The Misadventures of Alexis Rose
The colourful and often perilous stories of Alexis Rose's wild life before she moved to Schitt's Creek.
Alexis: Oh, my God, ever since David left, you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!
Moira: I had just had my eyelashes dyed, everything was cloudy!
Alexis: I don't know why you didn't ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries, And I have my "F" Class.
David: Isn't that for transport trucks?!
Alexis: Yes, well, I had a lot of people to move! Anyway, it's not a big deal. You just get in, you do what they tell you, and then you get out. And wear your best hair perfume.
David: Okay, I don't have hair perfume, and not all of us can flirt our way into getting a driver's license!
Alexis: Okay, you try parallel parking in a burka, David. No amount of flirting can get you out of that, trust me!
David: So are you nervous? This is like the first job you've ever had.
Alexis: No it isn't.
David: Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn't what I would call having a job.
Alexis: I was very hands on, David. I came up with all the flavours by myself.
David: Even the one that poisoned all those people?
Alexis: David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free. Ugh!
Alexis: Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn. Um, okay. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex.
Johnny: Right idea, honey, but you know what? It's gotta be more challenging for everybody-
Moira: Her eyes are aqua.
Johnny: You did what?
Alexis: I'm kidding! I clearly would never bribe anybody with sex.
Johnny: When were you in Thailand?!
Alexis: I told you that I was on spring break. Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money.
Alexis: So, this is weird. Um, today marks the longest relationship that I've ever voluntarily had with someone.
Alexis: Yeah. The actual longest relationship was, um, a three month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.
Alexis: Look at you all dressed up, Mr. Sporty Spice.
Ted: Uh yeah, I'm dressed for the run that we're supposed to be going on, but I don't think you can run in those.
Alexis: Tell that to me at 21, escaping the yakuza.
Moira: Alexis, dear, now is bad a time as any to tell you. There is a dark side to Mummy's industry, and I've tried to protect you from it your whole life.
Alexis: You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven.
Moira: And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto. But, this! Alexis, you shouldn't have to see this. Thespians selling their autographs for money in cheerless convention centers.
David: Okay, nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing.
Alexis: I didn't go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.
Miguel: Um, how did you get so good at this?
Alexis: Hm, you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.
Miguel: Right, right. Wait, what?
Alexis: It's just a checkpoint, okay? I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg, um, it's like a drive thru, except everybody has a gun.
Johnny: When were you in Johannesburg?!
Alexis: I don't know. I remember I just got my braces off, so...
Johnny: You were 14, in South Africa?!
Alexis: Okay, I just really think you should stay out of it, David. You're not good under pressure.
David: And you are?
Alexis: Um, I'm sorry. Were you picked up by the South Korean Secret Police on New Year's? I had to sweet talk the consulate's lawyer to get me a passport before midnight.
Stevie: I didn't audition. I don't like attention. I can't think of anything worse than standing on a stage in front of a room full of people.
Alexis: Okay, Stevie, I think you just need to chill. If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it'll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.
Stevie: It's just a lot of pressure.
Alexis: Don't even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.
Alexis: Okay, so if there's one thing I learned, is that when it comes to love you cannot let little things get in your way. Like I once dated this sultan's nephew who was forbidden to talk to me or even to look at me and we made it work for, like, half a regime change, so...
Alexis: Twy, do you ever have those days where you wonder why things just can't be easier?
Twyla: Why, what's going on?
Alexis: Ted got a job.
Twyla: Another one?
Alexis: No, the same one.
Twyla: He got offered the same job he already has?
Alexis: No, same job, they just want him to stay longer, like forever.
Alexis: Oh. Yeah, so it's like what now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? 'Cause I did that with Harry Styles in England. It was, like, too rainy.
Alexis: Is everything okay? It's okay to admit that I tuckered you out.
Ted: No, it's, it's not that.
Alexis: Okay, then what is it?
Ted: I just thought that it was important that we have this conversation in person.
Alexis: You're starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rock on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.
Stevie: Okay, I'm starting to realize that there's a lot more to this job than I thought.
Alexis: Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox's bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like nothing.
Alexis: Um. Okay, the thing is I can't go to college, yet. Because I didn't finish high school.
Alexis: I know. It's so embarrassing, and I never should've taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.
Ted: Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA?
Alexis: Yes... Technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does. This might sound crazy, but I almost think I should finish high school.
Alexis: What have we here?
Ted: Ah, it's just a bit of a tradition at Christmas parties that I have with my friends. See, we do a cookie competition, and then the winner gets to take home all of the leftovers to their families on Christmas Day.
Alexis: So cute. I basically did exactly the same thing with my friends once. But instead of cookies, it was whatever we could find in our parents' medicine cabinets, and instead of a Christmas party, it was an old boot factory in Krakow.
Alexis: You're thinking about becoming a drug dealer? I mean, I get it, it's fast money, and no one would ever suspect you.
Johnny: I'm thinking of selling raw milk.
Alexis: Oh. I don't think that's right for you.
Johnny: But selling drugs is?!
Alexis: Okay, I had a friend in Venice Beach who sold raw milk, and his entire compound was raided. I mean, he also sold drugs, but like...
Alexis: I'm serious, David, I'm not coming. Have fun, though. Oh, and in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head, and then bringing them down really hard.
Ted: This is so silky.
Alexis: Yeah, it's my dad's housecoat from storage. I was thinking we could go as Hef, R.I.P., and a Playboy Bunny.
Ted: Isn't the theme high school slumber party?
Alexis: It is. My best friend, Summer, used to date Hef in high school, which isn't as weird as it sounds, 'cause he was, like, a very young 77.
Alexis: Also, black bow ties photograph better. I should know. I once hooked up with three different GQ Men of the Year. At the GQ Men of the Year party.
Alexis: That was low, like David's standards.
David: Or the placement of Alexis' back tattoo.
Johnny: Alexis has a back tattoo?
Moira: Alexis, what have you done to yourself?!
David: It says "that's hot" in Cantonese. Got it in Hong Kong.
Alexis: Ugh! I was 12-years-old!
Alexis: Hey, what are we doing over here?
Ted: Well, Galapagos has some pretty killer beaches, so I thought we should come prepared.
Alexis: Oh, my God, Turkish Cosmo once included my photo on their list of the world's best sarongs. So let's just say I know my way around a beach.
Ted: All right, uh goggles, snorkels.
Alexis: I don't actually go in the open water, but I can't wait to see you do that.
Alexis: [grunts] Ugh!
Patrick: Are you sure you don't want any help with that?
Alexis: I fit my high school best friend into a suitcase way smaller than this when we were crossing the border between Laos and Vietnam, so I'm pretty sure I can figure this out.
Cheryl: And there he was, naked as the day he was born, just wailing! It had rained, and his cotton candy was melting all down his hand!
Ted: Yeah, that was fun, but uh, maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying?
Alexis: Okay, fine, but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.
Ronnie: So what'd you do?
Alexis: Um, I drove into the Prada Store on Rodeo Drive. In fairness, it did look a lot like, um, the entrance to a parking garage.
Alexis: And I was high at the time.
Twyla: So do you want the locket?
Alexis: No, Twy, I got it for you. But what I'm saying is, let's swap for it. I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!
Twyla: We're not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but, um, maybe I could take that bracelet?
Alexis: Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.
Alexis: Anyway, I have lots of skills that you don't have.
Mutt: I am sure that you do.
Alexis: Like, have you ever had to negotiate in Arabic? It is very difficult.
Mutt: I believe you.
Alexis: And try getting into "Kiss Kiss" in Tokyo without a lock of human hair.
Mutt: Now, you see, if you can do all that, I'm pretty sure that you can learn to ride a bike. Alexis?
Alexis: Sorry, I was just thinking about this crazy night at "Kiss Kiss."
Alexis: So Ted's taking me to Antonio's.
David: What's Antonio's?
Alexis: It's this little buffet restaurant in Elmdale, but he said that we could order off the menu.
David: Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?
Alexis: I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine.
Johnny: Well, I don't want to second guess your publicity skills here, Alexis, but I don't think it would hurt to tilt the scales in our favour. When we wanted to impress people at Rose Video...
Roland: [groans] Okay. Coffee break.
Johnny: We'd sometimes hire actors who would come in as plants, pretending to be...
Alexis: Customers! Yes! Walk around, talk up whatever they're paid to talk up. I know, I was once paid to talk up Heartblaster Energy Drink at a Third Eye Blind concert.
Alexis: You're really good at this. It reminds me of when I was in Bangkok. There was this amazing little Resto-Lounge that specialized in Tahitian food, and scalp massages.
Ted: I'm not sure what's more disgusting, what I'm doing right now, or the concept for that restaurant.
Alexis: It was a Resto-Lounge.
Alexis: Um, honestly, Twy, ixnay on the ongsay. Because I tried it once and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground. Granted, I'm tone deaf and he was a- He was a super angry marine, but-
Ted: Just let the girl write her boyfriend a song.
Alexis: Okay, I know! And I'm all for it, I'm all for it. I just think it's, um, I think it's a super big mistake.
David: I don't wanna have to bring this up, but it's my turn to take a selfish.
Alexis: No, David,
David: Yes, it is.
Alexis: You selfished last time.
David: No. Dubai, 2010, I had to pick you up from that blind date that went terribly wrong. It was a total disaster. It's my turn, and I wanna go to a yoga class.