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32Quotes from ‘Town for Sale’

Schitt's Creek: Town for Sale

113. Town for Sale

Aired March 31, 2015

Johnny is excited to have finally found a buyer for Schitt's Creek. While Alexis is ready to get back to her old lifestyle, David isn't keen on returning to New York after his friends abandoned him.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's a great coat. At least let us see it on you.
Jocelyn: I gave it away. I'm sorry. It just it didn't suit me. And I thought about Ronnie and, you know, she could always use some more feminine pieces in her wardrobe, and so I took it over to her and she really liked it, so I paid it forward.
Moira: Well, Jocelyn, there are certain things that are just not done: Smoking in a car with a baby, unless you crack a window; tipping before tax; mixing drinks with cola; and giving away a coat that doesn't belong to you.

Quote from Moira

Moira: David? Should I take this with me?
David: If I'm being perfectly honest, it's very low on the totem pole of coats of yours that I like, but-
Moira: It was a gift from your father.
Johnny: Hey, that's a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kiminski auction.
Moira: I did get sick of having hot coffee and blood thrown at me. You know who covets this coat? Jocelyn. I could bestow it upon her as a parting gift.
Johnny: We may want to put pen to paper before we start giving away designer clothing, sweetheart.
Moira: It would be her first piece of clothing made outside of mainland China. I'm gonna do it.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: People do come out of comas.
Moira: Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Honestly, I cannot wait to get to the beach.
David: What?
Alexis: Yeah, I'm going to St. Barts with Jenna, Leisha, and some other girl with an "ah" name that I can't quite remember.

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: So you did good work, princess.
Alexis: Thank you.
Ronnie: Yeah. Perfect attendance, nothing but glowing reviews. And you must have done a some number on Mutt.
Alexis: What do you mean?
Ronnie: His hours were up a month ago, he kept coming anyway.
Alexis: What?
Ronnie: Yeah, maybe he just got bored. Or maybe he just likes pretty girls in hippy hats. Know what I mean, string bean?

Quote from Alexis

David: I just have a different kind of relationship with my friends where we don't need to be in constant contact with each other.
Alexis: Okay.
David: You should, um, come to New York after you're done.
Alexis: And do what, eat a cronut at a Brooklyn flea market?

Quote from Moira

Moira: So I guess you heard the news.
Jocelyn: I heard there was someone interested in buying-
Moira: Yes, we're leaving.
Jocelyn: I didn't know it was finalized.
Moira: And since we're leaving- Dear God it feels good to be saying that! I would like to give you this as a little keepsake to remember me by.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Wow. Is-is it a wig?
Moira: No. It's a coat. It's the coat.
Jocelyn: What coat?
Moira: The coat you kept going on about that one time.
Jocelyn: Are you sure it was me?
Moira: Oh, it's absolutely tragic, Jocelyn, that I will never see or speak to you ever again. But I will have my memories and you will have this incredible coat. Goodbye, dear friend.
Jocelyn: Goodbye, Moira Rose.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Well, me and my family are leaving.
Ted: Oh. Oh, okay. Well, in that case then, um, here, there's something that I need to show you.
Alexis: Okay.
Ted: Uh, originally, we were gonna be on an all-inclusive vacation when I did this-
Alexis: What's an all-inclusive vacation?
Ted: Alexis Claire Rose, will you marry me?
Alexis: Uh, uh... Yes! If I was staying, then yes! A thousand times, yes! And if things were different and I wasn't leaving, um, then definitely yes!
Ted: So is that a no?
Alexis: Yes.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Oh, hey, Mr. Rose. I heard you guys were leaving.
Johnny: Yes, yes, we are, and I just wanted to thank you for all the great service over the past few months.
Twyla: You're welcome. Yeah, judging by your tips, I was never really sure.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Johnny, I gotta talk to you. Listen, uh, I don't wanna piss in your punch bowl, okay, but, um, I got a bad feeling about this buyer guy of yours.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Very successful. His family made a fortune in the shelving business.
Roland: Okay, fine. Um, he called me while he was bumping uglies with this old lady.
Johnny: Oh no, really?
Roland: But that's not the problem. The problem is he put me on the speaker phone. I mean, who would do such a thing? I mean, that's something you would do.
Johnny: No, no,
Roland: As soon as he put me on his speakerphone I thought of you.
Johnny: That's not something...

Quote from Mutt

Mutt: So you're leaving. What'd Ted say about that?
Alexis: Uh... He proposed.
Mutt: Really? So what'd you tell him?
Alexis: I told him I was leaving.
Mutt: But if you weren't, you would?
Alexis: 'kay, is this a Barbara Walter special or something? I'm leaving. That's it. You don't seem to be crying about it.
Mutt: I think it's nice you're going back to your natural habitat.
Alexis: I'm not a dolphin, Mutt.

Quote from Ronnie

Alexis: Well, excuse you in that coat.
Ronnie: I know, Jocelyn gave it to me.
Alexis: What? Knock-off's are getting so good these days.
Ronnie: Thanks. I can't wait till winter. I'm gonna feel like Patty LaBelle.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: The deal fell through, honey.
Alexis: So when are we leaving?
Moira: We're not leaving, Alexis. We didn't sell.
Alexis: We're not leaving? Oh.
Moira: Are you going to be all right?
Alexis: I'm pretty sure I'm engaged, and I'm pretty sure I just cheated on my fiance.
Johnny: She'll be okay. Where's your brother?
Alexis: Who?
Johnny: David!

Quote from David

Johnny: Told you I'd sell this town. Didn't I tell you?
David: Yes. Not to diminish your accomplishment, but you did say that a handful of times. I think eight, to be exact.
Johnny: It bears repeating.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: What are you doing?
David: Well, I'm gonna go to New York and, um, see some people.
Alexis: Oh, what people?
David: You don't know them. Just people.
Alexis: I thought everyone just kind of dropped you like flies when you couldn't pick up the tab at the Waverly anymore?

Quote from Alexis

David: Well, I was thinking maybe we could get a A two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan and not have to live in Brooklyn.
Alexis: Honestly, David, and like no offense, but when I get out of here, I'm gonna get my own place so I can pack how I wanna pack and I don't have to be called a circus freak all the time.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Ding-dong.
Jocelyn: Moira, hey!
Moira: Hi, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: Gosh, you look so glamorous today.
Moira: Oh, thank you. Some days it just works.

Quote from David

Stevie: Are you stealing Roland's truck?
David: Yeah. It's not exactly a Tesla, but it'll get our bags to the airport.

Quote from David

David: What if you came with me to New York?
Stevie: [laughs] What?
David: Yeah.
Stevie: Are you ser- Really?
David: Mm-hmm.
Stevie: New York?!
David: Yeah.
Stevie: I don't even know what I would do there.
David: Oh, you just watch a season of "Girls" and do the opposite of what they do. It's easy.

Quote from David

Stevie: You have this like whole life there, with all these fancy friends. Who, in my head, at least all dress like you, and I feel like I'd get lost in the mix.
David: Mm-hmm. Well, all of my friends will probably be away for the summer and I have found a really beautiful two-bedroom in the East Village. It's beautiful, so...
Stevie: Oh, two bedroom.
David: Yeah. I mean, I was looking at three bedrooms, but do I really need an office? I don't- I don't know.
Stevie: Yeah, right.
David: You're coming! You're coming to New York! Pack a bag. Pack two bags. How many bags do you have? I'm saving you from this dumpy town. See you soon.

Quote from Roland

Andy Roberts: Excuse me, honey, do you know where I can find Johnny Rose? I got a meeting with this freakin' douche.
Roland: The douchebag is right here.

Quote from David

David: Well, thank you for being honest and um I wish I could fix this situation. Um, you've been a great friend.
You've been my o-only friend, so great, nevertheless. Um, you've made my life here survivable.
Stevie: Survivable. Thank-thank you. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Slow down there, pal! We got dinner coming and a big desert after-
Andy Roberts: Oh.
Roland: Sex in a pan.
Andy Roberts: Oh?
Roland: Then we'll have dessert!
Andy Roberts: I love it! This guy's a prince.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: So did you try it on?
Jocelyn: What?
Moira: The coat. The one I gave you.
Jocelyn: Yes. It's- It's great.
Moira: Not too snug?
Jocelyn: Nope. Buttoned right up.
Moira: It zips.
Jocelyn: Zips. It zipped right up.

Quote from Johnny

David: Okay, well, you gave me this town as a gift, so I feel like I'm owed a little bit more. So fifty percent for me, fifty percent for you.
Johnny: David, I'm in the middle of something important.
David: Well, if I'm gonna be going to New York, by myself, then I'm gonna need a little bit more money.
Johnny: Well, that's not gonna happen.
David: Well, it has to happen.
Johnny: It's not gonna happen.
David: Well, it has to-
Johnny: Talk to the hand, son, because I've got to watch a pig eat.

Quote from Moira

Moira: What did David want?
Johnny: As owner of the town, he wants half.
Moira: Everyone's so greedy.

Quote from Roland

Roland: You know what? I think I should let you guys do the nasty. And then sign the contract!

Quote from Moira

Andy Roberts: $975,000 dollars! Wow. That's a heck of a lot of cheddar! Don't you think so, sweet cheeks?
Moira: Sweet cheeks? Aren't you the old fashioned charmer.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: You know, Andy, $975,000 suddenly seems like such a girly number.
Johnny: What are we doing, honey?
Moira: I mean, a million, that's bold, that's sexy.
Andy Roberts: That's quite the little lady you have there.
Johnny: You know, I think the little lady's right. What's an extra $25,000, Andy? Come on, it's chump change. It's cab fare. $25,000? For you? Come on. You can cough it up.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: What's happening? What? Oh, my God! Andy! Andy! We had him, we had him. We had-
Moira: Okay, put the pen in his hand. Sign! He was going to sign.
Johnny: Here we go, here we go.
Moira: He was going to sign! You, sign!
Johnny: Andy?
Moira: He wanted to sign, John.
Johnny: Here we go.
Moira: He wants the town.
Johnny: That's it, that's it. Just on the line.


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