Moira: Alexis! Your father and I are going to meet for a celebratory lunch when he's done at the bank, and... I was supposed to invite you to join us.
Alexis: Yeah, I'm a little busy.
Moira: What in God's name do you have there? Please tell me it's not a Testudine.
Alexis: No, it's a turtle.
Moira: Alexis! Turtles do not pets make. The poor things are riddled with a myriad of diseases. You may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.

[Schitt's Creek tourism video, on the street in front of Bob's Garage:]
Moira: Oh, hello, you. I'm film and television's Moira Rose. Won't you join me for a little stroll through the slice of paradise I like to call... the town where I currently am.
[in the cafe:]
Moira: Did someone say fine dining? The Café Tropical has certainly been described as "fine." Oh, hello, Twyla. I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please.
Twyla: We don't have that.
Moira: You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!
[in Rose Apothecary:]
Moira: And when it's time to escape the hustle and bustle of the downtown core, you'll find all the peace and solitude your body craves here at our local apothecary. No noisy customers or busy cash registers here, to intrude upon your inner cogitations.
Patrick: It's-it's not usually this quiet.
Moira: Oh, it's always nice and quiet here.
David: Can you stop saying that?
[outside the Rosebud Motel:]
Moira: And finally, when it's time to lay down your weary head, you'll find comfort and safety at the partially renovated Rosebud Motel. And don't forget to say hello to your handsome proprietor, Mr. Johnathon Rose.
Johnny: Thank you for having us.
Moira: John, no.
[outside Rose Apothecary:]
Moira: So why wait? Book your vacation now to this humble little oasis. If heaven had a creek, it would be this one.
[title: the end]

David: I have been looking forward to seeing Kerry Washington in that all-female revival of "12 Angry Men."
Alexis: Okay, David, I'm gonna have to like bring down to earth for a sec. There is no way you're getting tickets for that show. But I love your enthusiasm.

David: Well, I'm sorry, I felt very conflicted about the whole thing.
Moira: Of course you were. Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife?
David: A knife?
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.
David: Okay, well, that's a lot.
Moira: And when you pull it out of my back...
David: Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.
Moira: You can plunge it into my heart!
David: Okay, all right.
Moira: Plunge it into my heart!

Moira: Well, if that isn't team work, I don't know what is.
Johnny: Ah, I know, the room looks pretty good, huh?
Moira: No, I'm... I'm talking about the way you and I, threw them off the fragrance so that we could keep this suite to ourselves.
Johnny: No, that's not what I was doing, Moira. No, it's very important at this stage to keep the bar set very high for Roland.
Moira: John.
Johnny: Now I just told them they couldn't stay here.
Moira: Oh, be careful, John, lest you suffer vertigo from the dizzying heights of your moral ground.

Alexis: I would like a refund, please.
Gary: Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.
Gary: Again, we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, okay. This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.
Gary: Well, that's why most students do their courses online.
Alexis: Oh. So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again?
Gary: That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ. Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.
Alexis: Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.

Johnny: What is that? Is that a new lamp?
David: Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.
Johnny: That's a write off?
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Do you even know what a write off is?!
David: Uh, yeah. It's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Johnny: Oh, and who pays for it?
David: Nobody, you write it off.
Johnny: Who writes it off?!
David: I don't know, the govern- The "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?

Patrick: Hey, you know what, David, since you were already planning on being there, maybe... Maybe you...
David: Absolutely not!
Patrick: Just two hours of your life.
David: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Patrick: We just need a body!
David: Then go to the morgue.
Patrick: I will cover you if any flies come your way.
David: I have a spray for that. And you know my stance on team sports.
Patrick: I do. Given today's political climate, we don't need to divide ourselves any more than we already have.
David: Correct.

Stevie: I am a single woman driving way out of town to meet a guy I don't know very well!
David: Well...
Stevie: Once he shows up I'm sure you can still go to the botanical gardens.
David: I'm not going to the botanical gardens by myself. What, am I gonna walk around, and admire the cherry blossoms alone, like some pervert? So if you're gonna meet this guy there, then where am I staying? I don't do couches!
Stevie: I got you a separate room.
David: A separate room, okay. So this has all been premeditated, then. You know what, I hope, for your sake, that they have cherry blossoms in prison.

David: She basically forced me into it! This isn't even her first baby!
Patrick: Oh, so it's more of a sprinkle, then.
David: What the hell is a sprinkle?
Patrick: No, it's like a shower, but for your second kid. It's not a full shower, it's like a sprinkle.
David: That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard.

Alexis: That was low, like David's standards.
David: Or the placement of Alexis' back tattoo.
Johnny: Alexis has a back tattoo?
Moira: Alexis, what have you done to yourself?!
David: It says "that's hot" in Cantonese. Got it in Hong Kong.
Alexis: Ugh! I was 12-years-old!

Johnny: This is terrible news. I thought you were turning that store around. All those big purchases, all that spending...
David: Okay, let's just focus on the big picture, which is helping the store.
Johnny: Well, if you wanna help the store, I would tell your boss to take the deal. And then you and I are gonna sit down, update your resume, and get you back into the workforce.
David: Okay. Well, thank you so much for this. Um, it was entirely unhelpful, but thank you nevertheless.
Johnny: Well anytime, son.

David: Okay, I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.
Moira: David! How was I to know that Ted would be such a trigger, all these years later?
David: A year later, and she is, like, right back in it. So you might wanna pay a little more attention to your daughter's life, if only to alleviate the weight of me having to deal with it, every day.
Moira: Oh. I did call that other woman charming, didn't I?
David: Striking, I believe was the word you used to describe Ted's new girlfriend, who isn't Alexis.
Moira: Well to my credit, she was.

Alexis: David!
Johnny: David!
Moira: David, I'm here!
Johnny: David, it's us!
David: I know!
Moira: David, come here, please!
David: Stop yelling, "David!" You come here!
Johnny: We've come to take you home!
David: Three days later!
Moira: Nobody knew where you were! And your phone was off!
David: I texted Alexis!
Alexis: Wha? I'm sorry for not responding to like, one text, David!

David: Okay, look, um, I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject I mean genuine human emotion. So, I am just going to tell you what I know. And you can do whatever you want with that. Okay? I know that your name has come up in conversation every single day, for the past 6 months. Um, I know that she's different now I mean, not that different, obviously, but, um, different enough to know that she made a mistake with you. Or was it two mistakes? Or more..?
Ted: No, it was just the two.
David: Yeah. Anyway, so you've been burned, a couple times. Um, have we met? I've been burned so many times, I'm basically the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow. Um, but I think it's important for us to remember that sometimes, sometimes it does work out. And, um, even though everything inside us is telling us to protect ourselves, when you've got it, don't let it go. Um, [clears throat], and I am telling you, that you have got it, if you want it.

Moira: [screams]
Johnny: Moira, what's going on in there?
Moira: Oh! It's my hands, John. It's the water. It's freezing cold.
Johnny: Well, then move your hands.
Moira: How will I know if it's getting warmer if I'm not touching it?
Johnny: Well, Moira, you've got the cold tap on. You've gotta balance it with the hot.
Moira: [shuts water off] Oh. Well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John, and it's not like there's a his sink for when the hers is inoperable.
Johnny: Okay, Moira.
Moira: Excuse me while I try to pass through. Oh, John, these door frames. It's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle.
Johnny: I think, uh, the point's been made, Moira.

Moira: Good night, children.
Johnny: Good night!
David: Good night.
Alexis: Good night.
Moira: Let's all pray we don't wake up.

Moira: Oh, I could so effortlessly conjure up the perfect words to bedazzle your spirits. That's one of my gifts. But no. No, you need to be exactly where you are.
Stevie: Okay, are you talking about me, or Sally?
Moira: Why, Sally, of course. You, I'm not worried about. What the hell is your secret, Stevie? You just stand your solid ground, refusing to be anything but you. Hmm. Never thought I'd say this about anyone in this town, but you you're very, very cool. And whether you set sail, or stay put, that's not going to change. Now, why don't we take our Sally by the hand, and we go out there, and show those people everything she can be. If she were only more like you.

Ivan: Oh. This is where I bake. I have three ovens. Is tradition in my family. We make vatritza, burek, gibantsa and now I making uh, Danish, eclair, American-style toaster popping tart.
Johnny: Wow, that sounds great, Ivan, but I was thinking cinnamon buns. You know, the smell of cinnamon in the motel lobby, mmm!
Ivan: Mr. Rose, for you, I can make anything.
Johnny: Great.
Ivan: Blueberry bun, butter tart, blueberry butter tart with raisin, blueberry butter tart with chips of chocolate...
Johnny: Well, let's just stick with cinnamon buns for now, and if this works, we'll take it from there.

Alexis: You know who's not sweet? Old Shan out there.
Ted: Okay, first of all Alexis, she's not old, we went to vet school together. And she's actually been really helpful this week.
Alexis: To you. I'm just gonna say it, Ted. Most people are a fan. So when someone's not, it's usually on them.