now?
Lloyd: That's right, bro. Drivin' an amby. E.M.T. Emergency something, something.
Elliot: Coolio? So how does it compare to delivering packages?
[flashback to Lloyd rocking out in the drivers seat as a patient with an injured hand takes the wheel:]
Man: Excuse me!
Lloyd: What is it, bro?
Man: Shouldn't I ride in back with my fingers?
[Lloyd puts the man's good hand back on the steering wheel]
[present:]
Lloyd: Pretty much the same.