Best ‘Schitt's Creek’ Quotes Page 24 of 25
Quote from Moira in The Crowening
Blair: There's a problem with the script?
Moira: Well, just a few character adjustments.
Blair: [laughs] I'm kidding. The script's a total dumpster fire, of course.
Moira: Hah! If the script were garbage, I don't believe we'd have signed on.
Blair: It's an apocalyptic fantasy about mutant crows. I think we all know what we're making here.
Moira: A timely allegory about prejudice.
Quote from Alexis in Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose
Alexis: What have we here?
Ted: Ah, it's just a bit of a tradition at Christmas parties that I have with my friends. See, we do a cookie competition, and then the winner gets to take home all of the leftovers to their families on Christmas Day.
Alexis: So cute. I basically did exactly the same thing with my friends once. But instead of cookies, it was whatever we could find in our parents' medicine cabinets, and instead of a Christmas party, it was an old boot factory in Krakow.
Quote from David in Singles Week
Patrick: How'd it go with Ted?
David: [kisses Patrick] I love you. [holding back tears]
Patrick: I know I'll never be able to compete with Mariah.
David: Mm.
Patrick: It just kind of feels like one of those perfect moments that you dream about. Except in my dream, I'm holding a nice cup of tea.
David: Oh, fuck.
Patrick: I'm kidding. I don't need the tea.
David: No, I am making this perfect moment, perfect.
Quote from David in Singles Week
David: Okay, look, um, I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject I mean genuine human emotion. So, I am just going to tell you what I know. And you can do whatever you want with that. Okay? I know that your name has come up in conversation every single day, for the past 6 months. Um, I know that she's different now I mean, not that different, obviously, but, um, different enough to know that she made a mistake with you. Or was it two mistakes? Or more..?
Ted: No, it was just the two.
David: Yeah. Anyway, so you've been burned, a couple times. Um, have we met? I've been burned so many times, I'm basically the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow. Um, but I think it's important for us to remember that sometimes, sometimes it does work out. And, um, even though everything inside us is telling us to protect ourselves, when you've got it, don't let it go. Um, [clears throat], and I am telling you, that you have got it, if you want it.
Quote from Moira in The Olive Branch
Roland: All right, well, we have one here called Untitled Moira Rose Project.
Moira: I'd like us all to close our eyes, and picture 3 to 5 hundred acres of carefully-manicured lawn. Accessorized with sculptures from some of the world's most-significant cultural contributors. On your left, a whimsical gestalt by David Von Schlegell. On your right, a playful abstract by Isamu Noguchi. Dead ahead, your senses have just been affronted by a Magdalena Abakanowicz. Now, imagine an even more splendacious art park, in your very own backyard! Council, I humbly present Rosewood.
Roland: Er, yeah, I gotta say, you're not gonna find a bigger Noguchi-head than me, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say, good luck on getting your mitts on a Von Schlegell! [laughs, coughs] Am I right, guys?
Quote from Stevie in Motel Review
Stevie: So you know that I think your business is a good idea, and you know that I mean that, because I'm incapable of faking sincerity. I'm also just incapable of sincerity in general.
Quote from Alexis in Murder Mystery
David: What are you doing?
Alexis: I'm just checking the mail. Did you know you can still get mail?
David: Yes, I know about mail.
Alexis: No, but I'm talking about like, mail, mail. Like a little man in a uniform, with his satchel full of letters, traveling door to door.
David: Um, that's a mailman. And he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff.
Alexis: I think it's free delivery, David.
David: I don't think so...
Moira: Oh, John, look. It's our car!
Johnny: Well, Moira, let's not pick the first car we see.
Moira: No, before David was born. We bought a car just like this, don't you remember?
Johnny: Well, I don't remember the "Everything Be Irie" bumper sticker.
Moira: Oh no, it's perfect. Hello!
Johnny: Moira, this car is $3,000 more than our budget.
Moira: I'm a trained actor. A humble back story will disabuse this man of any notion we're too patrician.
Johnny: Well, okay, but let's start by losing words like "patrician."
Quote from Moira in Opening Night
Moira: Well, hello again, you beautiful people. I would love to circle back to this matter of the extended daycare hours. Although I made some excellent points, in the interest of a fair and balanced discussion, I will now argue the other side of the issue. One of my fondest memories from childhood were weekdays, between 5:30 and 6 P.M. That was our time! And we would've fought anyone who dared try to take it away from us.
Daycare Worker: So you're not extending the hours?
Moira: Do we really want Big Brother programming every waking minute of our children's lives?!
Quote from Moira in Moira's Nudes
Johnny: You're still thinking about those photos.
Moira: Oh, I can't help it, John. The last traces of my juvenescence vanished into thin air.
Johnny: Well, perhaps they're not the last traces.
Moira: What does that mean?
Johnny: Why don't you look in my folio? Inside pocket.
Moira: [gasps] Oh, you dirty dog! Well, what can I say? When did you take this?
Johnny: Greece, 1987.
Moira: Oh, I loved those earrings. And that skin. And that hair.
Johnny: I'm no Avedon honey, but I would say you still look pretty spectacular.
Moira: And that's all that counts. [kiss] Now how do I get this on the Internet? John!