Trending ‘Schitt's Creek’ Quotes

Quote from David in Honeymoon

Stevie: So, just to be clear, um, I'm a red wine drinker.
David: That's fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
David: Okay.
Stevie: And up until last night I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
Stevie: Oh.
David: And I've been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a merlot, that used to be a chardonnay.
Stevie: Uh, okay.
David: Which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine, and not the label. Does that make sense?


Quote from Alexis in Pregnancy Test

Alexis: I would like a refund, please.
Gary: Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.
Gary: Again, we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, okay. This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.
Gary: Well, that's why most students do their courses online.
Alexis: Oh. So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again?
Gary: That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ. Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.
Alexis: Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.

Quote from Alexis in Driving Test

David: Okay, I'm gonna need you to step out of the car for 20 minutes, so that I can do my transcendental meditation before I fail this test.
Alexis: Okay, you are acting all sorts of crazy right now. This honestly does not matter. Nobody cares.
David: Uh, people care. I care, the driving examiner person cares.
Alexis: No, he doesn't. Trust me, people aren't thinking about you the way that you're thinking about you.
David: What does that mean?
Alexis: You always over think everything, and that's why you fail all the time.

Quote from Moira in The Job Interview

Moira: Alexis! Your father and I are going to meet for a celebratory lunch when he's done at the bank, and... I was supposed to invite you to join us.
Alexis: Yeah, I'm a little busy.
Moira: What in God's name do you have there? Please tell me it's not a Testudine.
Alexis: No, it's a turtle.
Moira: Alexis! Turtles do not pets make. The poor things are riddled with a myriad of diseases. You may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.

Quote from Moira in Rebound

[Schitt's Creek tourism video, on the street in front of Bob's Garage:]
Moira: Oh, hello, you. I'm film and television's Moira Rose. Won't you join me for a little stroll through the slice of paradise I like to call... the town where I currently am.
[in the cafe:]
Moira: Did someone say fine dining? The Café Tropical has certainly been described as "fine." Oh, hello, Twyla. I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please.
Twyla: We don't have that.
Moira: You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!
[in Rose Apothecary:]
Moira: And when it's time to escape the hustle and bustle of the downtown core, you'll find all the peace and solitude your body craves here at our local apothecary. No noisy customers or busy cash registers here, to intrude upon your inner cogitations.
Patrick: It's-it's not usually this quiet.
Moira: Oh, it's always nice and quiet here.
David: Can you stop saying that?
[outside the Rosebud Motel:]
Moira: And finally, when it's time to lay down your weary head, you'll find comfort and safety at the partially renovated Rosebud Motel. And don't forget to say hello to your handsome proprietor, Mr. Johnathon Rose.
Johnny: Thank you for having us.
Moira: John, no.
[outside Rose Apothecary:]
Moira: So why wait? Book your vacation now to this humble little oasis. If heaven had a creek, it would be this one.
[title: the end]

Quote from Moira in Girls' Night

David: Okay, I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.
Moira: David! How was I to know that Ted would be such a trigger, all these years later?
David: A year later, and she is, like, right back in it. So you might wanna pay a little more attention to your daughter's life, if only to alleviate the weight of me having to deal with it, every day.
Moira: Oh. I did call that other woman charming, didn't I?
David: Striking, I believe was the word you used to describe Ted's new girlfriend, who isn't Alexis.
Moira: Well to my credit, she was.

Quote from Moira in Wine and Roses

Herb Ertlinger: Now, it's fruit wine, which is exciting in itself. But the thing we're most proud of is that our fruit is 100% insecticide free.
Johnny: Ah!
Moira: Mm! [drinking] Mm! Mm. There's something in mine.
Herb Ertlinger: Oh, that's a ladybug. That's one of the good ones. Excuse me. [answering phone] Herb Ertlinger...
Moira: No, this tastes like something one should not put in their mouth.

Quote from David in Singles Week

David: Okay, look, um, I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject I mean genuine human emotion. So, I am just going to tell you what I know. And you can do whatever you want with that. Okay? I know that your name has come up in conversation every single day, for the past 6 months. Um, I know that she's different now I mean, not that different, obviously, but, um, different enough to know that she made a mistake with you. Or was it two mistakes? Or more..?
Ted: No, it was just the two.
David: Yeah. Anyway, so you've been burned, a couple times. Um, have we met? I've been burned so many times, I'm basically the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow. Um, but I think it's important for us to remember that sometimes, sometimes it does work out. And, um, even though everything inside us is telling us to protect ourselves, when you've got it, don't let it go. Um, [clears throat], and I am telling you, that you have got it, if you want it.

Quote from Alexis in RIP Moira Roise

Alexis: Thank you so much for taking me out, David. I really needed it. Especially after everything that's going on with Mom.
David: Okay, is that the reason, or is it because I'm on a buying trip, and that means you get free samples?
Alexis: We make a very good team, David. You do the talking, and I sample the merchandise. And speaking of, we might have to circle back and get more of these peanut butter things from those old farm witches.
David: They were Mennonites, and I would put the peanut butter square down, we're about to spend the afternoon sampling a lot of cheese.
Alexis: Hmm. Nom nom for us, David.
David: Never say nom nom again.

Quote from Moira in Moira's Nudes

Johnny: You know, all things considered Moira I'd say we have a couple of pretty great kids.
Moira: Mmm-hmm. They say it's through our children that we stay young. But I haven't seen much effort on their part.

Quote from Moira in Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose

Moira: Let's go. I've had enough waking hours for one day.

Quote from Moira in Milk Money

David: Well, I'm sorry, I felt very conflicted about the whole thing.
Moira: Of course you were. Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife?
David: A knife?
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.
David: Okay, well, that's a lot.
Moira: And when you pull it out of my back...
David: Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.
Moira: You can plunge it into my heart!
David: Okay, all right.
Moira: Plunge it into my heart!

Quote from Patrick in Stop Saying Lice!

David: Okay, so if you wouldn't mind sorting these body milks by size, that would be great.
Stevie: Can you drink these?
David: Um, it's liquid moisturizer, for your body, so no, you can't drink them.
Patrick: [enters] Did you ask if you can drink it, too?
David: Okay, it says body milk on the label!
Patrick: You know, I told David that the label was gonna be misleading, but he insisted. What was it you said? "Anyone with a fibre of common sense would know that it's not actually milk."
David: What do we think body milk is, if not milk for your body?!

Quote from Alexis in Don't Worry, It's His Sister

Alexis: Um, hey! So, why do they give you table scraps? Are you, like, a poor person, or?
Mutt: Uh, no, but thanks for asking. No, I use it to compost. You know, that way nothing gets thrown out. Composting?
Alexis: Yeah, no, I I know composting. Um, Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.

Quote from Moira in Start Spreading The News

Moira: [answers phone] Tippy. Yes, I just received it. Please, tell me this is not some barbarous jape. Yes. Yes. My answer is a yes! A clangorous, vociferous yes. Thank you. Thank you.
Johnny: What's all that about?
Moira: Sunrise Bay. Wow. When forced to choose between Clifton and myself, they decided mine was the bigger name.

Quote from David in The Throuple

Stevie: I just wanna make sure that we're still fine, you know, down the line. Because what if things get complicated?
David: What would make things complicated?
Stevie: Nothing! But the last thing we want is a situation where one person is breaking up with another person, and that person is hurt, because things have gotten complicated!
David: Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here. And while I not-so-secretly love Avril, and have paid very close attention to her battle with Lyme disease... Um, I don't know why we're...

Quote from Moira in The Drip

Moira: I shall bathe. And if I bang my head and slip beneath the surface, so be it, Mr. Rose.

Quote from David in Grad Night

Moira: We all have to go, David, unless you have some special excuse.
David: It's my birthday.
Johnny: Yeah. Well, we, we didn't forget.
Moira: No, we've been talking about it for weeks.
David: You've been talking about it for weeks?
Johnny: Well, we'll just have to have a birthday and graduation celebration all in one.
David: Yeah. I'm very uninterested in that option.

Quote from Moira in The Olive Branch

Alexis: Excuse me, this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm single. The singles market is very lucrative. Did you know, that there's a small town in Ireland that hosts a singles week every year, and it's become so popular, that they're able to subsidize their entirely yearly budget, just on profits?
Moira: It's a valiant first effort, Alexis, it is. But darling, do keep those wheels turning! As the Irish like to say, [Irish accent] it's a cinch to mash the Murphy where there's love.

Quote from David in The Hike

Patrick: We're going on a hike, David. What, you always say you wanna do more physical activity, right?
David: Yes, so that you can tell me I don't need to! I thought we were going on a picnic.
Patrick: We are. We just have to hike to get there.
David: Yeah, I was picturing us like, on a charming park bench in the middle of a private English garden.
Patrick: David, you have to stop watching "Notting Hill". It's not helpful for our relationship.
David: Okay. Speak for yourself.