Trending ‘Schitt's Creek’ Quotes
Stevie: So, just to be clear, um, I'm a red wine drinker.
David: That's fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. But, uh, I only drink red wine.
Stevie: And up until last night I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.
David: And I've been known to sample the occasional Rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot, that used to be a Chardonnay.
Stevie: Uh, okay.
David: Which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine, and not the label. Does that make sense?
Alexis: Okay. I'm gonna offer you both a PR and marketing strategy, pro bono. And if you're into it, we'll pull the trigger, we'll work on my contract and my salary, and then we'll get things going from there.
Johnny: Well, now's not the time to take our foot off the gas, Stevie, and if we have a publicist at our disposal.
Stevie: Would we call her a publicist?
Alexis: Um, I actually prefer to be called a freelance brand invigorator.
Alexis: And I also have a super easy multi-step plan in place for the motel.
Alexis: Excuse me, this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm single. The singles market is very lucrative. Did you know, that there's a small town in Ireland that hosts a singles week every year, and it's become so popular, that they're able to subsidize their entirely yearly budget, just on profits?
Moira: It's a valiant first effort, Alexis, it is. But darling, do keep those wheels turning! As the Irish like to say, [Irish accent] it's a cinch to mash the Murphy where there's love.
Moira: Alexis! Your father and I are going to meet for a celebratory lunch when he's done at the bank, and... I was supposed to invite you to join us.
Alexis: Yeah, I'm a little busy.
Moira: What in God's name do you have there? Please tell me it's not a Testudine.
Alexis: No, it's a turtle.
Moira: Alexis! Turtles do not pets make. The poor things are riddled with a myriad of diseases. You may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.
Herb Ertlinger: Now, it's fruit wine, which is exciting in itself. But the thing we're most proud of is that our fruit is 100% insecticide free.
Moira: Mm! [drinking] Mm! Mm. There's something in mine.
Herb Ertlinger: Oh, that's a ladybug. That's one of the good ones. Excuse me. [answering phone] Herb Ertlinger...
Moira: No, this tastes like something one should not put in their mouth.
Alexis: Thank you so much for taking me out, David. I really needed it. Especially after everything that's going on with Mom.
David: Okay, is that the reason, or is it because I'm on a buying trip, and that means you get free samples?
Alexis: We make a very good team, David. You do the talking, and I sample the merchandise. And speaking of, we might have to circle back and get more of these peanut butter things from those old farm witches.
David: They were Mennonites, and I would put the peanut butter square down, we're about to spend the afternoon sampling a lot of cheese.
Alexis: Hmm. Nom nom for us, David.
David: Never say nom nom again.
Moira: Well, look at the two of you. Oh you remind me of my days at the old Mudd Club on the Lower East Side. I remember one regrettably early morning with Johnny Thunders.
Alexis: Okay, can we help you with something?
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry, can't a mother show a little interest in her only daughter's social calendar?
David: Well, I'm sorry, I felt very conflicted about the whole thing.
Moira: Of course you were. Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife?
David: A knife?
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.
David: Okay, well, that's a lot.
Moira: And when you pull it out of my back...
David: Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.
Moira: You can plunge it into my heart!
David: Okay, all right.
Moira: Plunge it into my heart!
Alexis: Okay, well I just wanted to say hey, and I'm here, and I got your text.
Ted: What text?
Alexis: The text.
Ted: Did I send a text?
Alexis: Maybe no? Maybe you didn't. Did you? I'm not sure.
Ted: What, uh, what'd it say?
Alexis: Nothing. I don't think it said anything, now that I think about it. Um, no, something about you being more of a bagel guy.
Ted: Oh, my God, did I send that to you?
Alexis: No, I don't think so.
Ted: Oh my gosh, I did.
Alexis: Did you, though?
Ted: I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to be sent to you.
Alexis: Hello dummy, why do you think I'm here? I'm here to tell you to be careful because with those texts, those texts in the wrong hands...
Ted: Yeah, it was actually meant for Heather.
Alexis: Heather, yes. Yes. You and Heath and the bagels.
Alexis: I would like a refund, please.
Gary: Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.
Gary: Again, we don't give refunds.
Alexis: Okay, okay. This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.
Gary: Well, that's why most students do their courses online.
Alexis: Oh. So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again?
Gary: That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ. Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.
Alexis: Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.
Johnny: Come in! Ah, David Rose. You're applying for the bag boy position.
Johnny: Tell me David, why do you want this job?
David: I don't want this job.
Johnny: Well, thank you very much, and don't expect a phone call! All right, do it right! Or let's not do it. Now, we're gonna start again.
Johnny: Tell me, David, why do you want this job?
David: I ran out of eye cream.
Johnny: Okay, you're not gonna get this job. You're not gonna get this job! You know why? Your attitude sucks! And look at how you're dressed! What is this?! Colostomy bag pants! I'm the manager of a family run grocery store. I'm not gonna hire you! You're not gonna get the job, you're the last person...
Moira: What did David want?
Johnny: As owner of the town, he wants half.
Moira: Everyone's so greedy.
Ronnie: Who wants a silver tree? The only people who buy silver trees are serial killers, and single men over 40, and my cousin, who is a single man over 40.
David: Okay, I'm gonna need you to step out of the car for 20 minutes, so that I can do my transcendental meditation before I fail this test.
Alexis: Okay, you are acting all sorts of crazy right now. This honestly does not matter. Nobody cares.
David: Uh, people care. I care, the driving examiner person cares.
Alexis: No, he doesn't. Trust me, people aren't thinking about you the way that you're thinking about you.
David: What does that mean?
Alexis: You always over think everything, and that's why you fail all the time.
David: You know, sometimes at night, I see things.
Alexis: Oh, my God, David!
David: Yeah, yeah. Like dark things. Like sometimes there's this old woman that paces back and forth by your bed, waving her hands over your face. I don't think her bony fingers ever touch your mouth, though.
Alexis: [gasps] Mom?
David: Do you ever wake up with chapped lips?
David: [whispers] Dad's dead.
Alexis: Ohh, you're such a dick, David!
David: Have you seen Dad's coasters?
Alexis: "Follow us on tweeters!" Tweeters!
Moira: We're going to get lots of disciples, dear.
Moira: Exactly, David. You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui!
David: Okay, that's a bit much.
Moira: I blame myself. I've set a standard of activity and engagement so high you don't even try.
David: Okay, I am on a much needed respite whilst in between jobs.
Moira: You are squandering your social capital. A taste-maker like you should be out there, tasting things!
David: Uh, I'm at the buffet, and there is nothing to taste!
Alexis: David, I just- I miss my life! And I miss doing things. And I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I'm funny, and smart, and charming. Will you? Just a few people. Please. You can't tell me that you don't wanna hang out with people other than me.
Johnny: Ah. I thought we could open presents tonight.
Moira: Oh, don't worry, I already gave them their checks.
Johnny: Quite something, isn't it?
Johnny: All this?
Johnny: Moira, come stand here with me for a minute.
Moira: John, you know I would, but I've already taken my Christmas pills, and bitter experience has taught me I have just 8 minutes to make it safely up the stairs.