The Misadventures of Alexis Rose

The Misadventures of Alexis Rose

The colourful and often perilous stories of Alexis Rose's wild life before she moved to Schitt's Creek.

Quote from Moira in Finding David

Alexis: Oh, my God, ever since David left, you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!
Moira: I had just had my eyelashes dyed, everything was cloudy!


Quote from Alexis in Driving Test

Alexis: I don't know why you didn't ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries, And I have my "F" Class.
David: Isn't that for transport trucks?!
Alexis: Yes, well, I had a lot of people to move! Anyway, it's not a big deal. You just get in, you do what they tell you, and then you get out. And wear your best hair perfume.
David: Okay, I don't have hair perfume, and not all of us can flirt our way into getting a driver's license!
Alexis: Okay, you try parallel parking in a burka, David. No amount of flirting can get you out of that, trust me!

Quote from Alexis in Ronnie's Party

David: So are you nervous? This is like the first job you've ever had.
Alexis: No it isn't.
David: Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn't what I would call having a job.
Alexis: I was very hands on, David. I came up with all the flavours by myself.
David: Even the one that poisoned all those people?
Alexis: David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free. Ugh!

Quote from Alexis in Bad Parents

Alexis: Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn. Um, okay. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex.
Johnny: Right idea, honey, but you know what? It's gotta be more challenging for everybody-
Moira: Her eyes are aqua.
Johnny: You did what?
Alexis: I'm kidding! I clearly would never bribe anybody with sex.
Johnny: When were you in Thailand?!
Alexis: I told you that I was on spring break. Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money.

Quote from Alexis in Little Sister

Alexis: So, this is weird. Um, today marks the longest relationship that I've ever voluntarily had with someone.
Mutt: Voluntarily.
Alexis: Yeah. The actual longest relationship was, um, a three month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.

Quote from Alexis in Love Letters

Alexis: Look at you all dressed up, Mr. Sporty Spice.
Ted: Uh yeah, I'm dressed for the run that we're supposed to be going on, but I don't think you can run in those.
Alexis: Tell that to me at 21, escaping the yakuza.

Quote from Moira in Meet the Parents

Moira: Alexis, dear, now is bad a time as any to tell you. There is a dark side to Mummy's industry, and I've tried to protect you from it your whole life.
Alexis: You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven.
Moira: And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto. But, this! Alexis, you shouldn't have to see this. Thespians selling their autographs for money in cheerless convention centers.

Quote from Alexis in Finding David

David: Okay, nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing.
Alexis: I didn't go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.

Quote from Alexis in The Jazzaguy

Miguel: Um, how did you get so good at this?
Alexis: Hm, you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.
Miguel: Right, right. Wait, what?

Quote from Alexis in Milk Money

Alexis: It's just a checkpoint, okay? I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg, um, it's like a drive thru, except everybody has a gun.
Johnny: When were you in Johannesburg?!
Alexis: I don't know. I remember I just got my braces off, so...
Johnny: You were 14, in South Africa?!

Quote from Alexis in Lawn Signs

Alexis: Okay, I just really think you should stay out of it, David. You're not good under pressure.
David: And you are?
Alexis: Um, I'm sorry. Were you picked up by the South Korean Secret Police on New Year's? I had to sweet talk the consulate's lawyer to get me a passport before midnight.

Quote from Alexis in The M.V.P.

Stevie: I didn't audition. I don't like attention. I can't think of anything worse than standing on a stage in front of a room full of people.
Alexis: Okay, Stevie, I think you just need to chill. If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it'll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.
Stevie: It's just a lot of pressure.
Alexis: Don't even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.

Quote from Alexis in Ronnie's Party

Alexis: Okay, so if there's one thing I learned, is that when it comes to love you cannot let little things get in your way. Like I once dated this sultan's nephew who was forbidden to talk to me or even to look at me and we made it work for, like, half a regime change, so...

Quote from Alexis in The Presidential Suite

Alexis: Twy, do you ever have those days where you wonder why things just can't be easier?
Twyla: Why, what's going on?
Alexis: Ted got a job.
Twyla: Another one?
Alexis: No, the same one.
Twyla: He got offered the same job he already has?
Alexis: No, same job, they just want him to stay longer, like forever.
Alexis: Oh. Yeah, so it's like what now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? 'Cause I did that with Harry Styles in England. It was, like, too rainy.

Quote from Alexis in The Presidential Suite

Alexis: Is everything okay? It's okay to admit that I tuckered you out.
Ted: No, it's, it's not that.
Alexis: Okay, then what is it?
Ted: I just thought that it was important that we have this conversation in person.
Alexis: You're starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rock on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.

Quote from Alexis in Maid of Honour

Stevie: Okay, I'm starting to realize that there's a lot more to this job than I thought.
Alexis: Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox's bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like nothing.

Quote from Alexis in Murder Mystery

Alexis: Um. Okay, the thing is I can't go to college, yet. Because I didn't finish high school.
Ted: Oh.
Alexis: I know. It's so embarrassing, and I never should've taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.
Ted: Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA?
Alexis: Yes... Technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does. This might sound crazy, but I almost think I should finish high school.

Quote from Alexis in Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose

Alexis: What have we here?
Ted: Ah, it's just a bit of a tradition at Christmas parties that I have with my friends. See, we do a cookie competition, and then the winner gets to take home all of the leftovers to their families on Christmas Day.
Alexis: So cute. I basically did exactly the same thing with my friends once. But instead of cookies, it was whatever we could find in our parents' medicine cabinets, and instead of a Christmas party, it was an old boot factory in Krakow.

Quote from Alexis in Milk Money

Alexis: You're thinking about becoming a drug dealer? I mean, I get it, it's fast money, and no one would ever suspect you.
Johnny: I'm thinking of selling raw milk.
Alexis: Oh. I don't think that's right for you.
Johnny: But selling drugs is?!
Alexis: Okay, I had a friend in Venice Beach who sold raw milk, and his entire compound was raided. I mean, he also sold drugs, but like...

Quote from Alexis in The Candidate

Alexis: I'm serious, David, I'm not coming. Have fun, though. Oh, and in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head, and then bringing them down really hard.
David: Thanks.

Quote from Alexis in Housewarming

Ted: This is so silky.
Alexis: Yeah, it's my dad's housecoat from storage. I was thinking we could go as Hef, R.I.P., and a Playboy Bunny.
Ted: Isn't the theme high school slumber party?
Alexis: It is. My best friend, Summer, used to date Hef in high school, which isn't as weird as it sounds, 'cause he was, like, a very young 77.

Quote from Alexis in Maid of Honour

Alexis: Also, black bow ties photograph better. I should know. I once hooked up with three different GQ Men of the Year. At the GQ Men of the Year party.

Quote from Alexis in The Roast

Alexis: That was low, like David's standards.
David: Or the placement of Alexis' back tattoo.
Johnny: Alexis has a back tattoo?
Moira: Alexis, what have you done to yourself?!
David: It says "that's hot" in Cantonese. Got it in Hong Kong.
Alexis: Ugh! I was 12-years-old!

Quote from Alexis in The Hike

Alexis: Hey, what are we doing over here?
Ted: Well, Galapagos has some pretty killer beaches, so I thought we should come prepared.
Alexis: Oh, my God, Turkish Cosmo once included my photo on their list of the world's best sarongs. So let's just say I know my way around a beach.
Ted: All right, uh goggles, snorkels.
Alexis: I don't actually go in the open water, but I can't wait to see you do that.

Quote from Alexis in Smoke Signals

Alexis: [grunts] Ugh!
Patrick: Are you sure you don't want any help with that?
Alexis: I fit my high school best friend into a suitcase way smaller than this when we were crossing the border between Laos and Vietnam, so I'm pretty sure I can figure this out.

Quote from Alexis in A Whisper of Desire

Cheryl: And there he was, naked as the day he was born, just wailing! It had rained, and his cotton candy was melting all down his hand!
Ted: Yeah, that was fun, but uh, maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying?
Alexis: Okay, fine, but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.

Quote from Alexis in Bad Parents

Ronnie: So what'd you do?
Alexis: Um, I drove into the Prada Store on Rodeo Drive. In fairness, it did look a lot like, um, the entrance to a parking garage.
Ronnie: Uh-huh.
Alexis: And I was high at the time.

Quote from Alexis in Love Letters

Twyla: So do you want the locket?
Alexis: No, Twy, I got it for you. But what I'm saying is, let's swap for it. I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!
Twyla: We're not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but, um, maybe I could take that bracelet?
Alexis: Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.

Quote from Alexis in Estate Sale

Alexis: Anyway, I have lots of skills that you don't have.
Mutt: I am sure that you do.
Alexis: Like, have you ever had to negotiate in Arabic? It is very difficult.
Mutt: I believe you.
Alexis: And try getting into "Kiss Kiss" in Tokyo without a lock of human hair.
Mutt: Now, you see, if you can do all that, I'm pretty sure that you can learn to ride a bike. Alexis?
Alexis: Sorry, I was just thinking about this crazy night at "Kiss Kiss."

Quote from Alexis in Turkey Shoot

Alexis: So Ted's taking me to Antonio's.
David: What's Antonio's?
Alexis: It's this little buffet restaurant in Elmdale, but he said that we could order off the menu.
David: Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?
Alexis: I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine.

Quote from Alexis in The Plant

Johnny: Well, I don't want to second guess your publicity skills here, Alexis, but I don't think it would hurt to tilt the scales in our favour. When we wanted to impress people at Rose Video...
Roland: [groans] Okay. Coffee break.
Johnny: We'd sometimes hire actors who would come in as plants, pretending to be...
Alexis: Customers! Yes! Walk around, talk up whatever they're paid to talk up. I know, I was once paid to talk up Heartblaster Energy Drink at a Third Eye Blind concert.

Quote from Alexis in Stop Saying Lice!

Alexis: You're really good at this. It reminds me of when I was in Bangkok. There was this amazing little Resto-Lounge that specialized in Tahitian food, and scalp massages.
Ted: I'm not sure what's more disgusting, what I'm doing right now, or the concept for that restaurant.
Alexis: It was a Resto-Lounge.

Quote from Alexis in Little Sister

Alexis: Um, honestly, Twy, ixnay on the ongsay. Because I tried it once and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground. Granted, I'm tone deaf and he was a- He was a super angry marine, but-
Ted: Just let the girl write her boyfriend a song.
Alexis: Okay, I know! And I'm all for it, I'm all for it. I just think it's, um, I think it's a super big mistake.

Quote from David in Wine and Roses

David: I don't wanna have to bring this up, but it's my turn to take a selfish.
Alexis: No, David,
David: Yes, it is.
Alexis: You selfished last time.
David: No. Dubai, 2010, I had to pick you up from that blind date that went terribly wrong. It was a total disaster. It's my turn, and I wanna go to a yoga class.