Best ‘Schitt's Creek’ Quotes Page 1 of 25
Johnny: When might we expect your daughter to show up? Because we do have a very busy day ahead of us.
Hank: Well, Baby's still sleeping. But if you wanna go and wake her up, tell her what happened, by all means.
Moira: Where is bébé's chamber?
Hank: [floorboards creak] Oh, there she is now. She's either up, or takin' a leak.
Moira: Either way, great progress for bébé.
Johnny: You took your signs? I didn't know you took the signs. Why would you take your own signs?
Moira: Well, I couldn't very well take Jocelyn's. That would be stealing and I'm running a clean campaign.
Johnny: You call this a clean campaign?
Moira: Politics 101, John. When you have limited resources, your best course of action is to create a stir. It's exciting. It's fun. It's like that episode of Sunrise Bay when I stole my own bébé.
Moira: After a glut of unasinous ideas put forth today, the room is suddenly bombilating with anticipation. Can we feel that? It's almost as though we're building towards some sort of inevitable climax.
Moira: [in a Cockney accent] The truth is that, um, we've- We've struggled with penury for quite some time now. Well, just two years ago, we were practically 'omeless.
Car Salesman: Where are you two from?
Johnny: You know, I've been wondering that myself.
Moira: I'm from London. I was one of two identical twins. Tragically, I was snatched from my crib at birth by Russian mobsters. Mmm-hmm. They looked at my fair skin, and my dazzling eyes, and they said, "We'll make a pretty penny on that one, on the 'uman black market, we will."
Car Salesman: And what about the twin?
Moira: What's that, love?
Car Salesman: Well, if you're identical, I thought you'd both be valuable.
Johnny: Yes, wouldn't you?
Moira: She wasn't born yet. Yep, she wasn't born 'til three minutes later. And the Bratva work very quickly.
Moira: It's startlingly quiet in here, David. Is that a good sign?
David: I thought you were booked up all day, and that's why you couldn't help Dad with the dead b- That thing in the motel.
Moira: I am booked up, David. You should see my schedule. I'm positively bedevilled with meetings, etc.
David: Look at you, just drowning in other people's phone numbers.
Alexis: Who was that hunk with the teeny-weeny little polo?
Patrick: His name is Ken.
David: Ken! Just when I thought it was impossible to find a thirty-something named Ken!
Moira: I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It's a new feeling for me, and I don't find it at all pleasurable.
Stevie: You regret that embarrassing photos of you aren't online?
Moira: No, I regret that they're lost. They were the one perfect memorial to who I once was. And I should've appreciated those firm, round mammae and Callipygian ass while I had them.
Stevie: If you're talking about your body, uh, I think you still look amazing.
Moira: Then allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, "Oh, I'm too spooky.", or, "Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies." But believe me, one day you will look at those photos, with much kinder eyes and say, "Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!"
Stevie: Will I?
Moira: Mmm-hmm. Oh, and make sure you submit those photos to the Internet. Otherwise, your own children will go looking for them one day and tragically, they won't be there.
Roland: Wow, Johnny, are you okay?
Moira: How long has this affliction been operative?
Johnny: Yeah, I felt a little tightening this morning, Moira, when I picked up that box of programs from the printer's, but I'm good.
Moira: John, how was I to know you were in peril? You keep everything inside, like a bashful clam!
Alexis: [singing] Are you ready? Let's do it. I'm a Lamborghini I'm a Hollywood star I'm a little bit tipsy When I drive my car I'm expensive sushi I'm a huge, huge yacht I'm a little bit single Even when I'm not Ah! Ah! I'm little bit I'm a little bit I'm a little bit of la la la-la-la-la-la A little bit Alexis La la la-la-la-la-la A little bit Alexis
Jocelyn: Oh wow, okay. [stops music]
Jocelyn: Just wonderful.
Alexis: Okay, yeah, I still actually had a few more verses. And in the last verse, I really get to showcase my range.
Ronnie: Roland, the rules say that we can't play if we don't have nine players! And I can't stomach the thought of Patrick's team winning by default. The man looks like a thumb!
Alexis: Oh, my God, ever since David left, you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!
Moira: I had just had my eyelashes dyed, everything was cloudy!
Moira: I never meant for you to think that I didn't wanna spend any time with you. Well I hope it's not too late to make up for lost time.
Alexis: Okay. What is your favourite season?
Moira: [inhales sharply] Awards.
Moira: In the lee of a picturesque ridge lies a small, unpretentious winery, one that pampers its fruit like its own babies. Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you love fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner who brings the musk melon goodness to his oak Chardonnay, and the dazzling peach cral-bapple to his Riesling Rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You'll remember the experience and you'll remember the name. Herb Erfling ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herb-blinger. Bing Livehaanger. Liveling. Burt Herkurn. Ban- Bingo Ling-fucker!
Moira: We landed on a one-of-a-kind event to celebrate and congregate those who happen to be unattached, uh, in the hopes of facilitating interpersonal connections.
Alexis: Sorry, so like a singles event, then?
Moira: That word is now considered derogatory. I believe they prefer to be called independents.
Alexis: So you stole my idea, took it to Council, and claimed it as your own?
Moira: Alexis, now is not the time for pettifogging!
Alexis: I don't know why you didn't ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries, And I have my "F" Class.
David: Isn't that for transport trucks?!
Alexis: Yes, well, I had a lot of people to move! Anyway, it's not a big deal. You just get in, you do what they tell you, and then you get out. And wear your best hair perfume.
David: Okay, I don't have hair perfume, and not all of us can flirt our way into getting a driver's license!
Alexis: Okay, you try parallel parking in a burka, David. No amount of flirting can get you out of that, trust me!