Kim: Anyone else have a question? Yes, you i-in the back.
Old MC: Bust-a-move!
Kim: Really more of a statement than a question, but thank you.

Kim: So we've been dating about a month and I just didn't want to say anything until I knew it was gonna go somewhere.
Sean: Well, we hit a little speed bump when I first found out that Sam was your baby.
Kim: Yeah, he got drunk and asked me to sell him on the black market.
Sean: Yeah. She wouldn't, but...

Kim: Hey, dudes.
J.D.: Don't "hey, dudes" us. You know what bothers me?
Kim: Non-threatening colloquial greetings?

Kim: Well, I'm up for anything. I married my high school boyfriend so the only first date I ever went on was in tenth grade. It began with me in the back of his Miata because his friend Benny called shotgun and it ended with us going to the arcade to, and I quote, "Eat pizza and beat up nerds." And I married that guy.

Kim: So, uh, let's go. Um. Do you like kids?
J.D.: Of course I do! What about you? Any nieces or nephews?
Kim: Yeah, I have a nephew. Although he's forty-five. But occasionally I do have to change his diaper. He was kicked by a horse.
J.D.: Oh, no.
Kim: Yeah.

[Jack flings dirt at Kim as he plays with a previously potted pant]
Kim: He's so sweet! [to J.D.] You put one of those inside me! What are we gonna do?

Elliot: Kim, uh, J.D. tells us that you're looking around town for a new job?
Kim: Yeah, I just don't think the department head here is ever gonna promote me.
Elliot: Why?
[flashback to Kim and J.D. at the piano at a party:]
Kim: Dr. Lemke! You're gonna love this. We're a husband and wife piano playing team, only I have no hands!
[J.D. plays piano. Kim joins in by hitting keys with her forehead]
Kim: With my head!
J.D.: How great is that!
Dr. Lemke: This is my wife, Sally. She lost her thumbs last month when our pet Komodo dragon, Morty, got out of his cage.
J.D.: On the bright side, you have beautiful nubs.

J.D.: I'm sorry I was such an idiot, I just I'm really gonna miss you.
Kim: Look, we gonna talk every night, we gonna get you a hands-free headset for phone sex. We gonna get through it. Oh god, I'm gonna be so big when I get back, you not gonna want to touch me.
J.D.: Ridiculous, I've been with a lot of big girls.

[Elliot walks in as J.D. "motorboats" Kim's breasts on the big screen TV:]
Elliot: Hey, hey, hey, hey! That is so not why I bought you that.
Kim: [over webcam] Elliot, relax. We heard you coming.
Elliot: Whatever. Kim, your boobies look great up there. [exits]
J.D.: I didn't hear her coming.
Kim: Me neither. All right, now get back in there, stud.
J.D.: In a sec. I really miss you.
Kim: Oh. Yeah, I miss you too.

J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes you find amoment that knocks you on your ass.
J.D.: How's our baby doing, eh?
Kim: J.D., I had a miscarriage.