Trending ‘Schitt's Creek’ Quotes

Quote from Moira in Moira's Nudes

Johnny: You know, all things considered Moira I'd say we have a couple of pretty great kids.
Moira: Mmm-hmm. They say it's through our children that we stay young. But I haven't seen much effort on their part.

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Quote from David in Moira vs. Town Council

Johnny: What is that? Is that a new lamp?
David: Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.
Johnny: That's a write off?
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Do you even know what a write off is?!
David: Uh, yeah. It's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Johnny: Oh, and who pays for it?
David: Nobody, you write it off.
Johnny: Who writes it off?!
David: I don't know, the govern- The "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?

Quote from Moira in Dead Guy in Room 4

Moira: It's startlingly quiet in here, David. Is that a good sign?
David: I thought you were booked up all day, and that's why you couldn't help Dad with the dead b- That thing in the motel.
Moira: I am booked up, David. You should see my schedule. I'm positively bedevilled with meetings, etc.

Quote from David in Dead Guy in Room 4

David: So, someone's been busy.
Patrick: Oh yeah, yeah, I've been up since 5. Could not sleep, been thinking about... Stuff, you know, last night.
David: Regrets?
Patrick: What? No, why would I have regrets?
David: I don't know, I think it's just a habit to ask.

Quote from Moira in Rebound

[Schitt's Creek tourism video, on the street in front of Bob's Garage:]
Moira: Oh, hello, you. I'm film and television's Moira Rose. Won't you join me for a little stroll through the slice of paradise I like to call... the town where I currently am.
[in the cafe:]
Moira: Did someone say fine dining? The Café Tropical has certainly been described as "fine." Oh, hello, Twyla. I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please.
Twyla: We don't have that.
Moira: You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!
[in Rose Apothecary:]
Moira: And when it's time to escape the hustle and bustle of the downtown core, you'll find all the peace and solitude your body craves here at our local apothecary. No noisy customers or busy cash registers here, to intrude upon your inner cogitations.
Patrick: It's-it's not usually this quiet.
Moira: Oh, it's always nice and quiet here.
David: Can you stop saying that?
[outside the Rosebud Motel:]
Moira: And finally, when it's time to lay down your weary head, you'll find comfort and safety at the partially renovated Rosebud Motel. And don't forget to say hello to your handsome proprietor, Mr. Johnathon Rose.
Johnny: Thank you for having us.
Moira: John, no.
[outside Rose Apothecary:]
Moira: So why wait? Book your vacation now to this humble little oasis. If heaven had a creek, it would be this one.
[title: the end]

Quote from Alexis in Pregnancy Test

Alexis: I would like a refund, please.
Gary: Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.
Gary: Again, we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, okay. This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.
Gary: Well, that's why most students do their courses online.
Alexis: Oh. So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again?
Gary: That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ. Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.
Alexis: Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.

Quote from Moira in Girls' Night

David: Okay, I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.
Moira: David! How was I to know that Ted would be such a trigger, all these years later?
David: A year later, and she is, like, right back in it. So you might wanna pay a little more attention to your daughter's life, if only to alleviate the weight of me having to deal with it, every day.
Moira: Oh. I did call that other woman charming, didn't I?
David: Striking, I believe was the word you used to describe Ted's new girlfriend, who isn't Alexis.
Moira: Well to my credit, she was.

Quote from Moira in The Crowening

Moira: I suspect you're viewing this enterprise as a barrier rather than a gateway to the future of your career.
Blair: Yeah, you really don't have to worry about the future of my career.
Moira: Is that so? Because I did a little "Ask Jeeves-ing," and you, Sir, were recently cut loose from a high-profile blockbuster.
Blair: We had artistic differences.
Moira: You were the artist, and they were indifferent!

Quote from Moira in Milk Money

David: Well, I'm sorry, I felt very conflicted about the whole thing.
Moira: Of course you were. Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife?
David: A knife?
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.
David: Okay, well, that's a lot.
Moira: And when you pull it out of my back...
David: Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.
Moira: You can plunge it into my heart!
David: Okay, all right.
Moira: Plunge it into my heart!

Quote from Moira in Dead Guy in Room 4

Moira: You know what I'd love? A tea.
David: We don't sell tea.
Patrick: Um, you know, I was gonna go make a run to the cafe, I could get you a tea if you want.
David: No, that's not necessary.
Moira: How serendipitous. Thank you, Peter.
Patrick: It's Patrick. Anything else?
Moira: Nothing else for me, thank you. Just the scone.
Patrick: You mean the tea?
Moira: Why not. Thank you.

Quote from David in The Olive Branch

Johnny: Let's see what this says, Alexis? Elmdale College, Alexis Rose, majoring in Marketing and... [David gasps] Looks like a bit of a typo.
David: Pubic relations.
Alexis: What? Oh my god, give me that!
Johnny: No, honey, obviously it's a bit a of a misprint.
David: Is it though, do you think? [Alexis grunts]

Quote from Moira in The Barbecue

Moira: David, you can't blame us for being excited. Your father and I, we weren't involved in your past relationships, and from what I understand, it was one bungle after another. I'm not saying there's a connection.
David: There's no connection, it's just a long string of very bad luck, and I don't know what kind of carnage I inflicted in a past life, to deserve it. I must've been Dracula, or a spin instructor.
Moira: And what if we could finally tie a sailor's knot in that string of bad luck? Because after spending 5 minutes alone with sweet Pat...
David: We're not doing Pat.
Moira: He sees you. For all that you are.
David: Well, hopefully not all that I am, I mean that would be...
Moira: Oh, David, you have the opportunity to climb out of the quicksand that was your past, and stand firmly in the present. Let us celebrate that.

Quote from David in The Bachelor Party

David: But here's one thing that'll make you feel good... my bachelor party tonight.
Alexis: I'm pretty sure I told Stevie that I couldn't come, or like I started sending her an email saying that. I don't know, I just... I can't seem to do anything right now.
David: Mm-hmm. I never thought I'd have to say this, but there is only space in this family for one unstable sibling, and I have held that title for a very long time, so you are going to have to get it together.

Quote from David in The Dress

Stevie: I am a single woman driving way out of town to meet a guy I don't know very well!
David: Well...
Stevie: Once he shows up I'm sure you can still go to the botanical gardens.
David: I'm not going to the botanical gardens by myself. What, am I gonna walk around, and admire the cherry blossoms alone, like some pervert? So if you're gonna meet this guy there, then where am I staying? I don't do couches!
Stevie: I got you a separate room.
David: A separate room, okay. So this has all been premeditated, then. You know what, I hope, for your sake, that they have cherry blossoms in prison.

Quote from Moira in The Presidential Suite

Moira: Well, if that isn't team work, I don't know what is.
Johnny: Ah, I know, the room looks pretty good, huh?
Moira: No, I'm... I'm talking about the way you and I, threw them off the fragrance so that we could keep this suite to ourselves.
Johnny: No, that's not what I was doing, Moira. No, it's very important at this stage to keep the bar set very high for Roland.
Moira: John.
Johnny: Now I just told them they couldn't stay here.
Moira: Oh, be careful, John, lest you suffer vertigo from the dizzying heights of your moral ground.

Quote from Johnny in Bad Parents

Johnny: And one of the ice breakers at these retreats was a game that was always a hit. And it was a game where somebody would tell a lie about themselves, and then a truth, and then another lie, and everybody would have to guess which one was the lie.
Moira: No, Johnny, they had to guess which one was the truth.
Johnny: Mm, which one was the lie.
David: It's just- It's just one lie.
Johnny: What did I say?
Alexis: You said two lies.
Johnny: Well, it is two lies.
Alexis: No, it's-
David: No, the game is "two truths and a lie."
Johnny: It's truth. So you've heard of it. You've heard of it.
Alexis: Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties.
Johnny: Okay, whatever. It's a good game.

Quote from Moira in The Bachelor Party

Producer: Okay. Whenever you're ready, Moira. Just start at the top, and high energy.
Moira: Con brio, Si! [clears throat] "We really care... at Larry Air." I like that, it's snappy. "We really care..."
Producer: Just roll right through. Just go on to the next line, please.
Moira: "A deal so rare, it's Larry Air." "Never flown Larry Air? Try Larry Air." Oh, that's a touch uninspired. Alexis [whispers] Alexis! I'd rather not use that one.
Alexis: Okay, so I'm being told just to read through them all and then we'll figure it out after, okay? And higher energy.
Moira: Higher... [clears throat] "Get your derriere on Larry Air... " That's a bit chummy for an airline. Couldn't we maybe take a moment to rework some of these?
Producer: The client's not here. It's my job just to get you to say the words.
Moira: [sighs] "Larry Air. We'll take you from there... to here... " Now that should switched, shouldn't it? You should... Alexis, I can't work like this!

Quote from Moira in The Job Interview

Moira: Alexis! Your father and I are going to meet for a celebratory lunch when he's done at the bank, and... I was supposed to invite you to join us.
Alexis: Yeah, I'm a little busy.
Moira: What in God's name do you have there? Please tell me it's not a Testudine.
Alexis: No, it's a turtle.
Moira: Alexis! Turtles do not pets make. The poor things are riddled with a myriad of diseases. You may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.

Quote from Alexis in Moira vs. Town Council

Mutt: Okay, what would we have talked about? It's my face.
Alexis: Um, you'd have said, uh, "Wow, Alexis, I'm thinking about shaving my beard." And then I would've said, "Hmm. No, Mutt, I don't think that that's the right journey for you at this point in time."
Mutt: Well, then I would've said, "Too bad." I shave like, every six months. Okay, you try growing a beard!
Alexis: I was a beard for a very well known actor, and I get it, it's uncomfortable.

Quote from Moira in Family Dinner

Moira: Next step is to fold in the cheese.
David: What does that mean? What does "fold in the cheese" mean?
Moira: You fold it in.
David: I understand that, but how? How do you fold it? Do you fold it in half, like a piece of paper, and drop it in the pot, or, what do you do?
Moira: David, I cannot show you everything.
David: Okay, well, can you show me one thing?!
Moira: You just... Here's what you do: You just fold it in.
David: Okay, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that!
Moira: Then I don't know how to be any clearer! You take that thing that's in your hand, and you-
David: If you say "fold in" one more time-
Moira: It says, fold it in!