David: Um, so I just dropped off these, um, dog sweaters, for the pet adoption thing.
Ted: Okay, great, yeah. It's always gifts for the dogs, and never for me. Definitely one of my "pet peeves".
David: Yes?
Ted: I'm sorry, I just I just was expecting Alexis, so you showing up here has really thrown me off my game.
David: Um, no, your game is tight.

Ted: [talking to dogs] Just be outgoing, be open, and show them your best self. And don't worry, I'll be vetting everyone in advance.
Alexis: Hi.
Ted: Hi. How long have you been standing there?
Alexis: Um, long enough.
Ted: Yeah, I was just giving them a little "pup talk".

Patrick: You can do this, David! Just one step at a time!
Ted: You're looking pretty shaky there, David. I really hope we didn't "rope" you into something here.

Alexis: Well, I guess if this is what you look like after finding some gross fly, I can forgive you for being away for so long.
Ted: [on Skype] I've actually been bench pressing 100-pound tortoises because there's no gym here.
Alexis: Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles.
Ted: Tortoises, but I do have "tur-tell" you that I've been thinking about you, a lot, especially at nighttime.

Ted: [on Skype] Hey, babe!
Alexis: Hey, babe!
Ted: Oh my God! Where are you? Is that the ocean? I wish. It's a poster of the ocean. 'Cause I'm actually in Stewart's dorm room right now because mine got evacuated last night - small fire ants issue.
Alexis: Yikes! Hope everything's okay.
Ted: It was a real "Fyre Fest." [chuckles]

Alexis: Okay, here's what I'm thinking, we do that like three to four more times, and then we go on a romantic walk to your house and we like hang out there for a little bit.
Ted: Yeah um, that plan sounds really active, Alexis.
Alexis: Mm-hmm.
Ted: But, uh, my mom's staying at my place and, uh, I'd rather not walk in on her and her Zumba instructor. Don't wanna have to zoom back here.

Alexis: Um, I was hoping we could talk again.
Ted: Oh, well, I was about to give Hazel a blood test.
Alexis: Well, I think it's probably better if you put Hazel down.
Ted: What?! No, she'll be fine! It's just her blood sugar!
Alexis: No, no, no, no, no! I just mean while we talk, I think it would be... Um, easier.

David: I'm just not sleeping. I think there's a lack of oxygen getting to my heart because I'm feeling very suffocated.
Ted: Okay, right. Well, if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night.
David: What?
Ted: Kidding.

Tennessee: Hmm, we should probably get going. We were going to hit the hot springs before the sun sets!
Ted: Oh yeah, definitely want to get a soak in, before you tackle the cones. Which you must really be "pining" for by now!

Alexis: Hi.
Ted: Apparently I only have two minutes, so I'm gonna make this quick. Hi. I'm Ted, I'm newly single. And I'd be kidding myself if I told you that I haven't wanted to do this every single day for the last two years.
Alexis: Do what?
[Ted and Alexis stand up. Ted kisses her. The crowd cheers]