J.D.: How come you never tortured me, you know, like, when I first started?
Carla: You were Bambi. Somebody had to teach you how to walk.
J.D.: Thank you for that. For being my teacher.
Carla: No problem.
J.D.: Is there anything I can do to repay the favor?
Carla: Tell me my husband loves me more than he loves you.
J.D.: It's about the same.
Carla: I'll take it. I'm going to miss you, Bambi.
J.D.: I'm going to miss you, too.

J.D.: Rough day, huh? Well, maybe it would help to share with someone.
Carla: OK, you want in? You want me to open up?
J.D.: I think I can handle it.
Carla: Fine.
[fantasy: Carla peels back her forehead, revealing a white, glowing source of heat:]
Carla: I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I think, I don't like the way I feel about how I look and think.
[Carla's brain shoots a heat ray at J.D.'s face, which melts]
Carla: I have too much hair, my boobs are too low, my butt is too big, and I am too short.
[reality:]
Carla: Plus, I woke up and cried because I thought I was getting wrinkles, but it turns out I just fell asleep on Turk's corduroy pants.

Carla: Listen, Stretch, if you know who this belongs to, I'd 'fess up right now. Otherwise, I'm gonna grab you by the back of that two-dollar haircut and force-feed you the sample so you can carry it around all day. That way, if I ever want it back, all I have to do is point you at a beaker and squeeze really hard! Now, you got any more funny jokes you gotta tell me?
Janitor: No, ma'am.

Dr. Kelso: Maybe you should just order.
Carla: I'll have an espresso, please, and... What kind of scones do you have?
Man: [coughs loudly] Son of a bitch. Do you mind, lady? I am in a rush.
Carla: Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry. What am I doing, thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I'm going to have to call my mom, tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you so much.
Dr. Kelso: I think what she means is, she doesn't give a crappuccino. Allan, this is on me. God help me, I love spunk.

Carla: "Take two Turks as needed, apply to sensitive areas..." Who wrote this?
Turk: Whassup? [chuckles] Oh, come on, Carla. Give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.
Carla: Well, you're a surgeon, so you got the God complex, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You've no idea what I'm like, so all your feelings for me are coming from down there. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing, and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "No". So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite.
J.D.: I'd go with the God complex. But it's hard to choose. You know, they're all so good.

Turk: Baby, J.D. is my best friend, but if you need me to kick his ass, I will kick his ass, because I care for you.
Carla: And 'cause I'm willing to sleep with you.
Turk: Hell, yeah. [laughs]
Carla: Well, sweetie, you know if I wanted his ass kicked I'd do it myself. [Todd growls] Todd, if you ever make that horny cat noise at me again, I will reach into your mouth and unscrew that seven-watt-bulb that barely keeps your brain open for business.

Carla: And most of all, I wish our mom was with us tonight. Not because she was taken too early, but because she would see how happy you've made me, and she would love you forever for that. And Christopher?
Turk: Yes?
Carla: I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but you've managed to erase them all, because each and every one of them has led me to you.

Dr. Kelso: Excuse me, ex-nurse Turkleton. But if you want to hang out around here you're going to need a visitor's badge.
[song "Gonna Miss You, Carla":]
Ted: So, Carla when will you be back?
Carla: Not for a year.
Ted's band: [gasp] A year?!
Carla: Not for one long, long year.
Ted's band: We understand you love that kid. But this ain't no way to treat us.
Nurse Roberts: And I hesitate to say you did what Judas done to Jesus.
Doug: When you leave us all, we'll be upset.
Janitor: Look out. That floor is very wet.
All: We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're gonna miss you 'round here. We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're saying this through our tears. How we ever going to get along without you for a long, long year?
Ted: Who'll tell me that my new toupee looks sweet?
Dr. Kelso: Who'll treat my gay son's rash and be discreet?
Todd: Who'll give me better ways to say "man meat"?
Carla: Pincho chiquito. ["Tiny penis."]
Todd: Thanks. I'm using that.
All: We're gonna miss you 'round here. We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're saying this through our tears. How we ever going to get along without you for a long, long year?
Turk: My baby made the choice to be at home and not at work. So let us all rejoice 'cause she's the brand new mama Turk.
Carla: He's right, of course. And yet my heart in spite of this feels torn apart.
All: We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're gonna miss you 'round here.
Ted: I need a tissue, Carla.
All: We're saying this through our tears. How we ever gonna get along without you? How we ever gonna get along without you? How we ever gonna get along without you?
Turk: Lunch!
Carla: It's gonna be a long, long year.

Carla: Turk, I wanna come back to work. It's who I am.
Turk: Oh. Well, I always thought that family was the most important thing to Puerto Ricans.
[song "For the Last Time, I'm Dominican":]
Carla: I've had it up to here So let me make it very clear. Because I swear I'll never clue you in again. Every time that you profess I come from Puerto Rico.
Turk: Yes?
Carla: For the last time, Turk, I'm Dominican.
Turk: Don't make a big to-do, I was simply testing you.
Carla: Then why'd you tell J.D. our baby is "Blaxican"?
Turk: Babe, you know I know the truth.
Carla: Well, I need a little proof, So list all you know about me or no sex again.
Turk: Oh, let's see. Your name is Carla.
Carla: Oh, yes.
Turk: You are Latina.
Carla: Impressive.
Turk: You are a nurse, your mother is dead and... Wait! I got it. Three sisters.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: Two sisters? Well, I'm sure you have a brother who is a huge jerkoff.
Carla: Tell me what's my middle name.
Turk: Okay, I'm tired of this game. Let's forget it. I give up. I guess you win again. But it's not just me who gets mixed up By all this crazy ethnic stuff.
Todd: Sorry, even I know She's Dominican. Booya!
Carla: Did I grow up in Illinois or was it Michigan? How long before we met was I in Medicine? Was our wedding song The Beatles or Led Zepellin? Am I freakin' Puerto Rican or Dominican?
Turk: The thing is guys remember facts Like what Derek Jeter hit last year Which was 303. And that is why Our brains are maxed. And there's no room for things like Birthdays or ethnicities.
Carla: Well, thank you for that glimpse Into the workings of the inner man.
Turk: Let's talk about your job and Not the fact that you're
Carla: Dominican.
Turk: You're not staying home from work?
Carla: Will that make you happy, Turk?
Turk: I'll support you if you choose to earn the Benjamins.
Carla: Then I'll return to work today. Now, are you sure that that's okay?
Turk: I say "si" which is "yes" in Dominican. And Puerto Rican.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: But you're Dominican.

Carla: Elliot, relax. This is your night. You get to make all the decisions. Now, all your friends are standing by. I have made reservations at four different restaurants. I booked a paintball field, four lanes at the bowling alley, and I made reservations at various gay dance clubs. You get to pick what we do, what we talk about, and at the end, Keith will show up to carry you out the door, reminding the rest of us that you are the one that's getting married.
Elliot: And what if I don't like the outfit that some of the girls are wearing?
Carla: Everyone's been told that they have to bring a bag of outfits.
Elliot: Is Ronni Eppolito coming?
Carla: Ronni is waiting at the next corner, and she has no idea why. If you want, we can pick her up. If not, we can fly right by.
Elliot: Carla, you're the most amazing friend ever!
Carla: Duck!
Elliot: I love you.
Carla: I love you, too.