Trending ‘Schitt's Creek’ Quotes

Quote from David in Honeymoon

Stevie: So, just to be clear, um, I'm a red wine drinker.
David: That's fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
David: Okay.
Stevie: And up until last night I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
Stevie: Oh.
David: And I've been known to sample the occasional Rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot, that used to be a Chardonnay.
Stevie: Uh, okay.
David: Which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine, and not the label. Does that make sense?

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Quote from Alexis in Driving Test

David: Okay, I'm gonna need you to step out of the car for 20 minutes, so that I can do my transcendental meditation before I fail this test.
Alexis: Okay, you are acting all sorts of crazy right now. This honestly does not matter. Nobody cares.
David: Uh, people care. I care, the driving examiner person cares.
Alexis: No, he doesn't. Trust me, people aren't thinking about you the way that you're thinking about you.
David: What does that mean?
Alexis: You always over think everything, and that's why you fail all the time.

Quote from Moira in Milk Money

David: Well, I'm sorry, I felt very conflicted about the whole thing.
Moira: Of course you were. Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife?
David: A knife?
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.
David: Okay, well, that's a lot.
Moira: And when you pull it out of my back...
David: Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.
Moira: You can plunge it into my heart!
David: Okay, all right.
Moira: Plunge it into my heart!

Quote from Alexis in Pregnancy Test

Alexis: I would like a refund, please.
Gary: Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.
Gary: Again, we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, okay. This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.
Gary: Well, that's why most students do their courses online.
Alexis: Oh. So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again?
Gary: That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ. Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.
Alexis: Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.

Quote from Moira in Our Cup Runneth Over

Moira: Please, someone just give me a key, to a door, to a room, any room! I just want a bathtub, and a long extension cord, please.

Quote from Moira in The Olive Branch

Alexis: Excuse me, this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm single. The singles market is very lucrative. Did you know, that there's a small town in Ireland that hosts a singles week every year, and it's become so popular, that they're able to subsidize their entirely yearly budget, just on profits?
Moira: It's a valiant first effort, Alexis, it is. But darling, do keep those wheels turning! As the Irish like to say, [Irish accent] it's a cinch to mash the Murphy where there's love.

Quote from Moira in The Job Interview

Moira: Alexis! Your father and I are going to meet for a celebratory lunch when he's done at the bank, and... I was supposed to invite you to join us.
Alexis: Yeah, I'm a little busy.
Moira: What in God's name do you have there? Please tell me it's not a Testudine.
Alexis: No, it's a turtle.
Moira: Alexis! Turtles do not pets make. The poor things are riddled with a myriad of diseases. You may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.

Quote from Alexis in The Cabin

Alexis: David, I just- I miss my life! And I miss doing things. And I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I'm funny, and smart, and charming. Will you? Just a few people. Please. You can't tell me that you don't wanna hang out with people other than me.
David: Obviously.

Quote from David in Singles Week

David: Okay, look, um, I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject I mean genuine human emotion. So, I am just going to tell you what I know. And you can do whatever you want with that. Okay? I know that your name has come up in conversation every single day, for the past 6 months. Um, I know that she's different now I mean, not that different, obviously, but, um, different enough to know that she made a mistake with you. Or was it two mistakes? Or more..?
Ted: No, it was just the two.
David: Yeah. Anyway, so you've been burned, a couple times. Um, have we met? I've been burned so many times, I'm basically the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow. Um, but I think it's important for us to remember that sometimes, sometimes it does work out. And, um, even though everything inside us is telling us to protect ourselves, when you've got it, don't let it go. Um, [clears throat], and I am telling you, that you have got it, if you want it.

Quote from Roland in Honeymoon

Roland: Hey, who turned off Don Ho?

Quote from Johnny in Don't Worry, It's His Sister

Johnny: Come in! Ah, David Rose. You're applying for the bag boy position.
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Tell me David, why do you want this job?
David: I don't want this job.
Johnny: Well, thank you very much, and don't expect a phone call! All right, do it right! Or let's not do it. Now, we're gonna start again.
David: Okay.
Johnny: Tell me, David, why do you want this job?
David: I ran out of eye cream.
Johnny: Okay, you're not gonna get this job. You're not gonna get this job! You know why? Your attitude sucks! And look at how you're dressed! What is this?! Colostomy bag pants! I'm the manager of a family run grocery store. I'm not gonna hire you! You're not gonna get the job, you're the last person...

Quote from Moira in Moira's Nudes

Johnny: You know, all things considered Moira I'd say we have a couple of pretty great kids.
Moira: Mmm-hmm. They say it's through our children that we stay young. But I haven't seen much effort on their part.

Quote from David in The Jazzaguy

David: Um, Alexis, do you mind telling your phone to fuck off?

Quote from Moira in Start Spreading The News

Moira: [answers phone] Tippy. Yes, I just received it. Please, tell me this is not some barbarous jape. Yes. Yes. My answer is a yes! A clangorous, vociferous yes. Thank you. Thank you.
Johnny: What's all that about?
Moira: Sunrise Bay. Wow. When forced to choose between Clifton and myself, they decided mine was the bigger name.

Quote from David in Carl's Funeral

David: You know where I got my hat, brah?
Stevie: Where?
David: "Assholes' R 'Us". [both laugh]

Quote from Moira in Honeymoon

Moira: We understand you have found some local friends with whom to spend "time" with.
David: Oh, my God!
Alexis: Okay, I can't deal with this right now-
Moira: And that's fine.
Johnny: But we do have to be careful with our hearts and our parts.
Moira: Because a podunk baby out of wedlock is not something your father and I can afford to negotiate at this moment.
David: Well, that's crazy, because all I want to negotiate right now is some podunk baby out of wedlock!

Quote from Moira in Rebound

Moira: Stevie! Either a flock of poultry has delivered its ova mid-flight upon our car, or I've become the victim of a vandalization!
Stevie: Oh wow. Um... you sure it's for you, Mrs. Rose? Because that's a family car, and I can think of a handful of people who'd wanna egg David.
Moira: You're sweet, dear, but I know of what I speak. Stevie, you are blessed with anonymity, and thus will never have to know the crippling fear that accompanies global repute.
Stevie: Yeah, I can't imagine.
Moira: After my first centerfold with Soap Opera Digest, a deranged fan deposited locks of hair into my glove compartment. And now my return to prominence has painted another giant bulls-eye on my thorax!
Stevie: Um, I could give you this bucket of soap.
Moira: No! You never tamper with a crime scene. I'll have to go to council. Get in please, Stevie. As of now, you are my star witness. And sit low, no point endangering both our lives.
Stevie: Fine.

Quote from Moira in The Drip

Moira: I shall bathe. And if I bang my head and slip beneath the surface, so be it, Mr. Rose.

Quote from Moira in Dead Guy in Room 4

Moira: You know what I'd love? A tea.
David: We don't sell tea.
Patrick: Um, you know, I was gonna go make a run to the cafe, I could get you a tea if you want.
David: No, that's not necessary.
Moira: How serendipitous. Thank you, Peter.
Patrick: It's Patrick. Anything else?
Moira: Nothing else for me, thank you. Just the scone.
Patrick: You mean the tea?
Moira: Why not. Thank you.

Quote from Moira in The Bachelor Party

Producer: Okay. Whenever you're ready, Moira. Just start at the top, and high energy.
Moira: Con brio, Si! [clears throat] "We really care... at Larry Air." I like that, it's snappy. "We really care..."
Producer: Just roll right through. Just go on to the next line, please.
Moira: "A deal so rare, it's Larry Air." "Never flown Larry Air? Try Larry Air." Oh, that's a touch uninspired. Alexis [whispers] Alexis! I'd rather not use that one.
Alexis: Okay, so I'm being told just to read through them all and then we'll figure it out after, okay? And higher energy.
Moira: Higher... [clears throat] "Get your derriere on Larry Air... " That's a bit chummy for an airline. Couldn't we maybe take a moment to rework some of these?
Producer: The client's not here. It's my job just to get you to say the words.
Moira: [sighs] "Larry Air. We'll take you from there... to here... " Now that should switched, shouldn't it? You should... Alexis, I can't work like this!